Still thwarting Sloth's mind control... Circulation: 124,395,024 Issue: 250 | 28th day of Swimming, Y8
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

The Cheesy Villains Awards

by dan4884


Also by blubblub317

*Off-tune band begins to play*

Blub: Howdy, everyone, and welcome to the first annual (or so we hope) Cheesy Villain Awards, honoring the likes of villains who feel the need to cause chaos and destruction upon our world! Whether you’re young or old, pretty or ugly, skinny or fat, and sane or delusional, you’ll be agreeing with the fine decisions that we’ve made tonight, because if you don’t, we’ll mention your heinous act of crime to one of your villain friends. Just kidding.

By the way, this guy beside me, the one with the wild hair and cross-eyed face, is my wonderful and enthusiastic co-host, Dan. Say hi, Dan!

Dan: Hi.

Blub: Just look at that enthusiasm there. Anywho, we've got a great show lined up for tonight! But first let's head on over to the red carpet, where many villains are already arriving! Our correspondent Lord Darigan is waiting. How are you, Darigan? Still acting good these days?

Darigan: I told you, I am good! Why did I even sign up for this job? I don't belong here! I'm a hero!

Dan: Just get on with it, Darigan. We don't have all day.

Darigan: Jeez, he's grouchy. Fine. Well, well, look who it is! It's dear old Kanrik! How are you, Kanrik? Still playing the thieving game?

Kanrik: To answer that, let me ask you this question: where's your wallet?

Darigan: Why, you little--

Kanrik: Hey, I thought you were good now!

Darigan: Heh, of course I am! Who's this cute little Usul you brought with you? Wait, that isn't--

Hannah: It most certainly is!

Darigan: Get out of here! You don't belong here! Go!

Hannah: But--

*boos come from all around the red carpet*

Darigan: Well, quite a few surprises here from the red carpet! Back to you, Dan and Blub!

Dan: We’re inside the Evil Theatre where the show is set to start any moment now! Everyone has taken his or her places and Dr. Sloth is already being escorted away for disorderly conduct.

Dr. Sloth: I swear, I was provoked! That stupid Meuka stole my expensive lipstick!

Meuka: I don’t know what he’s talking about! *shifty eyes*

*everyone quiets down*

Blub: The first presenter, Master Vex, is now up on stage. He’s hasn’t had a great year, with thousands of players defeating his so-called ‘undefeatable’ streak at Cellblock.

Master Vex: The first award tonight is for ‘Most Gender-Confused Villain’. The villain who will be awarded this honor has shown that he or she can effortlessly make it seem that they are a pet of the opposite gender and confuse us all with their hideously disfigured bodies and faces. And the award goes to… the lovely Ms. Morguss!

Morguss: Ms. Morguss? What kind of rubbish is he speaking of? I’m Mr. Morguss!

Security Guard: Get up, lady. You ain’t fooling anyone.

Morguss: Urgh, fine! *whispers evil incantations under her breath and collects the award*

Blub: Can it be?

Dan: Is it really her?

Blub: It is! The Court Dancer has come out of hiding to present the next award! No one has seen the Court Dancer since her infamous unmasking during the Battle for Meridell, but here she is in the flesh!

Dan: And what ugly flesh it is...

Court Dancer: I'm here to present the award for least threatening villain. There were many nominees, but only one winner: the Pant Devil!

Pant Devil: What!? I am NOT the least threatening! Look at the Esophagor! He's just a mound who asks for food! How can I be less threatening than him? Or the Brain Tree? Whoever heard of a talking tree? And what about Dr. Sloth? He hasn't had a storyline in years! Where's the threat in that?!

Court Dancer: Ahem, I think you need to leave.

Pant Devil: FEAR ME! FEAR ME, I SAY!

Dan: Next up we have the Asplosion Award for Coolest Defeat, which is a coveted award here at the Cheesy Villains Awards. Since these people never succeed, it is always fun to predict who will win this award. To present the Asplosion Award, we have the lovely Masila here.

Masila: I have with me this year's Asplosion Award results, and let me tell you, it's a shocker! The nominees are: Galem, Asplosion in the Ice Caves; Razul, Asplosion by a Family Member; Kass, Asplosion by a Non-existent Trio of Evil-Doers; and Sloth, Asplosion by-wait, Sloth didn't have any asplosions. Why is he on here? Ah well, the Asplosion goes to… Kass! Unfortunately, he couldn't be here to accept the award. Wonder why that is?

Blub: Now it’s time for the Hottest Villain award, and we mean it quite literally, because the villain who receives this award could burn down a room in seconds. The Snow Faerie is up on stage to, ironically, present this award.

Snow Faerie: Hehe, is it just me, or is it really hot in here?


Snow Faerie: *coughs* Sorry, just trying to break the ice!

*more silence*

Snow Faerie: …Okay then, let’s move on! Tonight, the award for Hottest Villain goes to… Razul! Who would have guessed that?!

Razul: *burns the award* *sprinklers go off*

Snow Faerie: AAAAAH! MY CLOTHES ARE MELTING! *runs off stage*

Dan: Oh dear, Razul’s just set that poor old lady's wig on fire! Oh wait… that’s Sloth!

Security Guard: Not you again!

Sloth: …this isn’t the bakery!

Dan: Aaaaaanyway, back to the related topic. King Skarl traveled all the way from Meridell to present the award for ‘Worst Case of Villain Eating His/Her Feelings’. Does anyone else sense the coincidence in this?

King Skarl: Hmph, this is really go-- *stops eating winner’s envelope* Hehe, sorry, I’m just a little nervous. The recipient of the award for ‘Worst Case of Villain Eating His/Her Feelings’ is… Benny the Pirate Bruce!

Benny: Oh, what a slap in the face! *cries* Is there anything to eat around here?

King Skarl: No.

Benny: *cries even more and walks off stage*

Dan: And now we have a special treat for you all! I get to announce the next award! The award I have with me today is the award for Least Useful Villain. Now, some may think that this isn't really an award, but I... ok, maybe this award is sort of lame. Oh well. The winner for Least Useful Villain is… the Spider Grundo!

Spider Grundo: Hiss! *scuttles up the stairs and leaps at Dan, sinking his teeth in Dan's neck*

Dan: OW! *falls to the floor, shaking* Well, maybe he is a little useful...

Blub: Okay! Moving on, we have a wonderful performance by the one, the only… Sloth and the Slothettes!

Sloth: *sings* It's wonderful to be here

At the Cheesy Villains Awards

Where we can all get together

And sing this wonderful song

Sing with me!

It's wonderful to be here

At the Cheesy--

Audience: BOO! *throws tomatoes*

Sloth: Ok, who threw their shoe? That really hurt!

Blub: That would SO not be me. *rolls eyes* Since Dan randomly decided to present an award, I’ll be presenting the next one. Who cares about the real presenter anyway?

Benny: Why does no one love me?! *eats award*

Blub: This particular award took a longer time to decide on because the panel had to do a bit of… stalking. The award that I speak of is the ‘Most Tastiest Villain’, and the panel would just like to apologize to all the nominees who had to be unknowingly tasted. The villain who receives this honor tonight is… the *BEEP* Chia!

Audience: *stares, confused*

Blub: Uh, is the *BEEP* Chia here tonight? Wait, does *BEEP* even exist?

Dan: I’m afraid we have no clue what you’re talking about, Blub.

Blub: Wait, but it says right here. *BEEP* Chia! See?! *BEEP* CHIA, I TELL YOU!!! *is escorted away*

Dan:… right. And now, the finale! It’s what we’ve all been waiting for, folks. The big showdown of the night: Worst Costume! Many villains in Neopia believe their costumes add to their threat factor. But alas, it doesn't. It clashes. Some of them should hire a fashion consultant. Seriously.

The nominees are: Jhudora, for her disgusting purple and green ensemble; Hubrid Nox, for his oversized cape and ruffled shirt, for which I only have one word: No; Morguss, for her tattered cloak look; and Sloth, with his oversized... dress?!

Sloth: It's a robe!

Dan: Whatever. The winner is: Sloth! I only have one thing to say to you: Have you no decency?

Sloth: I will get you one day, evil award giver person... thing.

Dan: Oh, wow. I'm scared. Well, that about wraps it up here at the Cheesy Villains Awards! I hope you guys enjoyed it and see you next year! Say good night, Blub!

Blub: It said *BEEP* Chia! It's right here on the card! I'm not insane!

Dan: It's time to take your medicine, Blub.

Blub: I'm NOT insane!

Dan: You keep telling yourself that. Check in next week for the third annual Heroes Awards, hosted by yours truly and Psycho-Boy over here! Good night, folks!

Blub: *grumbles*

*Pant Devil comes flying across the stage*

Pant Devil: FEAR ME!

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Gnorbus are Love
Everyone loves rare item spitting up Gnorbus. (:

by colormaster360


Get Inside the Minds of the Neopet Models
Okay, I know you all have seen them. Those adorable neopets who pose for the neopet shields on your user lookups. One would think that these pets have the easy life...

by dancer_girl_4_cheer


penny dreadful
What happened to him?

Also by angelica030788

by velveteen


The Issue 250 Delivery
"Delivering newspapers? I thought we were going to write, or help publish, or do something that doesn't have anything to do with us running around..."

Also by shadowcristal

by precious_katuch14

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.