A Manly Man’s Guide to Neopian Femininity
Warning: For those who think that there should not be boundaries that preserve
the way a being can express themselves no matter how out of “gender role” it may
be, I applaud your efforts and beliefs, they are very respectable. However, only
men are suggested to be allowed to read the rest of this article.
All of the following things do not contain one manly thing about them: the
color pink, Usuki dolls, shades of purple, the Rainbow Pool, faerie magic, Super
Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop… And that’s nothing. Believe or not, Neopia is overrun
mainly by femininity, which makes it increasingly difficult for a mega manly
man pet to survive.
The effect that females have had upon Neopia is overwhelming and opens up so
many questions. Why are all the faeries girls? On top of that, why do air faeries
always ask for cosmetics on their quests? Is it because the Grooming Parlour
is one of the most visited shops in the Neopian Bazaar? These are the kind of
things all males ask themselves when they reach a certain age and knowledge
level. Unfortunately, unlike crackly voices and growth spurts, these strange
phenomena remain unexplained.
The advice “If you can’t beat them, join them” is a terrible path to take!
There are male pets out there getting manicures and some are spending more time
on their fur than playing football! Even worse, some are getting painted pink,
purple, and even faerie, the colors that represent all Neopian femininity!
Now, that doesn’t mean that we need to start an army of tough masculine pets
and go make Faerieland resemble a block of Swiss cheese with our manly weapons,
despite how instigating those actions can be. Instead, there are tons of helpful,
everyday tips that will allow most male pets to keep their manly man aura and
survive in Neopia without being subdued to the feminine influence that females
have unwillingly force-fed Neopia like the motherly creatures they are.
Firstly, there is etiquette. Manly men must present themselves in a certain
manner while in public and even in the comfort and privacy of their own homes.
When eating food, if it’s hot, chew with your mouth open to get air circulating.
If the food is too cold, rub your hands together to get friction/warmth going
and then yell “clear!” when you touch your food. If it’s just right, don’t eat
it, because that’s what Borilocks did with the three Yurbles and she was a girl!
Remember, no matter what your food’s condition is, everyone will understand;
after all, they’re probably eating food of the same caliber, too.
If you spill a drink, (which is bound to happen) you can just suck up the liquid
with your straw or with your mouth before it evaporates. Don’t forget; with
drinks, bubbles are extremely entertaining, and slurping adds a wonderfully
delightful melody to any meal.
Manly men are stubborn. Dissect the word “stubborn” for me. You get “stub-born.”
I’m not sure what a “stub” is, but if you are stubborn, a manly man will be
“born” inside of you! The word comes full circle! So remember these helpful
tips: never ask for directions because you’re never lost, it’s just a slight
setback; all great sports teams have experienced a setback during a game. Also,
no matter how terrible living conditions may become, never ask for professional
help when building, fixing, or maintaining basic household machinery. Yes, that
includes pipes, because men are better than each other, and that sewage surfing
Wocky has nothing on you.
Just because you must fix the Robo Aisha picking up after you in your home,
doesn’t mean that you have to do its job for it. For those of you that don’t
know what a Robo Aisha is, it’s a robot that will pick up trash, clean windows,
run the vacuum, and dust furniture. In fact, most robo pets do all of that.
And let them do it! Don’t worry, dudes, just lie on your back all day, drink
soda, and belch really loudly. Ah… the good life.
Unfortunately, not all aspects of male life offer a good life. Sometimes, you
actually have to get up and do something. Shopping is the number one
thing that you have to do on your own. Manly men have a certain style they need
to uphold when they shop for anything. That certain style is described as… cheap.
Yes, cheap is most definitely a style. Manly men pets have better stuff to spend
neopoints on then everything, causing them to hide it behind walls in their
houses while they muttering about how they don’t trust the Neopian Bank. That’s
why you need to spend less, to keep more.
You see, your style has to be cheap, because all of the feminine stuff is expensive.
Marketers realize that feminine creatures and their brood are willing to spend
more neopoints on products. Why else do you think a Light Faerie Hair Clip sells
for 5,000 neopoints on the Shop Wizard? It’s an itty bitty hair clip! By buying
stuff that is low priced, you can be sure you’re buying manly stuff, because
all manly stuff is cheap!
Now, no matter how cheap products can be, never buy hair brushes, toothpaste,
toothbrushes, or anything that promotes personal hygiene. It is a trick! There
are some things that just have to be so cheap in order for anyone to buy them.
After all, no one likes having to clean themselves. Embrace your manly smell
of body odor!
Well, I do believe that if you’ve read this far into the article, I must say
that you sure are dedicated. Too bad you aren’t a manly man pet! A real manly
man pet would’ve stopped reading once they realized that their favorite Yooyuball
team was playing! You disgust me. Since you’re probably still reading, I’m going
to take a guess, you’re a gross feminine girl wanting to see what the masculine
upper power is up to! I knew it! You obviously didn’t read the warning at the
beginning. It’s called a warning for a reason! Too bad I didn’t have anything
to back the warning up with…
On second thought, I suppose that you, the reader, could be a non-manly man
pet trying to turn their life around. I sure hope that you found this article
to be helpful, and that you’ve realized the error of your non-manly ways. Now,
go out there and scratch!