The Revenge of Albert the Kacheek
So you're here expecting some heroic story about how I,
Albert the Kacheek, gained my freedom of the Esophagor? Well, not yet. I'll be
getting to that. I think first I should tell you what happened on that faithful
night in the Haunted Woods. Don't you think? Either way, that's what I'll do.
Before I start, there are some things I should
I hate gardening (I am allergic to potting soil);
plus I didn't go to the Haunted Woods for Gardening. I was on a dare.
Alright, here is my story:
It all started on a Tuesday, many days ago.
My friends, James, a Lupe, and Max, a Techo, and I were walking down the street
when we saw the school bullies, Jed, a Grarrl, Fred, a Jetsam, and Ced, a Skeith,
all talking about something they found rather exciting.
"Hey," I asked them, "did you beat up another
Jed, the leader of the three, spoke up.
"No, we just were talking about how much we'd
like to see you and your friends go into the Haunted Woods!" he said.
"Th... th... The Haunted Woods? I thought that
place was dangerous!" gulped Max.
"Yes, the Haunted Woods!" said Jed.
"Some people say it is scary enough to make
Judge Hog hide under his bed," said Fred, "but we don't understand it. We go
there all the time!"
"Yeah. So we were wondering if you could come
with us next time we go," said Ced.
"What's in it for us?" said James.
"30,000 Neopoints we won playing Bagatelle,"
"Okay, where should we go, and when?" I said.
"Meet us at the Southern Entrance tonight at
midnight!" said Jed.
"Yeah! Be there, or be called a wimp for the
rest of your lives!'' said Fred.
And with that, they walked away, laughing.
For the rest of the night I had the 'What Am
I Getting Myself Into' feeling. Nevertheless, at night, James and Max and I
met at the Money Tree to walk to the Haunted Woods together. Sure enough, Jed,
Fred and Ced were there, looking half-impressed and disappointed. They probably
were impressed we came, yet they had been looking forward to giving each of
us a prompt atomic wedgie when we got to school for not being there.
"Okay," said Jed, "I'll take you on a tour.
We'll go through the Main Part, then we can play games at the Deserted Fairground.
If one of you gets eaten, it's not our problem."
"Yeah!" said Fred and Ced in unison, laughing.
So we set off toward all the stuff in the Woods.
Jed is actually a pretty good tour guide, except for the fact that he makes
everything sound gruesome or dangerous: "And so, many an innocent Neopet has
gone into Eliv Thade's Castle... and has never come back. Now it is time for
our last stop. The Esophagor!!" he would say.
"Oooooooooooohh..." said Ced and Fred every time.
They were apparently getting a kick out of it.
As we approached the Esophagor, I just had a
feeling something was wrong.
"This is where the Esophagor lives," said Ced.
There was an eerie silence.
"Ha! There is no Esophagor! I knew it all alo-"
He couldn't finish his sentence, for a giant
blob had risen out of the ground. It was the Esophagor.
"GUUUUAHAHAHAHA! I need a new servant!" he bellowed. "My
other one has become too old to work well."
He snatched me up and began to pull me into
the hole he came out of.
"NNOOOOO!" I yelled.
Jed, Fred, and Ced were running away. James
and Max kept looking at the path away from the Esophagor, me, each other, the
Esophagor, then all four again.
Finally, they said, "We'll be back, eventually,
And they ran away along the path away.
Turning back at the Esophagor I told him, "I
refuse to submit to your will!"
"Fine," said the Esophagor. "I will just have
to fight you."
In shock at his reply, I answered, "Ha! I've
never seen you in the Battledome!"
"You should know by now that just because someone
doesn't fight in the Battledome that doesn't mean they can't fight, boy!"
With that, he pulled a Rainbow Swirly Thing
from his 'pockets,' pointed it at me, said some
odd words, then there was a blinding flash of rainbow light. When my vision
came back, I was lying on the ground with the Esophagor standing over me, laughing
his evil laugh. Little did he know that, just to be safe, I brought a Rainbow
Gun with me on the way to the Haunted Woods. I blasted him squarely on the nose.
He fell backwards, got up and pulled out a Light Faerie Sword from one of his
'pockets.' That was enough for me. Thinking of the promise Max and James had
made, I told him I would be his servant.
He pulled me into his hole. Finally, he spoke:
"Now that your eternal home is the Haunted Woods,
I suppose you should look like it. Now, I don't like Halloween Kacheeks; I guess
you'll be a Mutant one," he said.
He grabbed a Kacheek Transmogrification Potion,
and I felt a tingling sensation in my body. I began to change into the ugly-looking
"That's better," he said. "That Spotted color
looks weird to me."
And so it was for years.
That is that night's story. It was worth waiting
for, right? Okay, now is the second part.
During the long time I had to work for the Esophagor,
there were millions of jobs I had to do for him. On my last errand ever, I was
looking for a Ghostkersandwich when a bush yelled at me.
"Pssst!" it said. "Albert! In the bush!"
I thought I was hearing things, but in spite
of myself, I looked in the bush. Expecting to see nothing, I saw a clearing
filled with people.
They were arranged in some sort of lines. Each
line had 10-15 and a leader. The leaders were James, Max, Jed, Fred, Ced, and
a Poogle I had never seen before. Each was wearing a uniform that had a badge
that said 'Albert Army.'
"Am I having a hallucination?" I wondered out
"No!" said Max. "This is the Albert Army! You're
Commander in Chief, James, Jed, Fred, Ced, Katie, and I are Generals, and people
behind us are soldiers!"
"Okay," I said, "but who is Katie?"
"Katie is the Poogle leading the far right line.
Katie, this is Albert. Albert, this is Katie," said James.
"Hi," we said in unison.
I told them the plan would go like this:
The Army would take away any clue that I was
leading then so, if the battle failed, the Esophagor wouldn't get me. Without
the Commander in Chief, the Army wouldn't work right. Once the Esophagor was
worn down, I would come from behind, and get him one last time. We thought that
by then he would retreat to his hole, winning us the battle.
Everyone liked the plan. So it went into action.
I sat back and admired the Army's skill, especially Katie's. For a makeshift
army General, she fought as if she had been fighting for years! Finally, my
time had come. The Esophagor was becoming slower and slower with his attacks.
I came from behind and got him with the Rainbow Gun. But instead of retreating
to the hole, he shrank and shrank to a minuscule size. The battle was over.
I was free.
Gradually, my life came back. I got my old color,
Spotted, back and I became an instant celebrity. Still, one thing was unclear
to me. I had to ask someone wise about it. I went to Brightvale Castle. King
Hagan is the wisest Neopet I have ever heard of.
"Hello," he said when he saw me. "Aren't you
Albert Kacheek, the young one who shrunk the Esophagor?"
"Yes, your highness," I answered. "Do you know
exactly why the Esophagor shrunk instead of retreating to his hole?"
"Why, I may," he said. "Is it true you used
that same rainbow gun on him twice?"
"Yes," I answered.
"Then a very old, ancient, rare, battle event
took place," he said. "It is called 'Servant's Revenge.' It takes place when
a servant uses the same weapon on his master twice, at least one year apart.
Whenever it happens, the master shrinks. Very rare, indeed."
"Thank you, your highness," I said, before running
off, looking for Max and James.
That is my story. Revenge is sweet. Everybody
dreams of it, but this Kacheek lived it.