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Interview with a Raving, Screaming Lunatic


by blacebrander

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ALTADOR - Have you ever been to the Altador Colosseum to watch a game of Yooyuball? Or maybe cheer on your favorite team? If so, then you've most likely noticed that insane screaming blue Techo. Yep, he's been to every game and every practice ever held at the Colosseum, and he generally makes quite a show. Most people are living constantly in terror because of those eyes, myself included. I decided to separate fact from fish once and for all.

Well, after much pursuit, peril, and popcorn (*cough* you don't want to know, trust me), I finally found his house. I found myself timidly knocking on the large brass doors. While I waited, I stepped back and checked out the place. Fancy enough, I thought. Ornately carved pillars, marble porch, enormous hedges around the perimeter, the works. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a glimmer of dark brown. I half-turned, not fully knowing what to expect.

No. It couldn't be. A river of... no way. I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I GOT SO EXCITED, I EVEN FORGOT TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK!!11. There. Where was I? Oh, yes. Trying not to get too excited, I ran to the edge of the dark stream, and put my head in slowly. Mmmmmm. The finest chocolate I had ever tasted! And being a big chocolate fan, that's saying something! I just couldn't get enough of that luscious, dark, rich-

"Pardon me, but what are you doing?" A voice from behind me startled me so much, I almost fell in. I quickly stood up, hastily wiped the chocolate smudges off my face, and turned around. Before me stood a blue Techo, garbed in a fine robe, and holding a steaming cup of tea. He was arching one eyebrow at me, and overall looking very disgusted. Gulp. Here goes, I thought.

Me: "Um, are you that insa- uh- erm, who are you exactly?" This would be more difficult than I expected.

Him: "I am Frances Murphy John Foster Chestnut IV, or Joe for short. Pardon my curiosity, but who are you?"

Me: "Hi Joe, I'm Blacebrander, and I was wondering if you had time for an interview?"

Joe: "As long as we're done before seven. There's a game at the Colosseum, and I can't be late."

Me: "Thank you very much."

Joe: "Please come into the parlor."

I followed him into the interior of the house. Everything around spelled elegance. For a moment, I wondered if I had gone to the wrong house.

Me: "Are you that guy who's always at the Colosseum watching Yooyuball?"

Joe: "Yes. I enjoy watching Yooyuball."

Me: *cough* "No, really?" *cough*

Joe: "What?!?"

Me: "Nothing. Anyway, do you mind telling me about your fanaticism during the game?"

Joe: "Define fanaticism." *cough*

Me: "Raving, screaming, yelling, insane, fanaticism."

Joe: "You could've been a bit more blunt."

Me: "You could've been a bit more sarcastic."

Joe: *glare*

Me: "Anyway, why do you get so hyper at the games?"

Joe: "I just get all caught up in everything, and start screaming, and, well, I just don't stop!"

Me: "So you don't just do that in front of the reporters?"

Joe: "Nope, I hold that position the whole game."

Me: "What about back-to-back games?"

Joe: "Those too."

Me. "Ouch. So, How do your vocal chords remain intact?"

Joe: "Beg pardon?"

Me: "How do you talk after so much screaming? Don't you lose your voice?"

Joe: "I drink two glasses of Juppie Juice every night, and everything's okay!"

Me: "How far in advance do you buy tickets? And how do you get in to the practices?"

Joe: "I get the Golden Nerkmid Season Pass. That includes tickets to every game and every practice of the year, and best of all, it's exclusive! It's only available to people who have attended every game and every practice! And I'm the only one who saw 'em all!"

Me: " But... how did you see the practices before you had the pass?"

Joe: "Well, I had a pass, of course!"

Me: "But how did you get that pass?"

Joe: "Well, I went to every practice and game with the pass I had before that!"

Me: "Has there ever been a time when you didn't have a Season Pass?"

Joe: "Not that I can think of."

Me: "I'm confused."

Joe: "I'm not sure I understand this whole Season Pass thing myself."

Me: "What about all the other people at the practices?"

Joe: "Celebrities."

Me: "I see. So, is there arranged seating, or what?"

Joe: "What do you mean?"

Me: "How come everyone is in the exact same seat every time?"

Joe: "I'm sorry, but that's highly confidential information."

Me: "Okay, so, which team do you want to win the cup?"

Joe: "Come again?"

Me: "Which Yooyuball team do you want to win the Altador Cup?"

Joe: "They have teams?"

Me: *sigh* "Okay then, uh... which player is your favorite?"

Joe: "Is there a player whose name starts with a J?"

Me: "Nevermind. Hmmm... okay, if you could change one rule about Yooyuball, which one would it be?

Joe: "They have rules?"

Wow. Either this guy was suffering from a memory condition, or he was an absolute lunatic. I had to run the final test to find out.

Me: "Did you take the quiz at the Altador Cup?"

Joe: "I tried, but I got stuck on the question about [Blocked for your safety]. I couldn't find the answer I wanted."

Oh dear. This could only mean one thing...

Me: "Can you name a Neopian world that starts with a 'J' and ends in an 'elly World'?"

Joe: "[Blocked]!"

Me: "A REAL world."

Joe: "[Blocked again]!"

Me: "So you believe in it?"

Joe: "Of course I believe in [Blocked]! Why, [Blocked] [Blocked] [Uber-Blocked]!!!"

Me: "Don't be silly! We all know [Blocked] doesn't exist!"

Joe: "Of course it does! It even gives out free jelly every day!"

Yep, he was absolutely mad. After saying goodbye, I quickly left, and fled to the safety of my own Neohome. Free jelly, I thought. Where do they come up with such nonsense?

Anyway, I did what I set out to do: I interviewed a raving, screaming, lunatic, and lived to tell about it. Many mysteries were solved, much chocolate was drunk, and many folks were met! Actually technically, only one folk was met (what do you call a singular folk, anyway?), but that's okay! All for the sake of a good interview, right? Hope you enjoyed it! See you next time!

 
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