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The Ten Worst Ways to Leave the Darigan Citadel


by iamskot

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Also by lupe_friend77

Dear fellow Neopians, together we have witnessed the rise and fall of civilisations; we have overcome the might of tyrants and managed to ward off the tax beast long enough to deposit our neopoints in the bank. Clearly, we are Neopians who believe in achievement, justice and keeping our neopoints safe.

But something terrible seems to have been overlooked. Something so dastardly, something so monstrous you will fail to comprehend it. Unless you can read. Then you should be able to comprehend it. Anyway- back to the dark evolving subplot unfolding as I write- this evil, turbulent problem threatens us all...

...Even those who live upon it.

I am speaking of the infamous and highly renowned Darigan Citadel. Floating majestically high in the air, this bastion of evil and misfortune strikes fear into the hearts of all who gaze upon its gloomy depths. High in his chambers, Lord Darigan chuckles throatily as he slowly plots against Meridell, and deep within the prisons guards grin and sneer as they gamble away their pay. But, that isn't the problem here. These are all perfectly nice Neopians, who care about every living soul. The problem is, once you get onto the Darigan Citadel, just how do you get off it?

Take for example, the unfortunate case of the Darigan Draik. It has long claws, perfect for nice peaceful violent shredding, a trendy hairstyle, but small wings- so small the laws of physics surely wouldn't enable the beast to fly. If you haven't got the point of this, I'll make it clearer below.

Darigan Draik: A nice expensive pet. WHICH CAN'T FLY.

Darigan Citadel: A large city FLOATING HUNDREDS OF FEET IN THE AIR.

See what I mean? The Darigan Citadel is a recipe for disaster. This may explain why Darigan Draiks aren't very common. Along with any other Darigan pet. Gravity really has a lasting effect on people living high up in the air. At least Faerieland has the odd faerie to save you as you plummet.

So, just what is the best way to leave the Darigan Citadel? No one knows. But, to be useful and annoying, I have compiled the ten WORST ways to leave. Enjoy!

NOTE: The author of this article takes no responsibility for any of the following: maiming, personal injury, mind damaging experiences, broken bones, twisted muscles, torn ligaments, dislocations or any other possible methods of harm that can strike a Neopian. OKAY?!

1) A giant Fireman's pole.

Pros: Okay, this has huge enjoyment value. This is second to none in the extreme factor, and will give you a huge adrenaline rush. You'll be travelling faster and faster towards the ground, which is guaranteed to give you a big wow.

Cons: You'll be travelling faster and faster to the ground. The ground is usually quite a hard place to hit at breakneck speed.

2) Getting catapulted into a colossal PILLOW.

Pros: You get to travel through the air in one long ear-splitting trajectory, a must for any adrenaline junkie. Also, you get the softest landing possible, and if you're tired, you can sleep on it afterwards. Also, you can have the ultimate pillow fight, perfect for any busy sleepover.

Cons: Catapults have a certain effect on people when the intended target -say, a giant pillow- is missed. I'll leave you to think about that one.

3) A Virtupets dual-engine, technical, high-powered, combustible, multi-fuelled, super-charged, battery-operated CANNON aimed straight at the ground.

Pros: THE ULTIMATE CANNONBALL!

Cons: This is a Virtupets dual-engine, technical, high-powered, combustible, multi-fuelled, super-charged, battery-operated CANNON aimed straight at the ground. You're in it. Aimed at the ground. Painful, much?

4) A zipwire.

Pros: You know the giant fireman’s pole was second to none? It is second to THIS. This truly is the most energetic extreme, spectacular method of travel available to Neopia. You could attach the end of the wire to anywhere, say, Mystery Island, the Haunted Woods or even the Neopia Central burger bar. The possibilities are endless, and all you need are the muscles to hold on.

Cons: Crashing into any battle scarred Pteris, marauding Dark Faeries and bulky space ships from Kreludor may result in a frenzied aerial battle you’re very unlikely to win, let alone survive.

5) Somehow make the Darigan Citadel stop floating.

Pros: You return to joy giving ground and can enjoy life as normal whenever you please. You also solve the plight of every Darigan Citadel inhabitant, and they can worship you for years to come. You could also write a best selling book 'how I crashed the Darigan Citadel' and get stinking rich.

Cons: You'll be standing on a gargantuan plummeting rock that will hit the ground in a tremendous roaring explosion, creating a massive crater deep in the face of Meridell. There are really better ways, which I'm sure you can appreciate.

6) A five hundred foot DEATHSLIDE.

Pros: A completely and utterly exhilarating plummet, which won't actually harm you. You can even race your friends to the bottom and impress anyone else watching your rush to the bottom.

Cons: Friction burns.

No, seriously. Friction burns HURT.

7) Scream 'GERONIMOOOO!' and leap off the Citadel hugging your knees.

Pros: A bird’s eye view of Neopia.

Cons: A much closer bird’s eye view of the ground.

8) Simply fly off the Citadel.

Pros: Complete avoidance of any mad, barmy and completely ridiculous methods of departure, so you can avoid any harm whatsoever. You get to exercise your flight muscles and a good amount of air can get to your usually cramped flight feathers. You can fly to anywhere you choose, and enjoy a beautiful scenic view as you travel along up draughts and gusts of gyrating wind.

Cons: Do you honestly think you have a chance of staying airborne whilst hundreds of stupid Neopians undertake countless stupid ways to leave this Citadel, many of which involve flying through the air at extreme velocity? You'll be knocked from the air in an instant of flurried feathers and talons.

9) Install a Virtupets Elevator

Pros: A swift, painless, calm method of returning to the ground, which is relatively cheap to keep running. You can avoid any danger in this airtight box, and it is clearly the sane way to leave the impenetrable fortress that is the Darigan Citadel. You'll even be ecstatic to actually leave with all your limbs intact and no doubt will dive out of the opening doors to kiss the hard trustworthy ground below you and then return to your loved ones.

Cons: Elevator music, a fate worse than any mentioned before in this article.

10) THE ULTIMATE IN PHYSICAL ENDURANCE. THE ULTIMATE OF ALL RIDES. THE MOST HAIR-RAISING, TEETH-CHATTERING MIND-BLOWING METHOD IN THE WHOLE OF NEOPIA. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ONE, THE ONLY, FLYING CARPET!

Pros: An aerodynamic lightweight ultra-speedy achievement in the history of flying. Ideal for trips to the Lost Desert, it multi-purposes as a picnic cloth and much more! You can impress friends and family and charge waiting Darigan citizens extortionate prices for them to ride on it to safety. This carpet is completely manoeuvrable and can avoid any foolhardy attempt to reach the ground in any other way. Clearly, this provides great excitement and enjoyment value and is completely and utterly foolproof.

Cons: Unfortunately, as of yet, they don't actually exist.

So, there you have it. An article that will no doubt fade into legend and give birth to many foolhardy attempts to leave the renowned and eye-capturing Darigan Citadel. One day, a brave Neopian will finally discover the true method of leaving the accursed place, and will so become a national hero.

Good-bye, and good luck.

 
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