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Sloth's Plan of DOOM!


by rhettdante

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(Neopia’s, specifically)

Dear Mumsie,

I, Doctor Frank Sloth, have finally come up with a plan to DESTROY Neopia! And this one will work! And it only takes seven easy steps! (Number eight doesn’t involve taking over Neopia.) Here they are:

#1: Alter my Neocola® machine to dispense Everlasting Apple juice, which is really my newest invention, Dung in a Can! Every Neopet who drinks it will instantly get sick, and no amount of normal medicines will help, because it isn’t a disease, so there IS no cure for this new ailment: The Stomach Flu 2.0! And it is incurable because Dung-in-a-can is filled with: EVIL SHRUNKEN MOOTIXES! And they will stay in the poor little Neopet's stomach FOREVER! Or well, at least until, um, well…

#2: Make thousands of random events that give away four Neocola® tokens at a time! Everyone, from the noobiest noob to the richest of the rich, will hurry to push the DOOM filled buttons on my Neocola® machine! Muahaha! At least one pet from every owner in Neopia will be rolling from side to side will an incurable TUMMY ACHE 2.0! and my evil mootixes will do their EVIL job! Mua ha haha! MUA ha hahahaha!!!

#3: Make a (fake) remedy, and sell it at a huge price to the healing faerie who will in turn sell it at huge prices (she HAS to be making a profit; how else would she be so shiny?) to the worried owners of Neopia! They will in turn, finding that it has no effect except to turn the victims’ pets’ bottom purple, get angry at the healing faerie, and SUE! The lawsuit will head up to the Faerie high court, and Fyora, tangled in the midst of a legal battle, as well as that OBNOXIOUS space faerie, will be unable to stop me!!! Muahahahahackcoughsplutter. *cough cough* well. Um.

#4: Capture the Neopets staff!! I know it seems bold, but with the income from my (fake) remedy, I’d be able to hire my poker buddy, Malkus Vile, to plan it, and I could use my new robotic Grundos to guard them! I will then take over the ultimate positions of Neopia! And all asparagus will be outlawed!

#5: Destroy the economy! Once the economy is ruined, with me in power as sole writer of the fabric of Neopia, the land will descend into chaos. First, I will flood the bank accounts with millions, raising to interest to 100%! Then, I will raise all Neopet levels to 999,999! With levels like that, weapons will become obsolete, and so will armor, and healing items, destroying almost every business there is. Open the lab ray publicly, BOOM, there go paintbrushes! All the stocks will plummet in nanoseconds with the monstrous inflation. And speaking of monstrous..

6#: REVENGE! I will reawaken the Bringer of Night and Razul. I will create millions of clones of the Snowager, who will rampage through Neopia, stealing everything. Fleets of dark faeries will reduce pet levels to one, but the Training school and the Academy will be bankrupt! The Pant Devil will strike a thousand times more than usual! The National Neopian will be destroyed in a flash of laser power, and with it, the LAST NEOPOINTS IN NEOPIA!

The big #7: Crown myself Supreme Ruler of the Universe! I will grow myself to planetary proportions, and construct a faeryllium powered laser and mount it on Kreludor, and conquer the rest of the universe! Every day will be Sloth Day! All avatars will say “I love Sloth” or the ones that are already there, like “Sloth minion” (my favorite). All those who were already Sloth minions will be promoted to command my intergalactic armies, and the solar system, then the galaxy, then the UNIVERSE will fall to my awesome power, and intense handsomeness! *hyper-evil laugh*

#8: Submit to my MEGA-EGO! First, I will create a new Neopet race called Sloths. It will be mandatory for all households to have at least one Sloth. And the Sloth must be fed only gourmet foods, and be played with all day, and be read to and stuff. Next, I will carve Terror Mountain into a giant monument to: ME! All of the monsters I awaken will be added to the rampaging horde already beating up Neopia! Then I will commission everyone left in Neopia to create a life sized STATUE of me riding on top of a Uni out of the SAND of the Lost Desert! They will undoubtedly find many hidden treasures, ancient artifacts of unspeakable power, and ancient monsters of unspeakable power, and ALL of them will get very hot and sweaty, and have sand in their shorts! *ultra hyper-evil laugh* And plus, they will have to carry THOUSANDS of gallons of water to make the statue, making them even more tired and sweaty! *omega-evil laugh* AND finally, I will create a planet, and using my Faeryllium powered laser, carve a planetary monument to Slothness! Hahahaha Mua hahahaha! Hahahahahack cough cough-cough!

So there you have it, Mom, the downfall of Neopia! I’ve reserved Mystery Island for your new home. I remember you loved it when we went there when I was planning to erupt the volcano and destroy that Nimmo’s training school. And possibly half the island.

Love, your evil son,

Frankie

Neopian National Security Note: the following was ‘received’ from a faerie Grundo messenger. Top secret. Do not let general public know that Dr. Sloth’s mother calls him Frankie. Would be dangerous if they laughed at him. HAHAHAHA Frankie! AHHHHHH!! BZZZAPP! Ribboof. {=_=}>+-----=(>”)>

Author: If you are reading this, THANK YOU NEOPETS STAFF for publishing it, thank you all of those people who wrote Sloth related articles and inspired me, and THANK YOU Sloth for not shooting me with that gigantic ray gun pointed inches from my face! AUUGH! DON’T PUSH THAT BUTTON WARFIE! BZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPP! /**\

Pile of sludge: Does anyone have some skin crème?

 
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