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A Whackable Guide to Splat-a-Sloth


by silent_snow

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You’re probably thinking at this very moment that this will be a useful guide to that wonderful game called Splat-A-Sloth, a guide which will help you get on the high score list by teaching you certain tricks to the game which only a chosen few know.

...and you’re right. However, these tricks are not the ones you are thinking of! Why, I’m sure you’re thinking that I’m going to tell you to make the game window fullscreen while playing, to keep a steady hand on the space bar at all times, to always look at the mouth of the pipe so that you don’t miss the sock...

WRONG!

Those tips are BASIC! Of course you should do these things! But the true Splat-A-Sloth master knows that there is more to the game than just those simple things. And, in this article, you shall finally learn this secret knowledge. Lucky you! All you will have to do is follow a few simple guidelines...

Step One: The Game and Why You Are Playing It

Splat-A-Sloth is a noble game that has been passed through generations of Grundos, all for the purpose of keeping the nefarious Dr. Sloth at bay. When you deliver a well-meant blow to the head of the Dr. Sloth sock, you are not only making yourself a few Neopoints, but also helping to demoralize the great villain himself so that he cannot succeed in his plans to take over Neopia! But before playing this wonderful game, you must ask yourself a few questions.

Am I willing to risk the wrath of Dr. Sloth, or a few nasty paper cuts?

Do I really hate Sloth enough to soundly whack an image of him?

Should I actually be reading this useless article?

The answer to that last question had better be yes, but the answers to the other two may vary among readers. If you replied ‘no’ to the first one, then it is best to stay away from this game, and if you said ‘no’ to the second one -- why are you even reading this article? Go join a Sloth fan club already!

However, if you answered ‘yes’ to all three questions, then you’re ready to play Splat-A-Sloth! Now, first off, you must be angry. If you aren’t incredibly angry at Dr. Sloth in the first place, you may hesitate to hit the sock when it first comes out of the tube, which will decrease your score greatly. We don’t want that! So, before playing the game, do some research on Sloth. Investigate how he created Transmogrification potions. Talk to one of those poor Grundos he enslaved. Remember that time he zapped your prized omelette into a pile of sludge...

Are you angry yet? Good! Are you ready to whack a Sloth sock now? Wonderful! But you shouldn’t whack him yet! There are still more things to learn.

Step Two: Grundos and You

Have you ever noticed those two Grundos in the game? You should have! They are the ones who drop the Sloth sock, so they determine when it is dropped, and at what speed it goes down the tube. In other words, they control the game. So before playing, talk to the Grundos. Introduce yourself. Be friendly. Bribe them if possible.

In other words, it is quite important to be on good terms with these two Grundos. Now, go on and get to know them! To start you off, their names are Gragrox and Zammow. Gragrox loves lime jelly (he makes statues of Usukis out of it on his free weekends) and Zammow speaks fluent Tyrannian. Good luck with finding out more!

Step Three: Your Whacking Utensil

Though it is often forgotten, the newspaper you use to whack the sock is a highly important part of the game. Its size and how heavy it is affect how effectively you can hit the sock. So don’t even think about using that 3rd Edition you got from Tombola. It is much too small.

Instead, try to get one of the larger editions from your local newspaper stand. The themed editions are always great ideas -- for example, the Christmas, Halloween, or Jhudora Day Issues. They will usually have many more articles, short stories, and comics, so the paper itself will be bigger. However, make sure that the part of the newspaper you can see is not the comics section. The bright colors may distract you from your real job, or you might get so caught up in reading a comic that you’ll miss the sock entirely. Try keeping the editorial on the outside instead, as it has more words than pictures.

Step Four: The Evil Image

The Sloth sock is potentially the most important aspect of this game, as everything you do is centered around it. Of course, the most important fact about the sock is that you need to whack it. Whacking a Sloth sock is composed of three main elements:

1) Seeing the Sloth sock

2) Not becoming hypnotized by its glowing red eyes

3) Thumping the sock with your newspaper

First off, you have to see the Sloth sock. This is not as easy as it may sound. The sock is a dull shade of green, doesn’t stand out much against the grey slide, and is very, very fast. But you can change this! Find a way of getting the two Grundos away for a bit (getting Gragrox to chase after some jelly works very well), then paint the Sloth sock with the Rainbow Paint Brush your sister just bought with her life’s savings. Disclaimer: The author refuses to accept responsibility for any damage done by rampaging siblings, as the author is quite bothersome like that. This will make the sock stand out against the background, so that you see it earlier and, thus, thwack it with more efficiency.

Yes, those innocent red button eyes can hypnotize you! Dr. Sloth threatened to completely destroy the game when it first came out, and was only appeased when the two Grundos promised to put a hypnotizing device into the sock that would turn every 98482nd person who hit it into Sloth’s mind slave. As a matter of fact, there is proof of this -- an innocent Spardel who once hit the sock could actually count to four after hitting the sock one day, and was found to have red glowing eyes as well.

Luckily, you can un-hypnotize yourself by putting on a pair of Dr Sloth Socks. No one is quite sure how doing this changes anything, but it is generally a good idea to keep a pair with a trusted friend, so that they can administer the socks if you are unlucky enough to be hypnotized. And if you are the type of Neopet who doesn’t have feet, well, have fun being Sloth’s minion for the rest of your life!

Step Five Time To Whack!

Are you ready to whack Sloth now?

WELL? ARE YOU?

The art of whacking has been perfected over time, starting in the noble game of Splat-A-Sloth itself. It was later found to be a key part of both Whack-A-Staff-Member and Whack-A-Kass, and was experimented with for a while in Gormball. Unfortunately, the players soon discovered that whacking didn’t mix well with explodable gormballs, and had to change to a lighter tap instead.

If you a truly serious about Splat-A-Sloth, you may wish to enroll in the top whacking school in Neopia, Swhackmore University. There, you can learn the exact art of whacking small objects, and even join their special Splatting class. Of course, this isn’t necessary. Most readers can just follow two highly complicated steps that have been put in their most technical and unreadable forms for this article.

1) Aim for the sock’s head

2) Use all of your strength

So, now you know the true secrets of Splat-A-Sloth. Use them well, and don’t forget that Sloth isn’t going to stand for all of this whacking for much longer -- you might want to use those Neopoints you earn to build a special sludge-ray-proof wall to protect yourself with for when Dr. Sloth tries to take over Neopia (again)!

 
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