The Secret Diary of Jeran Borodere
Entry 1: I adore peace time, now that all the fighting's
done I can finally get a break from all those fangirls. I swear, those things
are far scarier than Darigan ever was. Not that I'll ever admit it. Danner still
gives me a hard time about that one that followed me for weeks and called me
“Jerry”. Really, is Jeran all that hard to say?
Lisha says it's just because Danner's envious. Hey,
it's not my fault he's lousy at everything except archery. He just can't stand
the fact that he is never fangirled. ...Not that I want mine. Meh, must go,
summons from Skarl.
It seems his Majesty is worried about General Kass changing his name to Lord
Kass. Heck, who wouldn't want to be called Lord? Promotions are a good thing
– it means you can delegate more. Oh well, at least I now have a reason to go
romping around the countryside (Away from the fangirls! Go me!) to look for
anything suspicious. No complaints there. I think if I spent much more time
here, Meridell would have one very cracked (but handsome!) Champion on their
Got lost on the way to Hope River. So I failed geography, big deal. Danner
is now calling me Jeran the directionally challenged. Must find a way to remedy
this. Though I'm starting to think I'm losing my mind, I keep catching the sight
of fangirls out of the corner of my eye. I must be under too much stress.
There's rumors of a monster further to the north.
All it seems to be doing is stealing corn though. Personally I blame people
not locking their Babaas and Snorkles up properly. Danner thinks it's a large,
winged creature that was once a powerful sorcerer or something. I think he's
been reading too many Faerie Tales. Maybe I can use this as an excuse to visit
Maybe Skarl isn't as paranoid as I thought. Last night we could hear the sounds
of a rally on the Citadel above, and it sounded a lot like they were chanting,
“War!” over and over again. At first I wasn't sure it was really what they were
chanting, but a large Darigan Grarrl landed on top of one of our supply wagons.
Very Scary. Fortunately, I was able to maintain my manly demeanor. Danner, however,
screamed like a little six year old Usul girl. I'm expecting the number of Jeran
the directionally challenged jokes to decrease.
... I just had the most horrible premonition about
falling off the citadel. I blame the seasonings used with dinner last night.
Not that I can say anything, or else I would be pushed to cook. Most of the
knights I'm with are from further north, and they don't know that I can't cook.
I failed home ec too.
Yikes, I have to see if I can talk the master of squires
to accidentally 'losing' my school records, the amount of classes I failed are
kind of embarrassing. That might put a slight damper on my plans to take over
the world. ...I should remember to erase that last line.
The latest report from the Capitol mentions a new dancer girl heavily. I guess
the lack of news means there's nothing going on. Unless Skarl really just wanted
me out because of the dancing girl... She's probably the only girl in the whole
kingdom who doesn't fangirl me. Excuse me for awhile while I go pout.
I'd like to explain that I'm not pouting because she's not my fangirl, I'm
pouting because it would be nice to meet a girl who doesn't fangirl me.
Really! I mean it!
Why am I arguing with a diary? I swear, I'm losing my mind. Anyways, we finally
managed to find Hope River Village today. (Ha! I found it! Go me!) The villagers
seemed really glad to see me. At first I was afraid it was an entire village
of fangirls (and boys... * shudder * ) but it turns out they thought Kass was
attacking them last night. What is up with these people? First it's monsters
eating their corn, suddenly it turns into another war? Maybe something got into
the water supply.
I. Am. An. Idiot. The villagers weren't quite so crazy as I thought. Last night
we were attacked by Darigani in super scary war machines. Danner was the first
to let us know they were coming with his girly scream. I had to run out and
play 'hero' again, making up some orders that hopefully didn't sound too stupid.
Luckily I convinced everyone that charging them was a bad idea. I was still
trying to figure out a good way to just get out of there when the villagers
starting attacking us. Really! They were all googily eyed and started chasing
after all the knights. It was like a spontaneous fangirling across the whole
town, except the guys were doing it too.
Convincing everyone to run to the woods was pretty
easy after that. Ha, serves them right to see what I have to put up with all
Sounds like Skarl was having a bad day too. Turns out the (non fangirling!)
dancer was really a spy for Kass. Figures. Lisha (best sister in the whole world!)
figured it out and broke the spell she was using. I'm so proud of her, maybe
I'll buy her a puppyblew or something. Supposedly she was also the one making
the villagers go crazy. They were attacking us, not fangirling us. It's an easy
enough mistake to make, and makes a lot more sense. Who in the world would fangirl
Of course, as soon as the dancer was gone, Skarl called
me (well, and the other knights too) back. I bet he won't even give me a chance
to meet the dancer. Though Lisha says she's a lot less pretty now, drat it all.
Due to the country wide summons, the number of fangirls in the area have gone
up dramatically. I can see their eyes glowing in the firelight when we make
camp. I'm afraid they might try something if I go to sleep.
Of course, no one can hold off sleep forever. Sometime when Danner was on guard
I nodded off... and woke up in the clutches of a horde of venomous fangirls.
I'm sure Danner let them get me on purpose, because I was teasing him about
his squealing like a little girl getting a new Usuki. I was shown off, bragged
over, and generally abused for several hours before I managed to distract them
by screaming that it was Lord Kass and pointing the other way. They all squealed
and turned to look and I ran for it. Hmph, they fangirl Kass too? Maybe I can
work this to my advantage. I must also find some way to get revenge on Danner,
the squirmy blue Wocky that he is.
Someone put a whole handful of Spyders in Danner's bedroll. (No, I'm
not going to admit it was me, not even to you oh Diary of mine.) He jumped and
squealed again (I swear, he gets higher pitched each time.) He's becoming more
paranoid, jumping and squeaking at every little noise. The other knights and
I find this extremely hilarious, Danner can't seem to find the humor in it though.
Earlier today a small Spyder crossed our path and he screeched so loud a Crokabek
in the tree above us was stunned by the unearthly, horrid, and girly sound and
the poor creature plummeted to its death.
Maybe all we need to do to win this war is put him
under the Citadel and show him a Spyder?
The Disastrous Duo (also known as Morris and Boris) were the first to greet
us as we entered the Castle. Of course the first thing Skarl wanted was to know
my plan of attack. Plan? Since when have I planned anything? I just stumble
though life, not that I'll ever admit that. I just blurted out the first thing
to come to mind, something along the lines of attacking the citadel, and they
all congratulated me on my genius and began to work on it immediately. Sometimes
I am terrified for the future of this country.
I suspect the Disastrous Duo is up to something; they
keep tiptoeing about and are humming their “we're plotting” theme song.
Yes, they sing their own theme song to themselves. Even I'm not that
Note: At some point Skarl was stupid enough to call
them knights. Must have a word with His Majesty about this.
Skarl got rather ... shirty... with me, saying that I had to lead the charge
to the Citadel. He knows how I don't like heights! Am seriously depressed now.
He also sped up the time table, I suspect because he knew of my plan to run
away. Maybe Kass would let me join his side and work from the ground to get
out of this? Meh, I'd probably have to go up there to ask him anyways. Skarl
must know I'm up to something, because he's ordered my bedroom door locked;
I can't even ask Lisha for advice. Now I have nothing to keep my mind off the
idea of long, plummeting drops off the evil tower of DOOM. Yes, I've renamed
the Darigan Citadel. Not only is the new one cooler sounding, it's easier to
Hmm, maybe I'll write a letter to Lisha; it beats
rambling to myself here.
Today was a Very. Bad. Day. I think I need to re-take that magical aptitude
test; guess who managed to fall off the evil tower of DOOM? (Referred to as
the ETOD from now on.) Me! Not. Cool! On the other hand, I learned the advantage
of a Faerie fangirl; she caught me mid air and brought me down to ground. I
managed to avoid any awkward thank yous by pretending to be knocked out.
I was right about the Disastrous Duo as well; somehow
they'd smuggled potions of invisibility out of Kayla's shop and snuck up on
the ETOD. Of course, Lisha would have turned me into a Mortog if I'd let anything
happen to her little friends. Even if they DID deserve it. One of these days
I'm going to throttle those two... but first I need to find a way to have Danner
take the fall. That was a bad way to put that, I'd really rather avoid the word
'fall' for awhile.
After I... had my incident, Lord Darigan somehow managed
to return from the dead, single handedly saved everyone, and ended the war.
Why couldn't he have shown up three weeks ago?
Tonight Skarl is having a feast to celebrate our victory
and the new truce with Darigan. Lisha says I have to go. I tried to get out
of it by pretending to be sick, but to be frank, she's a lot scarier than everyone
else around here, and she bullied me into it. At least the Disastrous Duo isn't
invited. Hey, I survived my own battle plan, the ETOD, and the fangirls; I can
handle this dinner! Must go pep myself up now.