Battle Quills... ready! Circulation: 117,233,045 Issue: 233 | 31st day of Running, Y8
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The Secret Diary of Jeran Borodere

by nimras23


Entry 1: I adore peace time, now that all the fighting's done I can finally get a break from all those fangirls. I swear, those things are far scarier than Darigan ever was. Not that I'll ever admit it. Danner still gives me a hard time about that one that followed me for weeks and called me “Jerry”. Really, is Jeran all that hard to say?

    Lisha says it's just because Danner's envious. Hey, it's not my fault he's lousy at everything except archery. He just can't stand the fact that he is never fangirled. ...Not that I want mine. Meh, must go, summons from Skarl.

    Entry 2:

It seems his Majesty is worried about General Kass changing his name to Lord Kass. Heck, who wouldn't want to be called Lord? Promotions are a good thing – it means you can delegate more. Oh well, at least I now have a reason to go romping around the countryside (Away from the fangirls! Go me!) to look for anything suspicious. No complaints there. I think if I spent much more time here, Meridell would have one very cracked (but handsome!) Champion on their hands.

    Entry 3:

Got lost on the way to Hope River. So I failed geography, big deal. Danner is now calling me Jeran the directionally challenged. Must find a way to remedy this. Though I'm starting to think I'm losing my mind, I keep catching the sight of fangirls out of the corner of my eye. I must be under too much stress.

    There's rumors of a monster further to the north. All it seems to be doing is stealing corn though. Personally I blame people not locking their Babaas and Snorkles up properly. Danner thinks it's a large, winged creature that was once a powerful sorcerer or something. I think he's been reading too many Faerie Tales. Maybe I can use this as an excuse to visit Illusen's glade.

    Entry 4:

Maybe Skarl isn't as paranoid as I thought. Last night we could hear the sounds of a rally on the Citadel above, and it sounded a lot like they were chanting, “War!” over and over again. At first I wasn't sure it was really what they were chanting, but a large Darigan Grarrl landed on top of one of our supply wagons. Very Scary. Fortunately, I was able to maintain my manly demeanor. Danner, however, screamed like a little six year old Usul girl. I'm expecting the number of Jeran the directionally challenged jokes to decrease.

    ... I just had the most horrible premonition about falling off the citadel. I blame the seasonings used with dinner last night. Not that I can say anything, or else I would be pushed to cook. Most of the knights I'm with are from further north, and they don't know that I can't cook. I failed home ec too.

    Yikes, I have to see if I can talk the master of squires to accidentally 'losing' my school records, the amount of classes I failed are kind of embarrassing. That might put a slight damper on my plans to take over the world. ...I should remember to erase that last line.

    Entry 5:

The latest report from the Capitol mentions a new dancer girl heavily. I guess the lack of news means there's nothing going on. Unless Skarl really just wanted me out because of the dancing girl... She's probably the only girl in the whole kingdom who doesn't fangirl me. Excuse me for awhile while I go pout.

    Entry 6:

I'd like to explain that I'm not pouting because she's not my fangirl, I'm pouting because it would be nice to meet a girl who doesn't fangirl me.

    Entry 7:

Really! I mean it!

    Entry 8:

Why am I arguing with a diary? I swear, I'm losing my mind. Anyways, we finally managed to find Hope River Village today. (Ha! I found it! Go me!) The villagers seemed really glad to see me. At first I was afraid it was an entire village of fangirls (and boys... * shudder * ) but it turns out they thought Kass was attacking them last night. What is up with these people? First it's monsters eating their corn, suddenly it turns into another war? Maybe something got into the water supply.

    Entry 9:

I. Am. An. Idiot. The villagers weren't quite so crazy as I thought. Last night we were attacked by Darigani in super scary war machines. Danner was the first to let us know they were coming with his girly scream. I had to run out and play 'hero' again, making up some orders that hopefully didn't sound too stupid. Luckily I convinced everyone that charging them was a bad idea. I was still trying to figure out a good way to just get out of there when the villagers starting attacking us. Really! They were all googily eyed and started chasing after all the knights. It was like a spontaneous fangirling across the whole town, except the guys were doing it too.

    Convincing everyone to run to the woods was pretty easy after that. Ha, serves them right to see what I have to put up with all the time.

    Entry 10:

Sounds like Skarl was having a bad day too. Turns out the (non fangirling!) dancer was really a spy for Kass. Figures. Lisha (best sister in the whole world!) figured it out and broke the spell she was using. I'm so proud of her, maybe I'll buy her a puppyblew or something. Supposedly she was also the one making the villagers go crazy. They were attacking us, not fangirling us. It's an easy enough mistake to make, and makes a lot more sense. Who in the world would fangirl Danner?

    Of course, as soon as the dancer was gone, Skarl called me (well, and the other knights too) back. I bet he won't even give me a chance to meet the dancer. Though Lisha says she's a lot less pretty now, drat it all.

    Entry 11:

Due to the country wide summons, the number of fangirls in the area have gone up dramatically. I can see their eyes glowing in the firelight when we make camp. I'm afraid they might try something if I go to sleep.

    Entry 12:

Of course, no one can hold off sleep forever. Sometime when Danner was on guard I nodded off... and woke up in the clutches of a horde of venomous fangirls. I'm sure Danner let them get me on purpose, because I was teasing him about his squealing like a little girl getting a new Usuki. I was shown off, bragged over, and generally abused for several hours before I managed to distract them by screaming that it was Lord Kass and pointing the other way. They all squealed and turned to look and I ran for it. Hmph, they fangirl Kass too? Maybe I can work this to my advantage. I must also find some way to get revenge on Danner, the squirmy blue Wocky that he is.

    Entry 13:

Someone put a whole handful of Spyders in Danner's bedroll. (No, I'm not going to admit it was me, not even to you oh Diary of mine.) He jumped and squealed again (I swear, he gets higher pitched each time.) He's becoming more paranoid, jumping and squeaking at every little noise. The other knights and I find this extremely hilarious, Danner can't seem to find the humor in it though. Earlier today a small Spyder crossed our path and he screeched so loud a Crokabek in the tree above us was stunned by the unearthly, horrid, and girly sound and the poor creature plummeted to its death.

    Maybe all we need to do to win this war is put him under the Citadel and show him a Spyder?

    Entry 14:

The Disastrous Duo (also known as Morris and Boris) were the first to greet us as we entered the Castle. Of course the first thing Skarl wanted was to know my plan of attack. Plan? Since when have I planned anything? I just stumble though life, not that I'll ever admit that. I just blurted out the first thing to come to mind, something along the lines of attacking the citadel, and they all congratulated me on my genius and began to work on it immediately. Sometimes I am terrified for the future of this country.

    I suspect the Disastrous Duo is up to something; they keep tiptoeing about and are humming their “we're plotting” theme song. Yes, they sing their own theme song to themselves. Even I'm not that bad.

    Note: At some point Skarl was stupid enough to call them knights. Must have a word with His Majesty about this.

    Entry 15:

Skarl got rather ... shirty... with me, saying that I had to lead the charge to the Citadel. He knows how I don't like heights! Am seriously depressed now. He also sped up the time table, I suspect because he knew of my plan to run away. Maybe Kass would let me join his side and work from the ground to get out of this? Meh, I'd probably have to go up there to ask him anyways. Skarl must know I'm up to something, because he's ordered my bedroom door locked; I can't even ask Lisha for advice. Now I have nothing to keep my mind off the idea of long, plummeting drops off the evil tower of DOOM. Yes, I've renamed the Darigan Citadel. Not only is the new one cooler sounding, it's easier to pronounce.

    Hmm, maybe I'll write a letter to Lisha; it beats rambling to myself here.

    Entry 16:

Today was a Very. Bad. Day. I think I need to re-take that magical aptitude test; guess who managed to fall off the evil tower of DOOM? (Referred to as the ETOD from now on.) Me! Not. Cool! On the other hand, I learned the advantage of a Faerie fangirl; she caught me mid air and brought me down to ground. I managed to avoid any awkward thank yous by pretending to be knocked out.

    I was right about the Disastrous Duo as well; somehow they'd smuggled potions of invisibility out of Kayla's shop and snuck up on the ETOD. Of course, Lisha would have turned me into a Mortog if I'd let anything happen to her little friends. Even if they DID deserve it. One of these days I'm going to throttle those two... but first I need to find a way to have Danner take the fall. That was a bad way to put that, I'd really rather avoid the word 'fall' for awhile.

    After I... had my incident, Lord Darigan somehow managed to return from the dead, single handedly saved everyone, and ended the war. Why couldn't he have shown up three weeks ago?

    Tonight Skarl is having a feast to celebrate our victory and the new truce with Darigan. Lisha says I have to go. I tried to get out of it by pretending to be sick, but to be frank, she's a lot scarier than everyone else around here, and she bullied me into it. At least the Disastrous Duo isn't invited. Hey, I survived my own battle plan, the ETOD, and the fangirls; I can handle this dinner! Must go pep myself up now.

The End

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