There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 117,233,045 Issue: 233 | 31st day of Running, Y8
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Diary of a Kadoatie


by aerita

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Day 139 of My Captivity

Today, after many weeks of confinement, I was seized most inelegantly and dumped onto a flat surface, from which I was able to see another giant, similar in appearance to my captor. It had a whinging giantling hanging onto its paw, and a look of harassment on its face. There was a loud argument - by their standards - during which the new giant became increasingly angry. Eventually it turned away in disgust, whilst I was picked up and placed back on the shelf with my brethren. It left the containment unit, dragging the sullen giantling behind it. I sighed, bored with this performance; I have seen, and participated in, the ritual ever since I can remember.

     But today was different - I watched with interest as the giantling dug its heels in and refused to carry on. The exasperated giant turned on it and made those loud noises that giants make sometimes when they are angry. The giantling turned unusually pale, but it stayed where it was and made a quiet reply. The giant's shoulders sagged, and it turned back to the door to the containment unit. This considerably surprised me; never before had one of their kind re-entered the unit. But this one walked back up to the counter and pointed at me, making those silly noises that giants make to communicate. My captor made suggestive gestures at the rest of my brothers and sisters, but the giant shook its head and pointed with renewed energy at me. This came as no great shock; unlike the others, I am patterned and, of course, more beautiful. Reluctantly my captor brought me back over to the flat area - I have acquired the impression that I am somewhat of a trophy to him. The pair restarted their argument until I was plucked from my miniscule jail by my original captor and handed over to the newcomer. I was shoved into a dark, damp cardboard box and imprisoned there instead. I was jolted and bruised most terribly for a while, before the sensation stopped and I was dropped onto the ground with a thud. I meowed pitifully in an attempt for my new captor to relent with their harsh treatment, but received no reply except another jolt that seemed larger than the one before. I have never understood giants. Even when you make beautiful music for them, they insist on manhandling you until you are forced to remain quiet. Their own music is a horrible, grating imitation of our own lovely voices - mine in particular. My voice has always been the loudest, most strident, most perfect of all the Kadoaties in the containment unit. Thinking of them, will they be there at my new destination? I will inform you when I have the opportunity. For now, they are setting me down. Farewell.

Day 1 of My New Imprisonment

     It appears that I have left one brutal area of confinement only to be kept in another. I have a basket, true, but it's old and cheap and not worth my attention. At least the giantling agrees with me. When it saw the basket it made a noise of disgust and swept me up, annoyed. I think I may yet manipulate this one in my escape from the prison.

     For prison it is; as soon after I arrived I was seized upon most roughly and hauled upwards. As you may imagine, I protested vociferously against this and proceeded to struggle against the giant's arms. It refused to let go, however, so I was forced to resort to more crude, violent means. I examined my paw lovingly; three razor-sharp, gleaming claws sprang out. The giantling, standing in the doorway, saw this and wisely decided to edge away.

     I am sure I need not illustrate for you what happened; suffice it to say that the giant soon released me with a yell using such words as I will not relate. It was a loud enough noise to almost be worthy of a noble Kadoatie. Notice the use of the word "almost."

     Therefore I became certain that "Noisy", as I have labelled him, would not lay his worthless hands on me again. How wrong I was! For whilst I was sitting before a pleasant source of heat I discovered in the living room, he stole up behind me, taking advantage of my distraction; I was grooming myself. The next thing I knew, I was on my back in mid-air, paws pinned to my sides, while Noisy fastened something around my neck. The second I was released, I shot off up the stairs. Yet there was a tinkling noise coming from somewhere: my pace increased as I realised I had an invisible follower. But no matter how I increased my speed, there was always a tinkling shadow behind me! Eventually, I realised there was only one thing for it. I would have to fight this attacker!

     I skidded and turned around, claws making long, jagged tears in the carpet. Right then I didn't care. Hissing, I arched my back, the fur on my body standing on end, paw raised and claws extended for a swipe.

     There was nothing there.

     The swipe continued before I could stop it. Carried by the momentum, I rolled over my foreleg and landed in an atrociously undignified heap. It was at this highly embarrassing moment that a new acquaintance decided to make itself known.

     "Haw, haw, haw! Look at the silly pussycat!" an aggravating voice screamed out. "Silly pussycat's got itself all tied up in knots! Haw, haw, haw! Silly pussycat!" The voice grated on my eardrums and unravelled some more of my already frayed temper.

     Furious, I cast about for the speaker. It was only when it occurred to me to look up that I identified it.

     A smug-looking bird sat in a cage far above. Its eyes were half-closed, but it wore a self-satisfied grin on its round, fluffy face. I could take it out with my eyes closed, I thought. I would dearly like to, as well.

     Just then, the giantling came in. "Fluffy!" it exclaimed. "There you are! Oh - I see you've found Squawk, my Pirakeet. Isn't he adorable?" Seeing my eyes narrowing, it quickly added, "but not as adorable as you, of course." Satisfied, I opened my eyes again and purred intensely. I had this one trained.

     A curious thudding noise reached my ears. It appeared to be coming from the stairs.

     "Oh-oh," the giantling muttered, "it's Dad." Just as I was wondering who "Dad" was, I found myself face-to-face with Noisy. It loomed above me threateningly, and I was pleased to see that the giantling had had the presence of mind to stand over the rips I had made in the carpet. This made me think of the tinkling noise. What had it been? I was soon to find out.

     "Jen, move," thundered the giant. "I've got that cage I told you about."

     "But Fluffy'll be good!" pleaded the giantling - Jen - desperately. "She doesn't need a cage!"

     I was reeling mentally. Fluffy? Where on Earth had it dug up such a repulsive, pathetic, hateful, ridiculously mushy name? And me? Good? Whatever made her think that?

     "Nevertheless," stated Noisy firmly, "that creature could wreck our house!" and, so quiet I almost missed it, "It's already wrecked my bank account."

     Quickly, it lunged forward and grabbed me roughly by the scruff of the neck. I yowled in protest, but it merely grimaced and stuffed me brusquely into yet another iron prison. I have never understood giants about this, either; they seem to have a fixation on manhandling innocent Kadoaties into horrible, uncomfortable, hard metal boxes and trapping them inside. I hate it when this happens to me; it's simply horrific.

     And it makes such a mess of one's fur, as well. In light of this I immediately settled down for a good long grooming session when I was set down on a hard surface.

     Whilst I was doing this, my concentration was wrecked by a shrill voice screaming down, "Who's a naughty kitty, then?"

     It was that infuriating bird-thing, Squawk, with whom, I realised, I would have to spend the entire period of my captivity. Admittedly not in the same cell, but in the same room, and that was more than sufficient.

     I rose up against the bars and yowled in protest; this earned a sharp retort from Noisy, who proceeded to explain the terms on which I would be released; no yowling, hissing, scratching, biting, or disruption in general. I was most disappointed at this, but I could see that it was deadly serious and so I complied. I am at present still contained within my cell; I am writing this to the cacophony of Squawk's screeches.

     But back to my relation of events. As the giantling, Jen, rushed to my side to soothe me (as it thought; in reality it was only a nuisance,) it left the rips in the carpet uncovered. Noise's eyes narrowed most threateningly, and it strode forward.

     "Jen! That creature of yours has been at the carpet!" Its voice was a rising crescendo.

     "50 neopoints I paid for that carpet! And now - and now - and NOW!" Noisy's eyes bulged at this point. I watched with considerable interest that soon turned to fearful apprehension as it turned on me.

     "YOU MISERABLE CREATURE! You're never coming out of there; NEVER I say! I've had enough of you! As soon as I can find a buyer, you're going OUT!"

     "No!" screamed the giantling pitifully. "Not Fluffy! She'll be good! I promise! Just one more chance, Dad, please!" By the end its voice was almost a persuasive whine, if there is such a thing. I looked on, torn between amusement and fear at what they - Noisy, even - might do to me.

     "Very well," boomed Noisy. "One more chance. But it stays in the cage!" It stormed out of the room angrily, followed by the terrified giantling.

     I am curious to see what will happen next.

Day Two of My New Confinement

     After I was left alone in the dark, I contrived to sleep but the hard iron bars of my poky little containment unit offered little comfort, the barren floor even less. So I sat myself in a corner, thinking things over; my advantages, disadvantages, and how I might escape.

     I came to the conclusion that the giantling, Jen I think it is called, is devoted to me. That is to say, it - I refuse to say she - would watch over me day and night if it had the slightest notion that I might come to harm. Unfortunately, this was my only advantage.

     My disadvantages, needless to say, were many and great. I was alone in the dark, trapped within a metal prison, with an idiotic, annoying bird-thing for company.

     There was only a miniscule chance of my release; Noisy had it in for me, and I was sure it was the master here. I was thwarted at almost every turn.

     I was sure that the giantling was ready to release me, but how could I make her - sorry, it? It would also have to be a time when Noisy was not around. And so, as difficulties and dangers increased at every mental step I took, I laid my plans. Doesn't that sound delightfully mysterious and ever so slightly sinister? What was that? No? How dare you! Don't you know that you exist only to serve us, Kadoatie-kind? Ignorant fool.

     ~

     Quite some time later, I rose up from my corner and advanced to the front of my prison. Yes, I was sure of it; footsteps coming up the stairs, towards my room of confinement even! Escape?

     When the door swung open, creaking, I was ready. The giantling came in with a round, polished bowl in each hand. Quite right too, that it should serve me and bring me food - although it would have suited my status better if the bowls had been jewelled, or at the very least made of gold. Ah well, one cannot have everything in life - more's the pity. Anyway, as soon as it set the bowls down, I fixed my most pathetic gaze upon it, making my eyes as large, soulful and pleading as possible. There is an art to this - but that's another story. I'm sure you've come across the technique before. I happen to be an adept and soon the idiot thing was crooning over me, feeling mean and cruel at keeping me in a cage, alone in the dark. But at present Noisy's hold over it was too strong and it simply walked out of the room, promising to return tomorrow. Tomorrow! I expect to be fed, watered and groomed at least three times per day. It was an absolute insult.

     The next day, I performed the same act, beginning as soon as the giantling walked into the room. How awkwardly that type of giant moves! Nothing like a Kadoatie's beautiful, graceful stalk. Anyway, back to the story… Once again it carried two cheap-looking bowls, this time with the insufferable name "Fluffy" scrawled on them in atrocious handwriting. What's more, as well as a bowl in one hand it carried a cheap-looking collar. It was plain red leather. I ask you! The bowls were bad enough, but this was unbelievable. That it should think about putting a collar on me was bad enough, but it should at least be covered in jewels! And red clashes so badly with my coat. I was horrified when it put the detestable thing around my neck, and it took a great amount of self-control to keep myself from biting and scratching it. But it was, after all, essential to my plan that it remained enchanted with me. Eventually I executed the same technique as before, and this time it felt so sorry for me that it left the light on when it departed, enabling me to see more of my surroundings. I must admit it appeared to be hopeless at first. The only other creature in the room was that idiot bird Squawk. But, unfortunately, that imbecile was my only chance of escape.

     After much sweet-talking and explaining - I will not bore you with the details; they are too mindlessly stupid for words (except the ones he put them in) - I succeeded in talking Squawk through the process of opening his cage door. It is a testament to his stupidity that he had not worked out how to achieve this before - I would have been out in a flash. Unfortunately the bars of my cage were too close together to squeeze a paw through - although much longer in that abominable place and I would surely have been thin enough to do so - so I had to persuade the bird to open it for me.

     Regrettably, the bird in question was enjoying freedom far too much and flapped around the room erratically, crashing into vases and knocking over lights. I despaired of ever escaping; as long as the bird kept making that racket, we were bound to be caught.

     Eventually the thing's excitement subsided and I was able to persuade it to open my cage door. Immediately I ran to the food bowl and reluctantly dipped my chest into the red gunk, withdrawing as quickly as possible. Then I distanced myself from it - so as not to arouse suspicion - and arranged myself on the floor, so as to look like the victim of an attack. The bird was still crashing about the room - good. I started to yowl pathetically at the very top of my voice; and I have an incredibly good voice. Really, it was almost opera.

     As I had predicted, the devoted giantling came pounding up the stairs, breathing incredibly heavily. It burst into the room, chest heaving and face scarlet, and saw this; me, whom it loved dearly, clearly the victim of an attack from the bird now perched on a lamp and squawking loudly. Of course, it rushed to comfort me, leaving the door wide open. In a flash, I shot between its legs and out of the door, running down the stairs and towards freedom.

     There followed a desperate chase through the house, for the giantling knew her home and I did not; but I was faster than her and did not tire so easily, so it was fairly evenly matched. After about half an hour, the giantling was puffing and panting fit to burst, and even I was a little tired. Then came a sound from which we both drew hope: the sound of Noisy's approach on the gravel. It had been out doing something for quite some time, but now it had returned… and to get in, it had to open the front door.

     By then I had acquired a rough map in my head of the huge house; I bolted for the front door and arrived just as Noisy opened it. I sprinted for the door, my aching muscles protesting, and made it out onto the street. I was safe.

     The first thing I did was to scratch and scratch at that hateful collar until it tore and fluttered to the ground. After I had ripped it up I felt much better.

     Now, I have taken up residence in a delightful building called the Kadoatery. There are many other Kadoaties here - some are "regulars" and some come once and never again. I have already made the acquaintance of the whole row. There are a few lovely coats here, but mine, naturally, is the best. I've always been told I was beautiful, but until I arrived here I never fully realized it. Regular grooming and attention is expected and received here, along with trips outside of the cages. As for food… ah, you only have to demand what you want, and it will arrive within the hour. It is also a chance to show off one's vocal talents - the louder and more glorious your voice is, the quicker you are fed. I have been first throughout the day. The Kadoatie in the cage next to mine tells me that it's a holiday home for Kadoaties. I shouldn't be surprised if it was better than their actual homes - it's certainly better than mine was. I am perfectly happy here.

     If this were a pathetic human fairy-tale then I might end this diary "And they all lived happily ever after." Well, I plan to do so, but by no means will the same be true for other people…

The End

 
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