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Oh, Woe is Me! I Am Very Distressed!


by aigroegdede

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You’ve heard of Itchie Scratchies. You’ve heard of Floppy Tongue. You’ve heard of Neomonia. But there is a condition that is not listed at the Hospital. It is called the Condition of the Very Distressed, and it is caused by eight main Very Distressing Events. If you have not yet suffered from a Very Distressed Condition as a result of one of these Very Distressing Events, you will one day. And try as you might, you won’t find a cure at the Pharmacy.

Oh, woe is me – what am I to do? you ask tearfully.

What are you to do, indeed? Simple! You follow Dr. Aigroegdede’s highly researched (sort of) and reliable (in a not-to-be-trusted kind of way) remedies! Below are listed the eight main causes for a Very Distressed Condition, and the cure for it. You need not be nearly so Distressed as the road to recovery is not nearly so long as you think!*

*This depends on how long you think the road to recovery may otherwise be.

Very Distressing Event 1: Your story/comic/article/series is rejected from the Neopian Times.

The first stage is denial. This is just a joke, right? Someone’s having a laugh at your expense. There is no possible way that your masterpiece could have been rejected. This was your life’s work! The result of days and months of years of planning and composing!

The second stage is self-consolation. It was just rejected because they couldn’t fully understand your genius. You are way too good for THEM (whoever THEY may be).

The third stage is anger. How dare they, those rotten little CENSORED who CENSORED and you are fully going to give them a piece of your DEFINITELY CENSORED mind for rejecting your masterpiece!

The fourth stage is self-pity. How could they? Don’t they have any feelings whatsoever? Did they ever stop to think that your tender little heart might have enough bruises on it without adding to THIS?

Solution: Keep away from all honest friends and stick to the ones who always tell you that everything is fine, that you’re talented, intelligent, etcetera, etcetera. Do not read the Neopian Times for a while – in fact, don’t read at all. Take your anger out on something soft, like cushions (but not on a Babaa. They are perfect for this sort of thing, but you’ll regret it later).

Very Distressing Event 2: You DO get something in the Neopian Times, and all of a sudden your once-empty Inbox is overflowing with Neomail.

This can come as a deep shock to someone who was preparing to go out and eat Slorgs because no one wanted to know them. All of a sudden you have a million new friends all eager to know what your inspiration was, and how do you get something in and my piece was rejected and what was so much better about yours, etcetera. All you can possibly think is: “I got something IN? When? Where? Who am I? What’s going on? Has the world, by any chance, gone nuts?”

Solution: Send them all this Neomail: ‘I am sorry. I am currently suffering from amnesia and cannot remember anything prior to the last second. Please do not write to me again, or you might begin to take on a Very Distressed Condition.’ They ought to leave you alone. If they don’t... take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

Very Distressing Event 3: You don’t get anything good from the Tombola/various Wheels/Healing Spring/Fruit Machine/Coltzan’s Shrine/anything else that usually gives out something good.

Your first reaction is to destroy the Tombola/various Wheels/Healing Spring/Fruit Machine/Coltzan’s Shrine/anything else that usually gives out something good but didn’t. Restrain yourself and instead look at the below solution.

Solution: Go to the boards and complain about the Tombola/various Wheels/Healing Spring/Fruit Machine/Coltzan’s Shrine/anything else that usually gives out something good but didn’t. You ought to find a lot of people who agree with you on that, and it will make you feel better.

Very Distressing Event 4: You JUST missed out on getting the golden trophy in any of the many games.

Like the Neopian Times rejection, your first reaction is denial. Someone is having you on. There is a glitch. The person who did win cheated and they will be found out soon and you will receive an apology and perhaps a paintbrush as part of the apology. A second stage of anger can follow, but those with good self-control will probably accept it and start over again. But we can speed up the process with a solution.

Solution: Resist the urge to Neomail and abuse the winner and instead drown your sorrows in something very sweet and delicious. Chocolate or ice cream is a good idea, unless you have been playing the Ice Cream Factory. If so, go to the Health Food store instead and eat organic pears or broccoli or something that is completely sweet-free. Do not play the game for a long time. Instead, move onto something completely different. For example; if you failed at Spell-or-Starve... moving on to Eliv Thade = bad. It will result in your Very Distressed Condition worsening in a most disastrous manner.

Very Distressing Event 5: You ran out of time on level 19 of Illusen’s Glade/Jhudora’s Cloud and now you are back to level 1.

Your first reaction will be anger. You will long to pick something up and hurl it across the room. You will long to scream and scream and you will long to go to Illusen/Jhudora and throw one of their Illusen Cream Cakes or Poisonous Lollypops in their face, and say, “THAT'S FOR GIVING ME ONE OF THESE WHEN I GAVE YOU A PUPPYBLEW.”

Solution: You have permission to pick something up and hurl it across the room, as long as it is soft and can’t feel anything, e.g. not a Babaa, because you’ll regret it later. You have permission to scream and scream, as long as it is in the safety of your own Neohome and not anywhere with lots of Neopians e.g. not Neopia Central. You have permission to VISUALISE going to Illusen/Jhudora and throwing one of their Illusen Cream Cakes or Poisonous Lollypops in their face, and saying, “THAT'S FOR GIVING ME ONE OF THESE WHEN I GAVE YOU A PUPPYBLEW” but do not act upon it. I repeat: do not act upon it. You will, like hurling a Babaa across the room, regret it later.

After that, stay away from Jhudora and Illusen. They’re really not that fun to be around.

Very Distressing Event 6: You just wasted your hard-earned Neopoints on something you thought would be great, but turned out to be... not-so-great.

This is very common, so keep in mind that you are not alone. Many of us have blown 500 NP on a concert ticket, or spent 10 000 NP on clothes for the Fire Faerie and received a measly bit of Strength in return, or bought what we thought was an extremely rare item in a shop only to find out that the Advent Calendar has been giving them out all day. Your first reaction will be to destroy something, your second to weep over your non-existent hard-earned Neopoints, and your third will be to kick yourself for being so stupid.

Solution: Feel free to destroy something, but take the time to make sure it really is a Plain Omelette and not a Starry Paintbrush. Destroying your Starry Paintbrush will not help matters. Destroying a Plain Omelette will. Plain Omelettes are disagreeable, flavorless, and very easily destroyed. You will feel much better after doing so.

Feel free also to weep and weep, preferably alone or with a long-suffering and reassuring friend. Do not kick yourself, though, unless you are wearing shin guards. If you are like me, you will kick harder than you intend to and end up in considerable pain. Considerable pain is best avoided.

Very Distressing Event 7: You have saved up for months and months to buy another Starry Paintbrush after destroying your last one because you thought it was a Plain Omelette, and the day you strut proudly in to buy it, you discover that their rarity has increased, therefore raising the price up another 100 000 Neopoints.

Your reaction will be to scream and scream and pick up the Starry Paintbrushes and paint everyone in the shop with one so all of a sudden it looks like the middle of the night. Then, you will walk calmly out of the shop into broad daylight and say to the first person you meet, “Nice night tonight, isn’t it?”

Solution: Do not perform the above actions. Starry Paintbrushes are nice and all, but Neopians like variety. Instead of going on a crazy Paintbrush painting spree, go home, weep for a while, throw a soft and unfeeling item around the room, making sure it is not a Babaa, then dry your eyes and start the long journey to that extra 100 000 Neopoints. The sooner you begin the journey, the sooner it will end and you can strut proudly into the shop again where you may or may not find that the prices have increased, and if you do find that they have increased, you then have permission from Dr. Aigroegdede to paint everyone in the shop with Starry Paintbrushes. This should make you feel much better.

Very Distressing Event 8: Everything is going fine, and you have not had a rejection from the Neopian Times, or found your Inbox overflowing, or gone for long periods of time without something good from the Tombola/various Wheels/Healing Spring/Fruit Machine/Coltzan’s Shrine/anything else that usually gives out something good, or just missed out on a golden trophy, or run out of time on level 19 Illusen’s Glade/Jhudora and been reduced to level 1, or spent your hard-earned Neopoints on something you thought would be great, but turned out to be... not-so-great, or saved up for months and months to buy another Starry Paintbrush after destroying your last one because you thought it was a Plain Omelette, and the day you strutted proudly in to buy it, you discovered that their rarity has increased, therefore raising the price up another 100,000 Neopoints, and you are scarily aware that something bad might happen at any moment.

This is an extremely rare condition.

Solution: Enjoy it while it lasts.

 
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