Asparagus: Rotten to the Core
Asparagus, one of the great mysteries of the Neopian world and also one of the
most disgusting foods. After all, would you eat at a restaurant that advertised
‘Asparagus Yoghurt?’ I thought not. Many people accept this odd obsession with
asparagus as one of the unknown, never-to-be-solved mysteries of Neopia. I’m here
to prove that Asparagus is definitely malicious, smarter than it looks, and bears
Neopia no good will.
The first case of evidence:
The Asparagus TCG card. It portrays an overturned basket of Asparagus and sports
the phrase ‘The Soup Faerie tells me they’re yummy, and Faeries aren’t supposed
to lie.’ Now, observe if you will, the lack of an owner of said Asparagus. Why
is no one holding this so-called precious vegetable? Obviously the Asparagus
has worked some evil on the carrier of the basket and is making a bid for freedom.
Don’t forget the quote. If Asparagus is, in fact, not yummy, that would mean
the Faeries were lying. Since when do Faeries lie? Since they were brainwashed
by the Asparagus, that’s when! It is crystal clear that the seemingly innocent
Asparagus have enough power to exert mind control over the kind-hearted Faeries.
I bring before you the second point:
For those lucky travelers who have stumbled upon, accidentally or not, Fyora’s
Hidden Tower, they will find two ancient artifacts. The Asparachucks, and the
Asparagus Dagger. Both are priced at well over 2 million Neopoints. When you
roll your mouse over the Asparachucks, the ominous message ‘Don’t ask’ pops
up. Surely this proves that the Asparagus are unwilling to expose their true
motives. Just what are these seemingly innocent vegetables hiding?
The Asparagus Dagger, furthermore, when the mouse is held over it for a few
seconds, announces the power of raw vegetables. Yeah, you heard me right. Raw
vegetables. Is there nothing more disgusting than uncooked vegetables? I think
this costly dagger is part of a secret plan to infect Neopets with a vegetable
blight during battles. Why else would it be raw? (And think of all the things
that start with raw. Raw power, raw strength…)
Third piece of evidence:
The Asparagus “Bleh” avatar. It portrays a sad-looking, (no doubt pretending)
stalk of asparagus with the word ‘Bleh’ repeated over and over and over and
OVER. Now, note the anagram of ‘Bleh’, as when you rearrange the letters, it
becomes, lo and behold, HELB! Now, this is not a real word. But it is very evident
that some poor Neopian, attacked by these vicious, scheming stalks of renegade
salad, created this avatar in a last-ditch attempt to send the message: HELP!
But he knew the Asparagus would recognize the plea, and so changed it to HELB.
The Asparagus outsmarted this poor soul at the last, though. They saw his clever
plan and intercepted the new avatar before it could be placed on some heavily
trafficked page where some Neopian would be sure to see it and rescue the unknown
victim. The Asparagus reversed the word so that it read BLEH, and made the asparagus
on the avatar to look properly depressing, rather than evil.
But that’s not all. The Asparagus didn’t stop at this dastardly deed either.
They placed the ‘Bleh’ avatar on a page that many Neopians visit. I can’t tell
you where (it’s one of those ‘if I told you, I’d have to throw old, smelly,
probably disgusting fish at you’ things), but be sure that it is one of the
easiest avatars to get. And that, of course, is all part of the Asparagus Master
Plan. I bet that one day, all those “cute little Bleh avatars” will rise up
and attack those they own! Not so cute now, huh?! First, it’s one owner. Then
two. Then four. Then all the chatboards. Then the world. How horribly inhumane.
Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty more for our…
Fourth piece of evidence:
If you are brave and/or foolish enough to wish to own something Asparagus-related,
you would naturally type ‘Asparagus’ into the search bar. What pops up? An image
of Adam saying ‘You can’t have it, it’s all MINE!’ Before dismissing this as
one of TNT’s eccentricities, though, you should think it over.
If you’re clever, or just plain paranoid, you could recognize this as one of
the dangers of Asparagus. It has probably brainwashed even TNT into doing its
evil deeds! Think about it. What does TNT control? Everything. What does ‘everything’
include? The Money Tree…the Trading Post…in short, the Asparagus could get a
lot of Neopoints at any given time.
Fifth case in point:
This also deals with the Asparagus-themed items that appear when you do a search.
Disregarding the ominous picture at the top, described in the previous paragraph,
let your eye roam over the various items. Faerie Asparagus? You wonder. What
Naturally, you click on it. The description of ‘Faerie Asparagus’ reads ‘’Picked
fresh from the flying asparagus trees in Fyora’s private garden.’ Well, would
you look at that. They’ve even managed to infiltrate Fyora’s Castle! I call
that pretty devious. And they did it without the help of the Meepits, because
unless they were Faerie Meepits, Meepits can’t fly.
The next piece of evidence is highly disturbing:
Yet another Asparagus weapon! And this time…it’s an Asparagus Powered Ray Gun.
Yes folks, a ray gun powered by Asparagus that just screams sinister, devious,
and evil. Does it really run on asparagus? Or is it run by Asparagus?!
Because who would suspect innocent-looking vegetables taking trips one by one
to Kreludor and the Space Station? Hiding out. Building their plans, and along
with that, their giant ray gun. Said giant ray gun will soon be aimed at Neopia,
and will turn every Neopet and their owner into Asparagus slaves…forever.
While pets fight in the Battledome with this item, they slowly buy more and
more Asparagus to fuel it. Asparagus is creeping into every Neohome. Every shop.
Every lot in the Trading Post. Even the Meepits (like they’d help us anyway)
will be powerless to stop it.
I won’t even say anything about the possibility of the Asparagus creating Asparagus
Meepits. Then we’d all be doomed and might as well surrender to become vegetable
worshipping, brainwashed slaves.
So Neopians, beware! If you see a shop advertising Asparagus—don’t go in! Do
not walk in farm fields alone. Never enter Fyora’s private gardens without a
flamethrower of some sort—or another weapon with a 2 in a million chance of
working against these dastardly vegetables.
It’s all a conspiracy. The Asparagus Conspiracy.
Author’s Note: If you’re reading this, it means I’ve gotten into the NT
for the first time! I’d say getting attacked by several Mutant Chias and falling
into a Meepit hole was worth it… wouldn’t you?