20 Valentine's Gifts of Not-So-Ultimate Doom

Pluto: Smell what? Your collection of socks? Phew!

Puppy: No, of course not! I meant, can you smell the love?

*Pluto edges away*

*Puppy smacks forehead* No, that’s not what I meant!

Pluto: Then what did you mean?

Puppy: Valentine’s day is coming!

Pluto: Yes! You’re right! Now, what to get...

Puppy: Eek, do you remember what happened last year when you went Valentine’s shopping? This might be a good time to warn some Neopian Times readers about what not to give their valentines this year!

Pluto: But it’s so funny to see what stupid items other Neopians buy for Valentine’s Day! *sigh* Ah well, I guess we could write a little article.

1. The gift shop is a great place to get gifts for your valentines, but you should always check your merchandise before buying it. I don’t think you’d flatter your valentine if you gave them a broken bottle of love.

2. Everyone loves flowers! However, I do not think you’ll make a very good statement if you buy and give your valentine wilted flowers. Unless, of course, they live in the Haunted Woods and are into that kind of decoration.

3. Some cheap pets like to just go through their inventories and give whatever random junk is sitting around. This is not recommended. One of the most common junk items to give is shoes. And this is a great idea! However, I doubt your valentine would wear the shoes you give them if they’re rotten and from Underwater Fishing in Maraqua.

4. Candy is always a popular option. When choosing what candy to buy, you have so many options! One of the less popular choices for the receiver is the Hairy Grarrl Gobstopper. It’s a little hairy for most tastes.

5. Boxes of year-old chocolates aren’t too popular either.

6. Yikes, and make sure that those lollipops you gave them weren’t used...

7. Pluto: I know! I finally thought of what to get!

Puppy: What?

Pluto: I can get a fire paint brush!

Puppy: Err... doesn’t your valentine live in Maraqua?

Pluto: ...Yes.

8. Nearly everyone loves the cuddly companions known as petpets, but there are a few things you should remember when selecting one to give to your valentine. Dung petpets tend not to smell the freshest, especially when they’re outside in the rain.

9. Flying petpets also aren’t a good idea, especially if you plan to keep them outside. You may go looking for them the next day, only to find that Flyer the Magaral has flown away, never to be seen again!

10. Aquatic petpets are best when they come in water. No one likes dehydrated aquatic petpets! Ooh, and especially beware of shark petpets, with or without water. They bite.

Pluto: But of course we don’t know these things from experience!

11. Remember: just because your neopet is invisible does not mean that the valentine you give them should be invisible too! Besides, they’re so easily lost...

12. Pluto: While I’m at it, don’t give them invisible paint brushes either.

13. If your valentine happens to be a Kiko ninja, you must be very careful when selecting gifts. The wrong item and you may anger them greatly! One item you definitely shouldn’t get them is a Scarblade costume. Not only does it look absolutely ridiculous, but pirates are enemies of the ninjas!

14. For pets that are handy in the kitchen, making baked treats for your valentine is a great idea! Always check the ingredients though. If you made a goof earlier in the week and accidentally picked up a bag of Chia flour, you may have a problem. We may not be psychic, but we can see you being angrily chased by a Yellow Chia (who used to be your valentine!) if you serve a cake made with Chia flour!

15. Okay, so that list doesn’t leave you with many options as far as items go, so here’s another option! Using your artistic talent (provided that you actually have some artistic talent), lovingly handcraft your valentine their very own card to cherish and keep forever!

*Pluto snorts in background* Like that didn’t sound cheesy!

One rule when making cards is that you should probably let the glue dry before giving it away.

16. And unless your valentine is a Halloween neopet, cards in black and orange probably aren’t the best either.

17. Eek, you might also want to remember that heart shapes are probably also better than Sloth shapes for cards, unless your valentine happens to be an evil villain! In which case, we suggest you find a new valentine.

18. Pluto: Wow, this reminds me a lot about a few years ago! I gave–or at least tried to give–my valentine an invisible card... they didn’t like it! *sniff* I mean, it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

Puppy: And that’s another thing to avoid. Add that to our list. While I’m at it, what is it with you and trying to give invisible items?!

Pluto: What do you mean? By the way, would you like a piece of this delicious invisible cake?

19. Don’t write in chatspeak on your valentines.

Puppy: Why not?

Pluto: c|_|2 w3 m1t3 |\|0t |\|o \|\/ut Ur say1ng

Puppy: ...What?!

Pluto: Point proven. Your valentine might not know what you’re trying to say!

20. So, after reading this list, what does it leave? Err... hate to break it to you but not a whole lot. Unless you wish to spend hours stumbling through store after store in search of an item that won’t offend your valentine or you have the patience to draw, color, cut-out, and mail a homemade Valentine’s card, we suggest the following option. Instead of spending hours doing those things, you can spend hours writing a sappy Valentine’s poem! Even if you’ve got no writing talent whatsoever, you can just write random lines and say that they’re supposed to be similes! ...Just make sure you don’t compare your valentine to that pile of dung you found while berry picking, no matter how much you may love your dung collection.

Puppy: So there you have it, a list of twenty items that you shouldn’t give on Valentine’s Day.

Pluto: You know, I could have found this article helpful in past years...