There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 113,598,787 Issue: 227 | 10th day of Awakening, Y8
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Wanted: 1 EVIL Valentine!

by comput6712


Hellooo there puny, average, ugly Neopian! I, Dr. Frank Sloth, am on a quest to find the purrrfect valentine this year. Now, I don’t want to come off looking like I’m desperate. I’m not. It’s just that I need someone like YOU to come with me to the annual Valentines Ball this year... last year was a HORRENDOUS experience. You ask why? Well, when you go to THE social event of the year with your mother... I’ll leave the rest for you to figure out.

Anyway, as I was saying, I need someone else to come to the ball with me this year. What will you get out of it? Why, I should think the mere chance of spending the most romantic evening of the year with me would be quite a reward in itself... but if you insist on other benefits, well, let’s just say that this ball is very exclusive. VERY exclusive. It took me quite a bit of neopoints and even a little bit of threatening with my slime catapult in order to gain entrance to it this year. You can probably see why I don’t want to mess up this night again by bringing my mother. *furtive look* - ahem... that didn’t come from me.

So I decided to take my dilemma to the wonderful *wink* Snowflake this year and she suggested that I put out an ad about ... my problem. *begs Snowflake to go to the ball with him* *Snowflake runs away and hides behind her army of white weewoos*

WELL, the MANNERS of some people... geez... alright, as I was saying, I decided to make an ad. And so, I have come up with the following questions to help me determine which one of YOU I shall take to the annual ball. The scoring is at the bottom and I would like to think that everything’s pretty straight forward. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to have a rainbow pencil and a notepad on hand either...

Let’s move onto the questions now.

1) If you were given a splime ball, you would:

a) pelt an innocent petpet with it

b) splat it onto your nemesis (or someone you really dislike if you don’t have one)

c) do a scientific experiment with it and discover what splime really is

d) eat it

2) If you could control the whole of Neopia, you would first:

a) Hoard all the Bat Cookies and eat them in front of people who want some!

b) Declare war on... pets that you deem ugly!

c) Give out neopoints to all the mutant Grundos!

d) Buy out the Neopian Times and rename it to the Slothian Times!

3) If you had a sharp carrot, you would:

a) Poke a Cybunny’s stomach with it

b) Plant it so you can grow more sharp carrots!

c) Use it as ammunition for your latest exploit

d) Give it to the Soup Kitchen...

4) If neoschool ever starts, you would take:

a) CALCULUS! – who wouldn’t? It sounds cool and it’s over two syllables!

b) Family Studies – learning how to better the relationship between two siblings is the best thing there is!

c) Potions – ehehe, who doesn’t like a little transmogrification now and then?

d) Art – you need to come up with a spiffy design for your latest killer blaster

5) You are cold, hungry, and homeless (not long now *wicked grin*); you decide to:

a) Get a job at the Employment Agency

b) Plot a robbery at the Neopian Bank

c) Join the Pant Devil and steal ... what else?! PANTS! MUHAHAHAHA!

d) Ask the Soup Faerie for some Juppie Soup

6) Lord Darigan has decided that he wants to take over Faerieland; you want to:

a) Help him! DUH... that’s what all the cool pets are doing...

b) Call him crazy and throw magical turnips at him

c) Who cares? All the do-gooders of Neopia are bound to stop him sooner or later

d) Take advantage of the confusion and break into the Secret Faerie Tower and steal all the rare stuff!

7) You have been asked to write an article for the NT; you decide to base it on:

a) Your own life story... what could be more exciting than that?

b) ME! (Frank Sloth) ‘cause we all know everyone simply adores me!

c) Your favorite faerie... the little imps with wings really get to you.

d) Guilds... ’nuff said

8) Your mom wants to go to a social event with you, so you tell her that:

a) The social event is only for spiffy people... (beware, though; you might get smacked)

b) You are allergic to her perfume... so you can only go by yourself

c) You will be delighted to bring her there... (and ruin whatever miniscule reputation you had)

d) The event might pose a mortal danger to her, and so for her benefit, she should be kept away. Far FAR away.


Remember to write this down and no cheating!

1) a) 3 b) 4 c) 1 d) 2

2) a) 2 b) 3 c) 1 d) 4

3) a) 3 b) 2 c) 4 d) 1

4) a) 2 b) 1 c) 4 d) 3

5) a) 1 b) 3 c) 4 d) 2

6) a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 d) 4

7) a) 3 b) 4 c) 2 d) 1

8) a) 3 b) 2 c) 1 d) 4


Now, remember it’s okay if you don’t turn out to be my valentine... it just means that you’ll be missing out on THE social event of the year!!! Ahahahahaha! (I know I’m evil... it just makes me feel all good, if you will, inside :D)

8 – 13

*peers at you* ... well, you seem to be walking on the wrong side of the road... all you want to do is... good ... ugh, I hate that word. You probably already know that I won’t be taking YOU to the dance. If I did, it would probably be worse than taking my mother! I can just see it now... you’ll want to help everyone there, even the stupid ugly pets. >_> So let’s just forget about the survey? Alright? And SCRAM before I decide to blast you with my MEGA dung blaster!

14 – 19

Now what would be a good word to describe you? *contemplates* well, let’s see... how about DULL. Boring. Why would I even want to bring along someone who can’t come up with a World Domination plan involving carrots? Later. *slams door in your face*

[A few seconds later, Sloth comes out looking embarrassed]

Mother *angry look* told me to uh, come out here and uh, apologize for my appalling behaviour just now... sorry... but still... I’m not taking you to the Ball... you’re just not evil enough.

*Frankie closes the door a little softer this time*

20 – 25

Now, we’re getting somewhere! But unfortunately, your type of evil is nowhere near the type I’m looking for. Sorry, but someone’s gotta say it. Maybe if you *cough* worshipped me more, I might have considered... but now, it’s just too late. See ya sucker. I’ll be thinking of you not at the exclusive ball. *smirk*

26 – 31

You’re getting pretty evil, and you know what? I like that. Unfortunately, you still need to figure out some things about being evil and get your priorities straight. Remember, it’s all about ME. Yes, Dr. Frank Sloth? You got that? Good. Hey, maybe you can accompany my mother to the Ball... she still doesn’t know I’m not taking her yet... hey, YEAH! Heh, no more nagging...


VOILA! YOU are PERFECT! We share basically the same interests, and wow! You are a true Sloth follower! That’s just what I’m looking for... *offers you his mutated arm* What are you waiting for? Let’s get to the Ball *blows raspberry at Snowflake* Heh, who needs YOU anymore?

The grand finale

[enter Frankie’s mum]

Well, that boy is sure gonna get it when he comes home tonight. No more splime balls for a month; I always thought he was a good boy, but tonight, he proved me wrong. To think, he would choose to go to a Valentines Ball without yours truly. Who’s gonna make sure he eats all his caramalised beans tonight, huh? Or his green tea tablets? I tell you, that boy’s gonna be in trouble one day, and who will he run to? ME, that's who...

And talk about bad manners. He didn’t even wave goodbye... *she continues to rant*

*you quietly slip away*

Author’s note: This was just for pure entertainment. I take no responsibility for what Frankie *cough* I mean, Dr. Frank Sloth said. Oh, and before I forget, Happy Valentines everyone ^^

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