Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 113,598,787 Issue: 227 | 10th day of Awakening, Y8
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Fun at the Neolodge


by mystery_island111223

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As the sun set over the Neopian hills I sighed. Soon I would be on a Whinny galloping along the Meridellian plains. Tasting exotic foods. And enjoying the great outdoors. I turned to my four neopets. They would be stuck at the neolodge.

      "Are you sure you don't want to go?" I asked them. "I don't want you to think I'm going on a vacation to get away from you!"

      "MI," my Christmas Bori, Apoc began. "I am going to explain this in terms an idiot could understand. WE are going on a vacation to get away from you. Meridell's food is gross, King Skarl still hates you for telling him that joke about how fat he is, and their hotel is downwind of the Rubbish Dump!"

      "I don't get it!" I said.

      "Just don't worry about us!" My blue Koi named Jay flashed a smile. "We'll be fine, you just worry about staying away from Meridell castle. I don't think the guards have forgotten you!"

      We walked up to a huge building with a fountain in front of it. Above the door was a huge N. I assumed we were at the Neolodge.

      We walked up to the front desk. At the desk was an angry looking red Tonu.

      "Hello!" I said. "I'd like to book my pets in The Royal Neopian. This is Jay, my blue Koi. Apoc, my Christmas Bori. Min, my yellow Tonu. And ApocClone, my white Grarrl.

      "Firstly," the Tonu began. "I can plainly see the colours of your pets. Secondly, I really don't care about their names, or for that matter their likes, dislikes or severe allergies!"

      "Now then!" he said, smiling this time. "Any questions?"

      "I have a question!" Apoc raised his paw. "We're staying in a royal hotel. But my owner just paid 800np for a week here! I was wondering, are you lying to us, or are you just stupid?"

      "Now Apoc," I began, pulling him away from the Tonu, who made an attempt to grab him. "This Tonu is being a nice person!"

      "So it's nice of him to allow himself to be ripped off? Just like that guy who goes around giving away his paint brushes when he could sell them for millions?"

      "Ummm yes, just like that!" I said.

      "So he is just stupid!"

      At that moment the Tonu grabbed Apoc and began muttering something to him about when his idiotic owner left. I wondered what he meant by that.

      I handed the Tonu some neopoints and left. He turned to the four pets. At that moment a young Kyrii came up. She pushed them away from the Tonu.

      "Don't mind my boss, Mr. Malon; he's had a bad day!" She gestured at the Tonu, who was yelling things at Apoc. "My name's Jennifer and I work here. You're Jay, Apoc, Min and ApocClone, right?"

      Apoc whispered something to Min.

      "What's that?" asked Jennifer. "Rule number one at the neolodge is no secrets! If you can tell something to Min you can tell it to everyone here!"

      "Alright!" said Apoc. "I think you're very attractive!"

      Jennifer paused.

      "Allow me to present rule number two. There are no rules! Yay!" Jennifer grinned.

      "Does that rule apply to Apoc?" asked Jay. "Because Defenders of Neopia has a few rules laid out for him. Like, he can't go to the Battledome anymore!"

      Jennifer laughed. She was pretty sure he was joking.

      Jennifer showed the pets their rooms, and then began taking them on a tour of the lodge. She stopped at a huge set of double doors.

      "Here's something I know you'll like!" She turned to Jay. "The pool!"

      Jennifer pushed the doors open to reveal a huge pool. Jetsams, Flotsams, Kikos, even a few Koi were swimming happily. Jennifer turned to Jay.

      "What do you think?" she asked. "Now you can breathe, because you'll be underwater!"

      "One problem!" said Jay, rolling his eyes. "For the past twenty minutes I've been walking around with you. We've been on land the whole time!"

      "Really?" said Jennifer. She stared at the pets. They stared back. She could tell they wanted to laugh.

      So she grabbed Jay and threw him into the pool. He swam up and began to head towards them, but Jennifer shut the door.

      "Who wants to see our burger bar?" she asked. ApocClone and Min cheered.

      Jennifer walked down a flight of stairs. She opened a door. ApocClone gasped.

      "This is our burger bar!" said Jennifer.

      "Does it have vegetarian food?" asked Apoc.

      "You wish, we serve real food!" Jennifer grinned.

      She turned to ApocClone, unaware that behind her Min was trying to prevent Apoc from firing a Grand Lightning Beam at her. "And how do you like it?" she asked ApocClone.

      "I love it!" said ApocClone. "A Grarrl's stomach can eat anything!"

      "That's good!" said Jennifer.

      Before ApocClone could decipher the meaning of what she had said, she pushed him up to a table, handed the waiter 2000np and said to give him all he could eat.

      Closing the door Jennifer turned to the two remaining pets. She turned to Min.

      "And what would you like?" she asked. "We have a fitness room, a restaurant, what would a big strong Tonu like you like?"

      Apoc giggled and whispered something to Min. Min frowned.

      "Apoc what did you just-no wait don't tell me. So Min, where do you want to go?"

      "There!" said Min. He pointed to the grooming parlour.

      "There!?" cried Jennifer. "That's pathetic! You little weakling!"

      "I like to get my mane fluffed!" retorted Min.

      "Oh really!?" laughed Jennifer. "I bet you're really popular at Neoschool! What are you doing?"

      "Me?" said Min. "I'm filling out a hotel survey. Let's see how should I rate the staff?"

      Jennifer snatched the paper away from Min.

      "So," she grinned. "You want to see our grooming parlour?"

      "If you don't mind!" said Min.

      Jennifer showed him in, then shut that door.

      "So!" said Apoc. "What do you recommend for me?"

      "You?" said Jennifer. "I recommend extensive therapy and a bunch of rope to tie you up in! But our hotel doesn't offer that, so I'm just going to show you to your room!"

      "No fair!" cried Apoc. "Everyone else got to go somewhere they liked!"

      "Fine!" groaned Jennifer. "Where do you want to go?"

      "Nowhere special!" said Apoc. "Just your restaurant!"

      "Really?" said Jennifer with a sigh of relief. "That's the only place you want to go?"

      "Yep!" said Apoc. "You can pay for it, right?"

      "That's it!!!" screamed Jennifer. "I've had enough out of you!" She whipped out a Blue Frost Cannon and fired, just barely missing Apoc. He ran off.

      Meanwhile Jay was busy swimming around very fast in a circle to see if he could create a whirlpool. He was approached by a Jetsam and two Kikos.

      "Oh hello!"said Jay, blushing. "I was just...."

      "I don't really care!" said the Jetsam. "I'm Fred. These are my friends, Bob and Mark. Who are you?"

      "I'm Jay!" said Jay. "But that's short for Junglecat42781! But since I became a Koi I've just gone with Jay!"

      "Interesting!" said Fred with a big phony grin. "So what's that?" He pointed to the Pearly Koi Wand Jay was holding.

      "This? Oh it's a present my owner got me for reaching a fishing level of 30!" Jay stared at the aquatic pets. "What?"

      "You mean at the Underwater Fishing Cavern?" asked Fred. He began swimming closer.

      "Yeah, so what?" asked Jay. "Oh! Well, I don't eat what I catch; mostly one of my brothers does, but..." He trailed off and grinned. "Let's start over! Hi!"

      The pets drew closer.

      Jay screamed.

      Meanwhile ApocClone was having a much better time then his brother. He had eaten fourteen burgers, each more unique then the last. He snapped his claws. His waiter came running.

      "Don't you think you've had enough?" asked the waiter, a blue Nimmo named Chris.

      "The sign says all you can eat!" ApocClone sighed. "How many times must I explain to you? You have an 'all you can eat' buffet. And I have not had all I can eat!!"

      "Very well!" moaned Chris, wondering what his boss would say about this. "What would you like?"

      "I dunno," said ApocClone. "Just bring me whatever burger you can make quickest!"

      Chris stomped into the kitchen and called to the Lenny chef.

      "What burgers do we have?"

      The Lenny gulped and headed over.

      "Do you mean to tell me that stupid Grarrl isn't full yet? He'll destroy our already minuscule profit!" The Lenny looked at Chris desperately.

      "According to him he's only full up, and until he's bloated we have to keep piling it on! You know our policy!" Chris sighed. "So what do you have?"

      The Lenny wrapped up a Chokato Burger and gave it to Chris, mumbling about how they should seriously reconsider their policy.

      Chris headed back to ApocClone and placed the Chokato Burger on the table.

      "Here!" said Chris. "Enjoy, and don't come back!"

      "Well there goes his tip!" muttered ApocClone. As he bit into the burger and swallowed he choked. He fell down and began gagging. Chris stepped back. He suddenly noticed a small band on ApocClone's wrist. He recognised it as a medical band. The hospital put them on to inform people of severe allergies a pet could have. Chris looked at it and to his horror noticed one word scrawled on the band. Chokato.

      ApocClone blinked. He began muttering random things and was apparently talking to a flying Snorkle.

      "ApocClone? You okay?" Chris stared at him, hoping that his boss wouldn't find out. ApocClone jumped up.

      "Free the Moehogs!!!" he cried, then collapsed once more. Chris stepped back. This was a mistake.

      ApocClone jumped up once more and ran out screaming about how scary Chias were when you gave them orange juice. Chris groaned and followed.

      Meanwhile Min was faring slightly better.

      He was in a large bathtub, brimming with bubbles. He had at one point tried to pop them but now lay back to accept them. Three Usuls were combing his mane.

      Min blew bubbles in the water then spat them out. The soapy water tasted horrible. He sat up and turned to the Usuls.

      "Do any of you have some Strong Mints?" He smiled at them.

      "Sorry sweetie, no. But you might be able to get some in the lobby later!" The Usuls went back to his hair. Min dozed off.

      He woke up to an Usul poking him.

      "We're done!" said the Usul. She handed him a Red Mirror. "Take a look!"

      Min looked into the mirror and screamed. The Usuls had given him a perm.

      Min's first thought was what his brothers would say. Then what the pets at Neoschool would say. So he did the only natural thing. He grabbed a pair of Kyrii Hair Scissors and began hacking away.

      As piece after piece of curly yellow hair fell away Min suddenly realised that the Usuls could always straighten his hair again. But they couldn't make it grow back. He slowly lifted the mirror again.

      He screamed so loud the glass mirror shattered.

      Meanwhile Apoc was the only one whose stay hadn't begun pleasantly and did not end well. His stay was lousy right from the start. He had just outrun Jennifer and was pausing to catch his breath when Mr. Malon came upon him.

      "What are you doing here?" asked the Tonu. "You should be in your room. What's your name anyway?"

      "Apoc!" said Apoc.

      "Wait a minute!" The Tonu turned angrily. "I know you! My wife teaches you! You're a wimpy little Bori who wants to take over the world!" He reached for Apoc.

      Apoc was grabbed by his tail and was hung upside down.

      "Wait'll I tell my wife, she's been wanting to get back at you for a long time!" Mr. Malon dragged Apoc down the hall, Apoc scraping his claws against the wood floor.

      Mr. Malon stopped.

      "Stop that!" he said. "That wood is expensive!" At that moment he let go of Apoc, who bolted away. Mr. Malon ran after him.

      Apoc hid in a supply closet. Mr. Malon began banging against it. Apoc panted. He would have to dig his way out.

      Meanwhile I was deep in the heart of Meridell being chased by some Draik guards, who were very angry about me violating a certain restraining order involving King Skarl. As I hid I heard two Ixi talking about a commotion at the Neolodge. I groaned. I knew where this was going.

      I gave the guards the slip and ran off to Neopia Central. Within ten minutes I was standing in front of the Neolodge. I ran into the lobby and screamed at the sight in front of me.

      Jay was running towards me. Behind him was a mob of aquatic pets chanting and waving tridents. ApocClone was wielding a Pyramid Mace and chanting something about Snorkles. Min was running towards me screeching so loudly glass was shattering everywhere. People were ducking. Just as I braced myself for the impact the ceiling cracked. Down fell Apoc, and a supply closet. Coincidentally they all hit at the same time.

      We fought for a while until the pets tired, Min dropped the mirror, ApocClone collapsed again and somebody pushed the supply closet off my leg. I gasped for breath. This was insane.

      "What are you doing!?!" I screamed. "You destroyed the Neolodge!!!"

      "Well," Min began, and each began telling their own story, with the exception of ApocClone, who merely drooled a bit.

      "Enough!" I cried. "You know what, I don't care! I just have one question!"

      They were silent.

      "Did you guys learn something? Was there any reason to justify your adventures at all?"

      "Well," Jay began. "I guess I learned not to anger Jetsams!"

      "I learned that Snorkles fly over rainbows on Tuesday!" said ApocClone, who had just woken up.

      "I learned that I look cool with a mohawk!" said Min.

      "I learned not to give my real name to angry people!" said Apoc.

      "And I learned that I can't leave you four alone for half an hour without supervision!" I cried triumphantly. "Now that we've learned such valuable lessons where should we go?"

      "The Neopian hospital!" cried Jay.

      "Exactly!" I said. "Can one of you carry me?"

The End

 
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