Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 111,611,307 Issue: 221 | 22nd day of Celebrating, Y7
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Coming Down Your Chimney


by puppy200010

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Everywhere, families are seen together. All hearts are filled with joy. Peace fills the air.

Random pet: Hold on, you are trying to describe Christmas, right?

Uh, well, of course! Isn't my description exactly what you think of when someone mentions Christmas?

...

    ...

Err, you don't think so?

*random pet rolls eyes*

Okay, okay, so that's not exactly what today's selfish, youthful pets *glares* think about the only holiday of the year that can be spelled starting with an x: X-mas. Not W-mas, Y-mas, Z-mas, but--

"Get on with it!"

What most young pets really care about around Christmas is the gifts! The presents! The stuff! The--

Random pet: I am sooo not getting you a thesaurus for Christmas this year!

Well, by now, you probably think that this article will be solely about gifts. Wrong! (Pfft, why would you have thought that?) Almost as important as presents at Christmastime is the pet that brings them--Santa! Every pet, at some point in their life, dreams of catching St. Nick in the act at midnight on Christmas Eve. Now, as any good, well-behaved pet knows, you should sleep all night and not bother Santa while he's working...

*random pet mumbles* Goody two-shoes!

...but the author of this article is a bad influence and is going to tell you how to do it anyway! Pfft, who cares if this might land you on the naughty list for years to come?

Warning: Proceeding to read and act upon the statements and directions made further in this article could cause you to be put on the naughty list for years to come, and for your information, yes, you should care! If you decide to ignore this warning, I hope you at least like coal!

Okay, you article reader, you! Now, keep the warning in mind, but it's time to contrive a plan to sneak out of bed on Christmas Eve to see Santa. The first thing you must do is clear a path through the middle of your room. You wouldn't want to trip over anything in the middle of the night and alert or awaken anybody, would you? So clear away the dirty clothes, the papers, the books, and the food wrappers with who knows what on them out of the center of your room and deposit them elsewhere. Hmm, you know what? That disgusting junk actually might just be the perfect thing to give that teacher you hate! After all, 'tis the season for giving!

By now, if your owner has noticed you cleaning your room, they're probably getting pretty suspicious. The next thing you should do is to check on the lock on your bedroom door. Make sure that it won't lock from the outside. There's nothing like setting up this whole scheme and going through all these steps, just to find yourself locked in your room at that crucial moment. Don't let your owner catch you checking out that lock, though, or they really will be suspicious of your actions.

Next, go to the store and buy some ingredients and possibly a cookbook. Don't forget the milk, either. Why are you giving me such a strange look? We need to bake some cookies so you'll attract Santa. Just follow the recipe in the book. Making the cookies is the easy part; the hard part will be trying to decide what kind of cookies to make! Chocolate chip? Walnut or oatmeal? For a different flavor, some grackle bug cookies? Walnut oatmeal chocolate chip grackle bug cookies? Or just some of each? Decisions, decisions! Now, you just mix up the batter, and put them in the oven--yuck, what's the smell? Ack, the cookies are burnt! Maybe you should have been paying more attention to them, rather than reading and paying so much attention to this article!

All right, so your room is cleaned, you've found a gift for your despised teacher, the lock on your door has been checked out, and you've baked cookies. Now what? Well, I hate to say it, but you'll just have to sit around and wait a few days until Christmas Eve comes! (Don't let those cookies go stale, though. Maybe you should have made them closer to Christmas. You shouldn't have to worry about your family eating them, at least, because they smell and look so bad that your family members probably wouldn't touch them with a ten yard stick!)

Finally, Christmas Eve will arrive. Now you must make preparations for Santa. Clear your path in your room again, if necessary, and hide that angry letter that your teacher sent you for sending her garbage for Christmas. Make sure to check the lock on your door again too, in case your owner installed a new one out of suspicion about your newfound jolly and peaceful appearance. Just before you go to bed, put out the fire in the fireplace if there is one (Santa probably would not be appreciative if he got toasted on his way down the chimney). Set out several of your cookies on a plate, along with a glass of milk. Though I can't say that I would particularly want to drink a glass of milk that had been sitting out for several hours, nor would I want to eat hard-as-a-rock cookies made by some random young pet.

Now, fake a yawn and say you're going to bed, but don't fall asleep! You've got to stay alert and awake, so don't... zzz...

Huh, what? What was that?! Oh, it was just sleigh bells. Hold on, sleigh bells? Well, it would seem that it is time for action! Push down the covers, tiptoe across your room, and quietly--

BANG!!!

I said, quietly! Now, you must silently walk to wherever it was that you set your cookies. You're almost there! Crouch behind that couch, so he won't see you.

"Ugh, what lazy excuse for a baker made these crappy cookies?"

You must restrain yourself! Don't answer him! Look, he's pulling presents out of his sack! Now he's going back up the chimney... Go over and read the packages. Was one of them for you?

Here's one: To Puppy. Open it! See what it is! It's... it's...

...a lump of coal and a note.

Dear Puppy,

Shouldn't you be in bed and sleeping? How dare you tell all these innocent young pets to sneak out and spy on me! You're on the naughty list for years to come!

-Santa

Oh well, at least I warned you! Now, what to do with this coal?

Author's note: Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone who reads this article!

 
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