Food Club: an Allergies Analogy
KRAWK ISLAND - What are these "allergies" that affect certain Pirates? Why does
each hinder some pirates more than others? And why do some Pirates still win at
Food Club despite being allergic to several of the courses? Below I shall explain,
confuse and mystify myself, as well as anyone else who reads the rest of the article,
(You got this far, why stop now?) in a pirate-by-pirate guide...
Scurvy Dan the Blade, or Scurvy, or Dan (or even SDtB to some people), is allergic
to... Candy. Perhaps it is not even an allergy. Candy doesn't seem to bother
him too much, as his record shows, so there must be another explanation. Candy,
a quick source of energy, can have a negative effect on Blumaroos due to the
extra "bounce" it gives them. Scurvy in particular finds it hard to stay still
when he eats his Candy courses, so he prefers to save them until the end.
Young Sproggie, the youngest competitor in the Food Club arena, is allergic
to Gross Foods. At his young age, he has not learned to tolerate foods that
nobody else eats for fun. (Brussels Sprouts, anyone? I didn't think so...) Maybe
in a few years, he will grow into a formidable opponent.
Orvinn the First Mate, the couch sea-potato, likes his junk food. So much so,
in fact, that a nice bit of Fruit suddenly sends him into a panic. The Bubbling
Blueberry Pizza is his least favourite course, only because he doesn't understand
why anyone would put Fruit on a Pizza...
Lucky McKyriggan, a fan of Gross Foods, has an extreme dislike of Pizza. Luckily(?)
for him, two of the Pizza courses are also Gross Foods. But trying to pick up
a slice of Pizza without any fingers is a skill he has yet to master.
Sir Edmund Ogletree is badly affected by breads, pastries and pancakes. A stack
of Hot Cakes or a Bacon Muffin is apparently food for the lower classes of pirates.
Peg Leg Percival, an Elephante, is understandably allergic to Smoothies. Getting
lumps of unsmoothified fruit stuck in your trunk is a big disadvantage, although
sneezing it out on a competitor can sometimes come in handy, especially if they
don't like what has now become Gross Food...
Bonnie Pip Culford is one of the few true allergies. Spicy Foods wreak havoc
on his digestive system and can dent his performance for days.
Puffo the Waister, of the larger Kacheek variety, seems to be missing a few
(several) teeth. He likes to savour Candy, and drink Smoothies and Slushies,
but he doesn't like to spend much time chewing his food, hence Meats put up
the biggest challenge for him. Maybe some false teeth might come in handy...
Stuff-A-Roo is allergic to Neggs. His jaw is more adapted to flatter foods,
like Pizza, rather than the much rounder Neggs.
Squire Venable claims to be allergic to Fruit, but he does not even turn up
to the competition on a regular basis, often disappearing for weeks at a time.
(Maybe the allure of foreign Fruit takes him on his travels?)
Captain Crossblades is a Bruce who is sick of eating seafood. His parents never
fed him anything else, so anything remotely Salty just brings up bad memories
(and sometimes his lunch, too.)
Ol' Stripey has a problem with anything starchy, that is, Breads and related
foodstuffs. His saliva glands aren't what they used to be, so breaking down
those heavy foods is much more difficult.
Ned the Skipper is lactose intolerant and struggles when it comes to Dairy
products. A typical Grarrl, he is a fan of Meats, but don't add cheese to his
burger unless you are ready for a fight.
Fairfax the Deckhand, like Captain Crossblades, suffers when it comes to Salty
Foods. He is very health-conscious, so Fruits and Vegetables are fine, but that
extra salt disagrees with him both mentally and physically.
Gooblah the Grarrl, (just in case there was any doubt as to what species he
was,) will eat ANYTHING. Although Slushies can affect his temperature-sensitive
teeth, he gets round his problem by swallowing the Slushie whole in its container.
If only his sharp teeth didn't pierce the Slushie container as often as it does,
he would be unbeatable.
Although Franchisco is allergic to Candy, and Federismo is allergic to Smoothies,
the Corvallio Brothers suffer most from their sibling rivalry. In a bid to outdo
each other, they sometimes forget about the competition and the foods, opting
for a swordfight instead.
Admiral Blackbeard, a bearded Chomby, is allergic to Dairy products due to
his sheer size. By the time any Dairy product has made it to his digestive system,
it has normally gone off. Unfortunately, by the time his allergy kicks in, he
is already competing in the following day's match.
Buck Cutlass (BC for short, but not to be confused with any other BCs) is a
Lupe with a sweet tooth. In fact, he will eat more than just any type of Candy
Chias, Chias as a whole take his fancy. The only problem he faces is that of
the Vegetable Chias; for some reason, the Asparagus Chia is his most despised
snack, and hence he has grown a strong dislike for anything Vegetable when he
competes in the Food Club.
Last, but not least, is The Tailhook Kid. Allergic to Neggs, possibly to do
with whatever it is that makes a negg a negg, he still plows on through, his
vast weight acting as a protection against allergies.
There are 20 competitors in Food Club; who knows when some Pirates will retire
to make room for some younger talents. Maybe even some new/updated Courses could
be considered? And what about a Food Club avatar, perhaps for guessing all five
arenas correctly? As you can see, subtlety is quite strong here. Or maybe TNT
are just allergic to updating some games...
Thanks to you all for taking the time to read this article (except you,
who just scrolled down to the bottom) and hopefully I will have more articles
on the way!