The Kadoatery Addiction Recovery Program
THE KADOATERY – Hello and welcome to this messy little place where the spoiled
petpets, aka Kadoaties (or just Kads)... erm... temporarily stay for a while.
As you can see, there are tons of excited owners with bags full of food awaiting
the arrival of new, hungry Kadoaties. But to be honest, I’m here for another purpose,
much like the title of this article suggests.
Yes, you guessed it. I’m here to help the soulless Kad-obsessed get away from
their little ‘addiction’ to feed the Kads, for the people who want to stop it
but can’t resist refreshing at the start of every minute or just ‘until that
main comes’. If you do not happen to be one of them, as the majority of Neopia
actually isn’t (sorry, but that’s the truth), then just relax and enjoy this
article (that is obviously not fully serious, of course).
And if you simply don’t know what the Kadoatery is... Well, then that’s just
depressing. A quick lesson on what the Kadoatery is will be taught with no charge
whatsoever if you just put that word into the nifty little search bar to the
right-hand side of the screen and pick a nice guide article written by those
addicted Kad-feeders. Or you can just walk right over to Neopia Central and
pop into the weird building with a cute little petpet sitting on top of it and
experience it for yourself.
Now that the boring task of explanations, disclaimers and other various legal
mumbo-jumbo has been taken care of, why don’t we get down to the purpose of
this article? To rescue those poor soulless feeders from this sad Kad-obsessesion.
But how do you know if you just happen to be one of those sad Kad-obessed poor
owners? (Note that this disease is listed in the secret, hidden section of almost-incurable
diseases in the Neopian Hospital.) Well, here’s a little list of symptoms. Read
it and check if you happen to be one of those poor owners.
List of Symptoms of the Sad, Kad-Obsessed Disease
1) Whenever you pop into Neo, you immediately rush to the Kadoatery to check
up on those little critters, even before you check the news.
2) You forget to do the dailies because you were too busy feeding Kads.
3) Your pets are nagging at you to get some good way of earning a living instead
of sitting there and spending all your NP on those spoiled petpets.
4) Your board visits are limited to one sole board known as the Kadoatery board
where you look for mains, minis, food lists etc.
5) Your inventory is stashed with tons of Kad-foods and only a couple of items
away from the maximum limit.
6) You spend almost all of your time in front of those little cages and have
begun using jargons such as ‘cf’, ‘glf’ etc.
7) ‘Pink’ is a magical word for you.
8) You’d rather feed a Kad than run around in shops and restocking.
9) Kad food is an overwhelming majority in your SDB.
10) You compile data on your accomplishments, such as writing down what Kads
were fed at which day, taking screenies, creating a food list etc.
11) You simply cannot stop thinking about the Kadoatery, and you even dream
of it in your sleep.
If some of those things are true for you... Let’s say more than 6 (which is
a bit more than half)... Well... then... congratulations! (Since this article
won’t be totally useless to you.) You have the Sad, Kad-Obsessed Disease. Just
watch out so you don’t infect all your poor fellows with it too.
Now, I’ll have to admit that this might not work for everyone, and it will
actually NOT (hear ye, hear ye!) work for anyone who doesn’t have any proper
morals. Since the recovery program (actually two) builds on whatever bits and
pieces of morals you have, I’ll just have to trust that you actually have any.
Let’s get started, shall we? For our first program, we’ll have a simple 3-step
program to help you forget about the Kads.
The Simple 3-Step Kad-Recovery Program
Step 1: Do not visit the Kadoatery. Stay home.
Step 2: Do not think about the poor, crying Kads that simply must have food.
Play with your neglected pets instead.
Step 3: Rinse and repeat for as long as it is required until you do not actually
automatically think about the Kadoatery and can resist the urge of running around
and feeding Kads.
Evaluation: This program is very simple and works quite well if you
just stick to it. Unfortunately, it might be hard to stick to if you happen
to have tons of Kadoatie-themed things around you, if not having equipped Kadoaties
to all of your pets. Then again, it’s not really a big deal if you just stash
every Kadoatie-related item into your SDB and give the key to that Skeith at
the National Neopian and tell him not to return it to you until you stop blubbering
about poor Kads.
And if that wasn’t good enough, here’s another, longer program for you people
who want more. The ‘I’ in the program refers to you, my dear reader, so please
try and apply this to yourself if you find that you have been diagnosed at the
Neopian Hospital with the awful symptoms of the Kad-obsessed disease. (Very
easy to catch!)
The 12-Step Kadoatery Addiction Recovery Program
Step 1: I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read the NT like I used
to, before I even think of rushing over to the Kadoatery.
Step 2: I will eat breakfast with my pets, at the table, instead of rushing
and snacking on hot dogs in front of the cages.
Step 3: I will make some NP before noon, besides feeding Kads.
Step 4: I will make an attempt to do all my dailies and plan rewarding activities
(not Kad-feeding!) before even thinking of the Kadoatery.
Step 5: I will sit down and neomail to those few friends who have still not
discovered the wonders of the Kadoatery.
Step 6: I will play with my pets instead of gluing my eyes to the poor Kads.
Step 7: I will read a book! (Author: Reading a book ALWAYS helps!)
Step 8: I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them
that I’m too busy for anything because I have to feed Kadoaties.
Step 9: I will not be tempted to leave the table during dinner to check if
that mini came.
Step 10: I will try and get out of the Kadoatery thrice a week and do some
Step 11: I will remember that the sad daily interest in my bank will not be
waiting for me tomorrow because I was too busy feeding Kads today.
Step 12: Last, but not least, I will remember that I have to go to bed sometime
and the Kadoatery will always be there tomorrow. (Unless it breaks down, which
is possible and has been known to happen. But it’ll always be there another
day, in any case!)
Evaluation: A very good program, similar to the first one, only it lists
nice things you can do. All those ‘will’s really give you a will to do something,
eh? In any case, try and do all the steps in order and soon you’ll find yourself
out of the Kad-obessed sad puddle. (Hopefully, I never did guarantee anything,
you know.) It might just get a tad bit repetitive with all those ‘I will’ but
since the morals are the same, just try and do the steps and you’ll see...
Well, that was it for the recovery program thing. I hope you enjoyed reading
it, and note that this article was written very unseriously by an unstable author
who was attempting to make something funny. And as for the obsessed Kad-feeders,
I’ll just have to salute you for your amazing patience to read so far, and shame
on you if you just scrolled down and past all those good pieces of advice! Oh,
and thanks for letting and helping a poor little author like me to get obsessed
too. As for the rest of you, please be well and enjoy your day.
Happy... err... non-Kad-feeding, everyone! *is assaulted by Blue Kadoatie Music
Boxes from obsessed feeders*