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Ruling the Universe


by extreme_fj0rd

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Dr. Sloth's secret repository, 21:05:39 NST-- Only one obstacle stands between me and the object of my desire. I step forward, crouch into a protective stance, and cautiously jab with my hand-- at a touchpad on the wall.

The metal door quietly accordions into the sleek, gleaming steel of the walls, and I sidle through it with not a moment to spare. It slides closed behind me, and I look around at the shelves and shelves of books that surround me. They are all the same color, the same size, the same shape, and they all have the same title printed on their spines in the same font.

"Ruling the Universe".

I creep cautiously over to the nearest shelf, slide out a book, and look at the front cover. It's a picture of Dr. Frank Sloth, larger than life. His greasy, green skin and three hairs... erm... whatever they are... are captured perfectly by the painter, but sadly he has also been transformed into a figure of heroic proportions.

In my professional opinion, that shows a lack of stability and a need to prove oneself better than those around you.

I flip the front cover open and glance at the reviewer comments. They're all signed "Grundo #495818190", except with different numbers, and each one says precisely the same thing: "This book is amazing. Buy it now. I have no complaints." I pull a small notebook out of my pocket and scribble down a quick note: "Good doctor slightly self-centered, possibly egotistical."

Well, enough of that. I flip the pages to the table of contents, but there's nothing of interest there. Sliding the book under my disco-patterned Kau arm, I trot quietly towards the exit.

I'm stopped by Dr. Sloth, who is holding a large ray gun rather inefficiently. He glares at me over it. "You're invading my secret library! This is the only place where I can truly be alone, by myself, be me!"

Oh yeah. Definitely a bit of an ego there.

"Erm," I say, thinking fast. "Um. I just wanted to get you to sign this," I invent. "All the rest of the time, the fangirls are all in the way."

Dr. Sloth glares at me. I grin back at him and offer my copy of Ruling the Universe.

Reluctantly, he snatches it from my hoof and turns away, taking a digital pen out of his pocket and scribbling on the front cover with it.

While he's distracted, I slide another copy off the nearest shelf, and then dart forward and snatch his ray gun.

"Hah-ha!" I shout, and, brandishing the ray gun at him, leap for the nearest exit.

I now sit ensconced in a metal airshaft--the traditional hiding space on a spaceship, I must admit--reading Dr. Frank Sloth's book. I will copy some parts of it out here in hopes that someone will find this if I am caught and further the knowledge of Neopia at large. And, of course, to perfect that dastardly smile, which is chapter one.

Chapter One: Perfecting That Dastardly Smile.

The dastardly smile is often the most complex part of ruling the universe, and thus before you attempt to hire any minions or complete any impossible tasks you must first master the smile. It must be perfectly careless and sunny, while still maintaining a general air of menace about your person. It's not so much the smile, after all--it's your attitude. You have to exude that "I am all-powerful. I will smite you if you do wrong" attitude to your followers--if you don't, your minions will revolt against you and believe me, that is really annoying.

So. Find yourself a mirror (or other reflective surface) and practice that smile! Try it at least three different times, with different styles. Mean and callous is one thing; sly and amused is quite another. You must know how to use both, and also how when--and in what situations--to use either.

In the interest of space, I will not write out the rest of the chapter, which is a lot of Kau dung about how Dr. Sloth is the best at dastardly smiles in the entire universe and therefore you should bow down to him--with many subliminal messages.

And so we proceed to chapter two, which is entitled thus:

Chapter Two: Hiring Minions

The most practiced minions are those who change jobs every once in a while, and change species and/or color when they do so--i.e., those who were pirates for Scarblade may have hired on with Jazan by this point. However, the fees for hiring such minions are very high, and as a result it is most likely more wise to hire just a few of these--as supervisors or officers. The rest of your work force you can enlist, usually from your legions of fangirls. If you happen to not have fangirls (I do, but then again, I am exceptionally handsome for a... whatever I am), then you may have to run an ad in the Neopian Times for a few weeks. If you offer them pay, many foolish Neopians will readily accept. Then, after paying them for the first few days, you can lock them into your spaceship/citadel and refuse to let them leave unless they pledge their loyalty to you and/or consent to be mutated with the ray gun that you have so brilliantly invented.

Last, and somewhat least, there is always the option of trying to go without minions. Razul is a classic example of this; he depends on no minions to wreak havoc where he himself can. However, unless you are several thousand years old and also on fire, you may wish to go on a more conventional route to universe domination--aka hiring minions.

The rest of the chapter is chock-full of ideas on how to capture and enslave your minions, which is extremely boring and technical unless (obviously!) you're some sort of evil genius.

Chapter Three: Planning Your Conquest

Obviously, the third most important step in world domination is a fail-safe plan. I myself am brilliant at making these up, but as others may not be so endowed with brains, I shall here write out the process for planning a hostile takeover of the universe.

Step One. Figure out your objectives. "Domination of the Universe" should be the top one on your list (unless it's Usuki dolls, which is a perfectly valid objective, I tell you! Perfectly valid! They thought otherwise, but when I have perfected my wonderous plan, I will triumph over all of them and they will see their wrongs! ...Right before I zap them into piles of SLUDGE!).

Step Two. Plan out how to take over the universe (or obtain Usuki dolls, whichever you think is more important). Important details would be the locations of key planets that you can take over to gain dominion over others, and the location of the nearest Usuki Shop on each of these.

Step Three. Find your mode of transportation. Will you have a fleet of spaceships at your control? If so, you need to find or build these (by which I mean, have your minions find/build them, obviously). If your transportation will be Eyrie Cabs to fly to the Usuki Shop, however, you will need to either brainwash a whole bunch of Eyries and/or somehow obtain a stash of Eyrie Morphing Potions that you can feed your unsuspecting minions so as to turn them into such.

Step Four. Execute your plan, by which I mean implement it.

There is more, but I think that one of the Grundos has figured out where the airshafts are; there's a horrible banging and clunking coming from the nearest air vent.

I will therefore end this narrative here and seal this notebook in a small envelope upon which is written my owner's name--extreme_fj0rd. If all goes well, some Grundo will come upon it and pick it up, and mail it off to her. And so, farewell from Yotaria, psychologist and bold adventurer extraordinare.

Note from extreme_fj0rd: This sequence must have been carried out, for I received the package three weeks before Yotaria herself arrived at my front doorstep. She is recovering nicely and asked that I submit this to the Neopian Times for her, that all of Neopia should know these things.

 
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