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Obsessed with Hannah


by exusmandragon

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Hannah the Usul: rags to riches Neopet, known for wandering muddy, wet caves filled with treasure, dynamite, water, and pirates. Well, you might not have seen a pirate, but she has; just read about her story in the Neopedia. But what if that’s not enough? Some die-hard Hannah fans are probably lurking out their, thinking ‘This doesn’t tell us anything about her except she found a shiny rock and tried to blow up her uncle. We don’t even know if she ever escaped.’ Well, fear not, dear Neopians. I have decided to conduct an interview with Hannah, and ask her some of the questions you are thinking.

Well, that was my plan. When asking around on Krawk Island, no one had seen the Usul for some time. Realizing that this could only mean one thing, I strapped on my Lucky Green Climbing Boots and headed straight to the Pirate Caves (via the gameroom, of course). After hours of searching through water, breaking wooden crates, dodging Pawkeets and Mirgles and Ghosts (Oh My!), and getting a snazzy new avatar, I finally found the girl in an underground river, drifting unconsciously with a tiny stream of bubbles coming from her nose. I quickly brought her above the water and dragged her to shore. She coughed up water and sat up immediately.

Hannah: *Hack* *Hack* *Cough* - Who are *Cough* you?

Me: I’m just your friendly Neopian Times Interviewer. Now I have some questions for you…

Hannah (Interrupting): Well, that’s good, but I really must go. I am in a huge hurry, after all. Treasure to get, you see. (She starts to leave)

Me: Wait, can’t I just ask you some questions? I did save your life after all.

Hannah: (She pauses to think) Oh, it can’t hurt too much. (She returns to where she was sitting on the ground) What do you want to know?

Me: First of all, why are you in such a hurry?

Hannah: Well, I’m going to be leaving the Pirate Caves soon, and heading off to the Ice Caves. I have no clue what to expect there, but I don’t think there will be quite so much treasure. That’s why I’m in a hurry: now that I’m leaving, I want to get as much gold as I can first.

Me: Haven’t you already gotten most of it?

Hannah (Laughing): Heavens, no! Pirates are coming here everyday, “hiding” their precious supplies.

Me: Okay, that makes some sense. Do you think that you will ever come back here after you head off to the Ice Caves?

Hannah: I don’t really know, but to be honest, I doubt it. I suspect that the Game Graveyard (Hannah shivers) will be getting a new addition then.

Me: Will you miss the pirate caves?

Hannah: Definitely not! I’m sick of these chambers. Sure, there is treasure everywhere, but there is also 8 ways to die. Want to hear them? Spikes, drowning …

Me (Interrupting): No, I don’t.

Hannah (Continuing): Dynamite, crushing, evil Petpets, ghouls, getting shot by arrows, and having so much gold you’re weighed down and can’t swim to the surface.

Me: Thanks for telling me, but doesn’t that last one count as drowning?

Hannah: Not really, it would be better to call it greed, and it happens far too often.

Me: Well thanks, I guess (Now I shiver). Moving on. In the Neopedia articles of you in the caves, you aren’t wearing any shoes, and neither were you while you were exploring, but at the ‘Better Than You’ challenge, you were wearing shoes. Why is this?

Hannah: Well, I only left the pirate caves for the first time a couple days ago. I spent ages in there! But anyways, I could finally cash in my gold and gems for a decent pair of shoes.

Me: Is that all you got?

Hannah: Of course not. I got my own action figure, and a nice shiny dubloon with a scimitar on it (Hannah produces a Hannah Action Figure and a Platinum Dubloon).

Me: That’s pretty nice (She puts the things away). So tell me, do you think you will have a pair of shoes in the Ice Caves? I mean, will you bring those, or get another pair, or take those off?

Hannah: I hope I have a pair of shoes then. Cold feet are horrid. Of course, you never do know. Maybe I’ll get a pair like that (She points at my Lucky Green Boots).

Me: These? They’re pretty nice, but it is a hassle to climb around in them. I’ve already gotten blisters from just today.

Hannah: Still, they can’t be worse than going barefoot the whole time. You should be glad that you thought to bring them.

Me: That’s true. Why didn’t you bring a pair when you first went in?

Hannah: I was in a hurry. My uncle Bloodhook, the treacherous, mutinous Eyrie that he is, was looking for my grandpa’s treasure, and I had to beat him to it. Didn’t even have time to grab my usual sword.

Me: Are you good with a sword?

Hannah: I’m mediocre with it, but it’s better than nothing. Then I could have given those Petpets a little surprise…

Me: So, you said your uncle Bloodhook was trying to get your grandfather’s treasure. The legend goes that you escaped from the scurvy pirate and kept The Mermaid’s Tear too yourself. Is this true?

Hannah: Well, I suppose it is, more or less. I did escape from him, but I…

Me: What?

Hannah (blushing): I got lost. That’s why I was in those caves for such a long time…

Me (trying not to laugh): Didn’t you have a map? *Chuckle* I mean, everyone knows that you had one.

Hannah: I did, but I dropped it while I was running from Uncle, and when I pushed a barrel of black powder at him, it exploded.

Me: It exploded?! (Laughing)

Hannah: Stop it!

Me (Calming down): Sorry. Anyways, whatever happened to your uncle Bloodhook?

Hannah: I’m not entirely sure, myself. When I tried to explode him, not the map, I caused an avalanche, trapping me in and him out. When I finally got out, I tried to track him down, but failed. I’ll keep looking. Who knows? I might even find the guy in the ice caves!

Me: Well thanks for the interview. Two more things, though. Do you like asparagus?

Hannah: Asparagus?! Blech!! Can’t stand the stuff!

Me: Not even Borovan?

Hannah: Nope. Why?

Me: And have you ever found a cave filled with White Weewoos?

Hannah: Yeah, as a matter of fact… wait a second… Why?

Me: Nothing! (I get up and run away)

Hannah: Do you work with the Neo… (voice trails off in the distance)

Well there you have it, folks. After a chilling escape from a confused Usul adventurer and a heart beating like mad as I scooped up coins while fleeing, I have finally managed to deliver this article to Snowflake, only to be turned down twice (thrice, unless you’re reading this) in a sob story that would bring tears to your eyes. I have fulfilled my quest. Send questions, comments, ideas, ravings, advice, or pretty much anything else (I like getting Neomail) to me, and I might respond. But only if this is published! And thanks to my brother for his mediocre job at proof reading and providing input on what’s funny (what he doesn’t laugh at)

 
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