111 Symptoms From the Lost Desert

THE LOST DESERT - As the Lost Desert Plot rages on, many Neopians find themselves getting hooked. That Kau Fortune Teller, her crazy tablet she keeps raving about, that evil temple filled with doors... what could be better?!

As these Neopians continue their quest to discover why on Neopia that Kau showed up, they start showing certain mysterious symptoms. As the Neopets Team releases more parts of the plot, the symptoms become more and more visible and larger in numbers.

I have put together a list of 111 of the most common symptoms of OLDPD, Obsessive Lost Desert Plot Disorder, in honor of the 212th issue of the Neopian Times. Beware, it is spreading very quickly all across Neopia and the only remaining safe place is the Lost Desert, but only because the people who lived there all vanished. Fancy that!

The first and definitely the most common symptom is believing that the Neopets Team is, in fact, laughing at you because you can't figure out what the plot means. I have good news - there is no need to be paranoid because of course they would! I mean, err, wouldn't... I am trying to get into the Times, you know!

The second most common symptom is dreaming about temples. And doors. And scrolls. And colors, and tablets, and rocks, and sand, and... *goes on and on for hours*... and anything else related to the plot.

Now, for the rest of the list in no particular order...

3. Taping your eyes open so that you don't miss the next part of the plot because you blinked.

4. Taping your eyes closed because you are scared to see the next part of the plot for fear that you will not be able to figure out what it means.

5. Gluing your eyes to the screen. This one may be painful and I really don't recommend doing it.

6. Missing many meals in a row because you were busy sitting in front of the computer.

7. Eating only coffee beans or sugar. Or in some people's case, asparagus.

8. Storing food at your desk so that you don't ever have to move and can sit at your computer waiting for clues.

9. Buying a Stone Cool Box from Tyrannia, putting it next to your desk, and storing food in it so that you don't ever have to move and can sit at your computer waiting for clues.

10. Buying a Faerie Fridge from the furniture shop, putting it next to your desk, and storing food in it so that you don't ever have to move and can sit at your computer waiting for clues.

11. Not eating the food that you ever-so-smartly stored on/near your desk because you are worried about making your keyboard slippery or messy and not solving the clue because you have to clean up first.

12. Forcing your neopets to eat scarabs because so many fell on you when you... oops!

13. Forcing your neopets to eat burnt scarabs because now that the fruit machine is gone, they turned into gourmet foods.

14. Forcing your neopet's petpet to eat burnt scarabs. Petpets don't eat. You shouldn't make them. Drop the burnt scarab, back away from the petpet and it won't get mad at you.

15. Eating Lost Desert Paint Brushes. You should paint your pets with them, not your stomach!

16. Carrying water bottles around with you because you are worried you will get lost in the temple for a couple hours. It will more likely be a couple days so you should start bringing food, too.

17. Making copies of your map and giving one to each of your neopets and then telling them to go in and find... oops again!

18. Printing out your map six times so that you don't lose it.

19. Printing out your map seven times so that you don't lose it.

20. Making your home page the Lost Desert instead of the Neopets Portal. *tsk tsk tsk*

21. Constantly repeating yourself because you have so many theories that you can't think straight.

22. Constantly repeating yourself because you have so many theories that you can't think straight.

23. Laughing at random times of the day.

24. Laughing at random times of the day for no reason at all.

25. Not laughing when something that someone said was funny. LAUGH ALREADY!

26. Confusing Jazan with Dr. Sloth. The comics for the random contest weren't true, you know...

27. Thinking that Hannah will magically show up and take Jazan's money. Like I said, the comics for the random contest weren't true.

28. Well, maybe some of them were true but just didn't get picked for first or second place because it would give away the plot. But with the way the plot went, the first and second place winners' stories weren't true. So don't believe them. And stop thinking Hannah is going to show up.

29. No, King Kelpbeard won't show up either!

30. Becoming frustrated because a new chapter wasn't released.

31. Becoming frustrated because a new chapter was released and you can't figure out what it means.

32. Your eyes start to water. There is a lot of water. But you aren't crying, of course!

33. You start to cry. You shouldn't cry - it is just a complicated plot filled with dozens of... oops again!

34. Getting a new personality. This confuses people you talk to. And then they don't know what type of ice cream you like. So try not to get a new personality for the ice cream's sake.

35. Becoming a person of mulitple personalities. When a person has many personalities, their pets become confused because they don't know what their multiple-personalitied owners want anymore. And that is sad. So you should try not to let it happen.

36. Only playing Lost Desert Games. Considering most of them have disappeared with Sakhmet, this one might be hard right now.

37. Ignoring the featured game. How silly of you! Double neopoints are good for everyone.

38. Just because I never play the featured game, that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

39. Wrapping yourself in toilet paper to try to get Jazan to notice you and mistake you for a mummy. Bring me to Sakhmet, too, Jazan!

40. Painting yourself Halloween in an attempt to get Jazan to notice you and mistake you for a mummy because you used a Halloween Paint Brush. That only works for Rukis. And Techos.

41. You really do see Chias resting by a tree. Of course, this is only coincidence. Yes, only coincidence.

42. Munching on the scrolls that you made your map on. Wait, what map? Oh, that's right... I ate it for breakfast.

43. I finally figured out why you made those copies!

44. Losing tons of sleep because you are worried that if you do sleep you won't be as alert if a new chapter of the plot comes out.

45. Sleeping too much because you lost so much sleep from thinking that if you do sleep you won't be as alert if a new chapter of the plot comes out.

46. Timing your sleep with when you think the next chapter is going to be released. This one might not be too healthy.

47. Timing your sleep with when your temple will let you back into it. Again, it isn't suggested. You might not look too good after a day of this. Wait, when your temple will let you back in? What in Neopia am I saying? I mean... when the bakery will let you back in... because... last time you ate all the free cookie samples. Yeah, that's it. When the bakery will let you back in...

48. Plotting against the fortune telling Kau and her cheap crystal balls that she got from the trading post. That Kau, trying to confuse me. Well, we'll just see about who will win!

49. Wishing for a scroll from the wishing well. How silly!

50. Wishing for a scroll from the Brightvale Scrollery. How silly!

51. Roaming the desert in search of a scroll that Jazan may have dropped.

52. Making up your own scrolls and pretending they are official from Coltzan himself. The only reason they have never been heard of is because Coltzan himself hid them in your safety deposit box many many many years ago, of course!

53. Trying to, by yourself, decode your mysterious tab... oops again!

54. Confusion. Where was I?

55. Telling the mailman to hold your mail at the post office because you are worried that going out to the mailbox would make you miss a part of the plot.

56. Paying your mailman to take all your mail directly to your door because you are worried someone will neomail you an important part of the plot but you don't want to go out to your mailbox because you are worried you will miss part of the plot, thereby missing part of the plot because you couldn't get your neomail.

57. You have trouble paying attention to people who aren't talking about the plot.

58. You can't handle hearing the word "Scroll" and are on the brink of not being able to handle reading it anymore. I would feel more comfortable if you backed away - you seem to be all excited because I said the word "Scroll"...

59. You keep imagining a big palace and a princess looking over the city. I told you already, Sakhmet disappeared!

60. You blame "old age" for stuff you forgot to do.

61. You skip doing homework.

62. Wait... some people don't do it anyways...

63. Okay, you skip doing homework twice as much as before if you skip doing some of it already. That is a serious problem of OLDPD. Although you can't use it as an excuse and should really just do your homework.

64. You pretend you can't hear when someone says "Stop typing so loudly" in the library because you are busy trying to get yourself noticed on the Plot Board.

65. You forget to take the trash out. And your house smells.

66. You now have trouble speaking in sentences. And you tend to talk nonsense.

67. You can't feel your fingers.

68. You can't feel your hands.

69. You can't feel your arms.

70. Your feet fall asleep.

71. Your new favorite key on your keyboard is F5. Only you use it so much that it is all worn down and doesn't say F5 anymore. How sad...

72. You forget to do the daily things on Neopets. *tsk tsk ts - Ahh! I have been zapped!*

73. You tell your school you are too sick to come in today. *Must be here if an important part of the plot comes out!*

74. You can't go into work, either. But then maybe the bills won't get paid. And your internet company will get mad at you. And you will be cut off. And won't be able to pay for the internet. So maybe you should just go to work and go online during your lunch break. Yeah, that is a better idea.

75. You start willingly putting your neopet into danger. There are all those little traps in your temple, but hey - they can't hurt your pet too much...

76. You put your neopet into danger again. Maybe you should be more careful?

77. You don't get your random events but still keep getting a page filled with default avatars. Every half hour of the day.

78. Getting out of your seat and dancing like an Egyptian for no reason at all. Okay, even if you do have a reason it is still odd. STOP DANCING!

79. Wanting to make boards *asplode* on the Lost Desert Plot Board. It is fun. Very fun. And destructive.

80. You start making up new Lenny Conundrums that revolve around the plot. Then you ask people to solve them and get blank stares because people are so wrapped up in the plot that they forgot those Conundrums existed.

81. You lose track of time. All the time. And are very late for all your appointments.

82. You start getting sunburns. That aren't from the sun.

83. You become terrified of going to the bathroom because you might miss the next part of the plot.

84. You start finding Princess Amira pretty. And Jazan, you start finding handsome. And Nabile, you start finding her unique. You still think nothing of... err... I mean, you also start thinking that Tomos is a pretty cool guy. And you try to introduce your neopets to them in the hope that maybe one of them will decide that they really like your neopet and want to play with it and then you gain fortune and popularity because you know one of the characters of the plot and the character gives you all the top secret information.

85. You stop realizing the little things, like a new page on the board. And you just keep refreshing and no one has posted and you start feeling sad and you finally realize people have posted. Two pages worth. And you hurry to catch up the reading, and replying, and miss parts of the plot. Make sure you check for new pages.

86. You didn't take a shower because you were refreshing and hoping for a part of the plot to come out. I don't think your coworkers/classmates appreciate it but at least you didn't miss anything... o.0

87. You are very sensitive about any jokes. And your sense of humor changes. A lot. So symptom #25 becomes less funny.

88. You try to break into the temple. You should pay more attention. See the door there? It is in your imagination - it doesn't really exist. Because it is an open temple. It never closes - you just sometimes fall into traps. Don't feel bad - so do... oops!!!

89. You have a constant fear that all your work will be for nothing. Of course it is... err, not.

90. You start reading things wrong. Like the clues. And end up lost somewhere in the desert because you took a wrong turn.

91. Oh, wait, you aren't lost. Sakhmet just disappeared for a little while. Never mind that. But you still start reading things wrong.

92. You are still in the same pyjamas that you were in when the temple was first discovered. You should go change.

93. You start wearing your makeup the same way Princess Amira does. And lots of people stare at you. And worry that you are... I mean, and LOVE your new look. Ahh! She sent the guards on me! *runs away*

94. You run away from imaginary guards. And think that the princess has sent them on you. And you still worry that you aren't safe from them, even though they don't exist. Ahh! They came back for me! Help!

*keeps typing the rest of the most common symptoms in hopes of finishing before she gets dragged away by angry guards created in her imagination*

95. Your shopping list contains Lost Desert food items. And you go to the store and ask for help finding sand bananas. And you get strange looks. From everyone who heard your question.

96. You start drawing maps for everything in your home because you have been so busy with the plot that you haven't had time to clean and finding anything has become a chore. Of course, if you just cleaned that would probably be much easier and maybe even a little faster!

97. You went out and bought a crystal ball so that you could try to figure out the clues before anyone else but, like the Fortune Teller, got one from the Trading Post. And, like hers, yours doesn't work.

98. You have delusions and hallucinations about the temple and the Lost Desert and the sphinx and all that comes with it.

99. Every time you see a coffee or tea cup, you go crazy because you think you found a new tomb.

100. You serve your family sand foods. What do you mean, sand bananas aren't edible? I feed them to my Mynci all the time!

101. You talk to your friends for a while and then, all of a sudden, shout "Okay, so who is making the new board?!" because you spent so much time on the Lost Desert plot board that it is habit.

102. You find yourself in a tight white jacket and a room made of sponges found from the fishing hole. Ooh... squishy!

103. You are still trying to figure out if the symbols are related to the real Egyptian symbols even though I told you they weren't. *Tsk tsk tsk.* Oh, I didn't? Never mind, then. Continue on!

104. You get a tattoo of a scarab and rename yourself as Tomos or Nabile. I want a tattoo, too! Where did you get yours?! TELL ME!

105. You talk to a group of friends and if they ask why you are so quiet, you simply say "I am just lurking" because you spent so much time on the Lost Desert plot board that it is habit.

106. You start writing your username instead of your real name on your papers and add in a little smiley face.

107. You start getting upset with random people who have done nothing wrong. And you blame the heat. The desert heat. Which did nothing wrong. Stop yelling at me!

108. You believe that you are entirely normal and the world around you is crazy.

109. Your current living address is "Lost Desert Plot Board."

110. You find sand in your shoes when you haven't been to the beach.

111. If you are crazy enough to type 111 of the most common symptoms of OLDPD, you know you have a problem and should seek Lost Desert clues. They are the best form of help when you have a severe case of OLDPD.

Now you know 111 of the most common symptoms of Obsessive Lost Desert Plot Disease.

This is my first article for the Times. A HUGE thank you goes out to the Lost Desert Plot Board for helping me. A special thanks goes out to kejej, shiarria2002, erica_tanti, erainbow, nathan628, lotticat, picheo3, and all the people who stopped by the OLDPD board from number fifty-one to number one hundred and forty-seven. Thanks, all :D