Mayhem for Millions! a Minion’s Memoir
So, you think that all minions are evil, malicious, repulsive,
and destructive? I hate to tell you this, but you're right! Minions are not only
evil, but they understand evil in a way that only an evil minion can. For instance,
chocolate and asparagus ach y fi? If you understand that you must be an evil minion.
Also you must understand that minions know who they are and we know each other,
but for our protection you don't know us. You can call me Moonstruck Maniac. Anyways,
we have a little saying: madmen are merely strange; minions go to meetings.
For me it all started on one beautiful sunny
day… Soon after the brilliant and gifted Dr. Frank Sloth launched his attempt
to take over Neopia I ran across the Space Faerie in Faerieland. Now, like the
intelligent faerie Kacheek I am, I wondered what brought her to Faerieland as
she is so rarely seen. Deciding that her business in Faerieland was much more
important than my errand to pick up some faerie pancakes for my owner, I followed
her. She headed towards the castle and I crept along behind her. Once at the
castle she entered the gardens. Slipping from one rainbow shadow to another,
I followed, straining my ears for any sound. As I turned a corner in the hedge
maze I suddenly heard voices. One was the Space Faerie and with her was no one
other than Fyora, the faerie queen herself. Craning my neck to see, I heard
them mention the illustrious and magnificent Dr. Sloth. Just as they began to
talk in earnest, I heard a pair of faerie guards enter the maze. I quickly ran
out of the gardens.
Having heard so much about this fantastic and
elegant Dr. Frank Sloth, I determined to learn more. I asked faeries and other
Neopians and everyone I saw until I knew everything there was to know. Then
one evening I was contacted. Dr. Frank Sloth himself was making a secret trip
to Neopia and I was invited to be there. I was so excited. I couldn't eat, I
couldn't sleep. I started seeing things, and began to dream of Dr. Frank Sloth.
Everything in my room was green, and Dr. Sloth posters were everywhere. Frankly
I believe my owner suspected something was going on but she never said anything…
Finally the special day arrived. I snuck away
from my room at night when my owner was asleep and hurried to the meeting. It
was everything I had hoped it would be and more. I was given my own "I Support
Sloth" badge and fully indoctrinated into minion-hood. I went to meetings several
times a month where I reported my successes of my experiments and snitched on
the innocent-seeming Neopians that were attempting to foil the glorious plans
of my master. As my experience grew I got the greatest honor a minion could
have; I was allowed to fire the gigantic ray gun and turn someone's priceless
paint brush into a pile of sludge. Ah… that fine moment shines in my memory
even now as a definite highlight as my career.
Being able to blend in with normal Neopians became
my greatest advantage. I moved in the shadows, sneaking transmogrification potions
into the food of innocent Neopians. I wreaked havoc wherever I went. The more
chaos the better! I was always careful that no one would notice that I was the
cause of anything. I loved the mischief I carried out. Turning small items and
the food of Neopians into sludge with my portable ray gun was magnificent! Ah,
those good days…
So that is how it began. Once I was started I
was hooked. It was as if I had finally found my true calling. Once a month I
would sneak out of my neohome and travel to the secret lair of the vilest of
villains, most magnificent and wonderful Dr. Frank Sloth. His laboratory was
magnificent. It was all run by Grundos, you know. They are the loyalest of all
creatures. Even now in their "freedom" still working for the glorious day when
Dr. Frank Sloth will rule Neopia… oops… I say too much. Anyways, in his lair
he would wine and dine his most loyal of minions and share with us his plans
for a greater, better, more beautiful Neopia. A Neopia where all the neohomes
are painted and decorated in greens, where every day is Sloth Appreciation Day,
and all Neopians recognize him for the genius he is. Then he would give us the
most secret missions of mayhem there were.
Have you ever heard of Operation Sludge? No?
I didn't think you had. That was a magnificent move indeed. In one fell swoop,
Dr. Sloth used his ray gun to eliminate all the gift boxes in Neopia and replace
them with a pile of sludge. Even now I cannot reveal to you how that magnificent
work was carried out, but suffice to say: it was amazing.
Then there was Operation Meepit. I am sure you
have heard of all the recent controversy surrounding the meepit, its so-called
evilness and its "innocent" cousin the feepit. Heh heh heh! Little does the
average Neopian know that while their minds were occupied by this dilemma the
real threat to their safety was slipping by in front of their noses. In fact,
you know that faellie that you absolutely must have for your collection? They
are the real threat. Still they are out there... costing Neopians hundreds of
neopoints, one millionth of which goes through obscure channels to secret numbered
accounts in the National Neopian Bank that belong to Dr. Frank Sloth himself.
Not only that, though; they are secretly infiltrating the neohomes of the richest
Neopians, poised to create mischief and seize millions of neopoints when their
owners' backs are turned.
Ah…the brilliance of the mastermind Dr. Sloth.
How he commanded and we made his evil clones. Evil clones to impersonate him
and make appearances that the Space Faerie could not ignore, allowing the real
Dr. Sloth to make his moves.
Then he had us make his line of licensed Sloth
retail. His books and his toys with the subliminal messages that would eventually
turn the user into a mutant were brilliant. There was transmogrification potion
on the pages, you see. When the unsuspecting Neopian licked their fingers to
turn the pages they unknowingly ate the potion as well and were changed into
the beautiful mutants that are so underappreciated. Really, mutants are the
most appealing of creatures. Their clean, asymmetrical lines and those rich
colors that make them really stand out in a crowd, not to mention their extra
features, make them really the most classic beings in Neopia.
As a minion I dedicated my life to seeing Dr.
Frank Sloth as the ruler of Neopia. One month at his secret hidden lair he announced
that the pressure from the Space Faerie was getting too strong and he was going
to do the unthinkable. I was horrified and confused, but as he explained his
plan I saw that it was one of the greatest pieces of genius that I had ever
heard. Soon after this meeting I rejoiced with the rest of Neopia when the Space
faerie "defeated" Dr. Sloth. But really I was rejoicing because I knew that
it was all a ploy by Dr. Sloth. I knew he wanted to be able to work his mayhem
in the shadows once more and to slowly drive Neopia to recognize him as its
one true leader.
To that end he continues to work. Hidden in his
secret lair, far from the eyes of the Space Faerie, he plots the mischief and
plans the missions that his other loyal minions and I carry out for him. Forever
we will strive until Neopians everywhere recognize their true leader as the
genius he is rather than the failure the faeries would have you believe he is.
Note: Virtupets Inc. apologizes for any physical or emotional hurt that
may have resulted from the reading of this article, especially from the realization
that you were manipulated into buying that Faellie who will now proceed to steal
all your neopoints.
All views in this memoir are the property of Virtupets Inc. All Neopians
who now see their true calling as an enlightened member of society and wish
to become a minion feel free to contact the author of this article. Neomail
is the preferred method of contact as all other methods can and probably are
intercepted by that pesky Space Faerie. The author will put you in touch with
the local chapter of Massed Minions United which will induct you into minion-hood
complete with your own "I Support Sloth" badge.