The Horror That Lurks in Every Kitchen
There is a danger lurking in every unsuspecting Neopian's
Neohome. They see them every day, taking them for granted, but soon they will
rise and conquer Neopia… yes… then you'll all be sorry. I tried to warn the public
but they all laughed. In one desperate attempt to inform you of the peril you
are all in, I wrote this little piece; it's up to you if you believe me… but I
write the truth, I tell you, the truth!
It all started about two weeks ago… Yes, that's
when I first noticed it. When I entered the kitchen it was a day like any other.
Birds were screaming, Meekins were playing and children were singing. Wait I
think something got messed up there. Well, you get my drift. I walked into the
kitchen and sat down at the coffee table to read my newspaper, of course, NF
snatched it right from me, patting me on the head in that silly way and saying
"Good, boy, thank you for fetching the paper for Mommy! What a good Puppyblew
you are!" and shoved one of those disgusting Petpet treats in my mouth. Pleff!
She'll pay though… one day I'll have my vengeance… Anyway, so there I sat with
nothing to read and a very stale dry piece of worthless bread in my mouth (do
you realize how hard those things are to swallow? It could choke a fellow!)
NF had walked out of the room and I saw it stir. At first I thought my eyes
were playing tricks on me but then I saw it again… No mistaking it my keen eyes
had detected an intruder!
For a while we stared at each other, petpet to
teapot… then it slid off the stove slyly. Mocking me! It was as good as declaring
I wasn't a worthy threat! Well, I would show that pot!
I jumped down from my chair barking my warning.
I snatched that insolent thing from the ground and shook it. HARD! Yes, I had
it and it would have posed no more threat to my family, as strange and naive
as they were, but then Stiyanna came in. Now, I make no complaints on her behalf
for the most part as she shares her meals with me and buys me the most intriguing
petpet toys but right then I was very grudging towards her paw reaching down
to grab that teapot from me.
"No! Bad Detective Shnucklesby!" she scolded
I growled in my most terrorizing fashion but
to my horror she simply smiled at me and placed the teapot back on the stove
saying, "Oh, you're so cute! How can I stay mad at you?"
I began to protest but at that moment Stiyanna
reached down and scratched me at that tantalizing place behind my ear… I had
no choice but to be reduced into submissiveness. In my state of blurriness I
unseeingly followed the Lupe into her room where I promptly laid down to take
a nice long nap…
My eyes flew open. I had clearly heard an unfamiliar
sound. No light came in from the bedroom window and I found Stiyanna sleeping
peacefully in her bed. Had I slept all day? I quickly made my way downstairs,
fearing the worst. I would find out it was even worse than I had expected.
Ninjas, I could take on, robbers - piece of cake!
But nothing could prepare me for what I saw that night. Pausing for nothing
I tread silently towards the continuous noise. Was it coming from the dining
room? No. The kitchen? Yes, that was it. Abruptly the noises stopped as I entered
the room in question.
I growled from the pit of my throat; this growl
I have found has more effect in scaring the enemy. You see it has to come from
the stomach and into the throat, then one must part their lips just so. It is
one of the many complicated arts I have mastered. Well I growled such at this
moment, staring into the dark, my eyes searching for any hint of movement.
Then I saw it. It was a gleam of sorts, menacing
in the midnight air. Actually I found out later that morning it was precisely
11:34 p.m. but this is beside the point. Then I heard an oily voice.
"Don't worry, guys, it's just the dumb petpet,"
it said to unseen others.
Lights flickered on and I stumbled back (not
for fear, of course; I am truly fearless, you see). There, in my very own house
was a sight ugly to behold.
Short ones, fat ones, slender ones, and if I
wasn't mistaken (which is very rare) an antique, all sat there, in no fear of
Three were stacked one on top of the other teetering
below the light switch while the others waited below. All spouts were fixed
"Dumb?" I asked menacingly, making sure my large
teeth gleamed in the moonlight. "I beg to differ my dim-witted opposition."
"Numb-skull," the teapot spat.
"Dense piece of junk," I snarled back.
"Shallow shadow of a petpet."
"Worthless, brainless weight."
The teapot rocked on the floor in anger but it
was clear I had outwitted the heap of metal.
"I have no battle here; onto more important matters,
fellas!" he told the mob of teapots.
I positioned myself in the doorway to oppose
At this the lead teapot began to laugh, joined
by the others. "You! Stop us? Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh that's rich!"
That was too much for me. In the heat of my fury
I lunged at that pot. Grabbing it at the spout I hurled it towards the opposite
wall of the kitchen. With a great clatter it fell to the floor. I knew instantly
I had made a mistake.
The teapots scattered before you could say "Neocola"
and I was left with the family's teapot motionless on the kitchen floor and
the family towering above me in angry half consciousness.
"Mom, Detective Shnucklesby has been acting really
weird lately," Stiyanna told her owner the next morning giving me a worried
I had been in an intense staring contest with
the teapot when she said this and my concentration was immediately broken at
the mention of my name. Seeing NF wasn't too happy with me I leaped off the
chair and sat at her feet whimpering my apology and causing my eyes to grow
wide and pleading, tale between my hind legs in that very sorrowful, dejected
NF stared at me for a bit then swooped down and
picked me up, holding me with one arm and scratching my nose with the other.
It was times like these I am grateful humans have fingers.
"He looks fine to me," Llilord (Stiyanna's older
brother, a skunk Lupe) commented as he came down from his bedroom.
"Oh my gosh!" Callastinia shrieked as she ran
down the stairs. "Mom, do you realize what time it is?"
NF glanced at the clock and hurriedly set me
down on the kitchen floor.
"Come on, everyone," she told the three pets.
"Oh, where's Grovve?"
"GROVVE!" the three pets screamed as one.
I resignedly took my place on the chair once
again, settling down to watch the scene.
"Grovve! Get down here or you'll be late for
Neoschool!" NF hollered.
A rainbow Yurble came flying down the stairs,
his colorful fur matted and tangled.
"Everyone out, out, out, out," NF told her pets
swinging her arm in the direction of the door.
As they all left I turned back to the teapot.
Or where the teapot had been. The thing had made its way to the island in the
center of the kitchen where it hopped to the little round wooden table and reached
up (as teapots reach) to flicker the window blinds.
I sprung from my chair and leapt onto the table.
But Grovve's homework from the previous night caused me to slide off the side
in a flurry of paper and Puppyblew.
"Fool!" the teapot scoffed. Its cocky attitude
was really getting to me. I had to teach that pot a lesson he would never forget,
and it was coming soon. "You can't stop us! It's all ready too late! The teapots
will rule the world! World domination! Every Neopian household will be taken
over by one of us in exactly two moons' time! There's not one thing you can
do to prevent it either! Muahahahahahahahaha!"
I bared my fangs. So, these scraps of metal were
planning to take over Neopia? My Neohome included? We'd have to see about that!
In a ball of fur and fangs I attacked it for
the third time. I hadn't noticed the others sneak in behind me and pretty soon
I was watching the teapots congregate from the cookie jar where they had stuck
me, helpless and angry. They couldn't leave me here forever. NF would have to
let me out sometime and then that pot was history!
As I waited, being sure the teapots remembered
my presence, I had some time to think. I would have to tell someone. But that's
the problem with humans and pets, they are very dense creatures and you can't
communicate verbally with them. I would have to write a note and leave it for
Stiyanna. They had to be warned.
Finally I saw the doorknob twist and the teapots
scattered. NF walked in juggling some jelly, Crispies and a bag of Neopoints.
I gave a loud implying bark and she turned to
see me in the cookie jar.
"Detective Shnucklesby!" she shrieked, rushing
over to me and opening the cookie jar.
I hopped out and fell to the floor.
"How did you get yourself in there?" she asked
I tried my best to tell her of the day's happenings
but she just shook a finger at me and told me what a bad boy I was and that
she was glad that I was all right because one day I wouldn't be all right and
that day would come if I didn't stop getting myself into these things.
The injustice of it all and NF's lack to listen
to plain facts convinced me my plan would have to stretch wider. In my state
of hurt dignity I marched off to Stiyanna's room leaving NF in the kitchen with
her confounded Neopian Times and Grovve's forgotten homework.
Luckily Stiyanna had left her stationery paper
out. I found a pen and began to write.
As my duty as a citizen of Neopia and the
guard of the house I feel it my duty to inform my owner and Neopia in general
of the danger to pets, owners and faeries alike. It was roughly two days ago
that I noticed the teapot my owner keeps in the kitchen was behaving strangely.
Claiming to take over Neopia and calling meetings among other teapots in the
neighborhood, I observed the pot's behavior and did my best to stop them. The
first night I confronted the villainous kitchen items there must have been hundreds
- thousands of them. They attacked me and I was outnumbered greatly, but I fought
bravely anyway, knowing my war was all ready decided. After a few other dealings
with the teapot I realized it was necessary to inform Neopia of the hazards.
You being the great ruler that you are I have written this letter seeking your
assistance in this crucial matter of dark, dark times.
Please respond quickly.
Detective Shnucklesby the Puppyblew
I copied the letter onto three other pieces of
paper changing "Fyora" to "Skarl," and "Hagan".
Then I set to work on the final letter for Stiyanna.
Teapots are trying to take over the world!
The one in our kitchen has formed an army of pots. They say that they will take
over Neopia in two months. They're evil! Every one of them! Neopia must be informed
of the danger! I will continue collecting information from the sinister pot
in our very own Neohome until something can be done.
P.S. Please tell NF to stop shoving petpet
treats in my mouth! They're horrible, disgusting things and the taste of that
last one took me days to get rid of!
I took the letter to Stiyanna into the kitchen
and put it on the wooden round table where I had earlier battled our pot. Now
it lay lifeless on the stove as if plots and evil weren't running through its
head or what teapots have of heads. Giving a final glare I returned to Stiyanna's
room and retrieved the other letters.
I left the house undetected and trotted down
the driveway with the notes in my mouth until I reached the mailbox. Here I
was met with a problem. Why were mailboxes made too high for petpets to reach
them? It was really quite condescending. It meant that we weren't expected to
write letters like the rest of Neopia, that we were incapable and lacked the
smarts! Hmph! But this still didn't get me any closer to the mailbox so I began
searching for something to stand on.
Finally I found a bucket NF used for gardening
- or at least, that's what she claimed. The garden had been untouched by anyone
except us petpets for the last century. However the bucket would do and I nosed
it over to the mailbox, letters still in my mouth and jumped on it. Or more
of jumped in it. I had accidentally left the bucket right side up and now I
was stuck in the dirty blue bucket no closer to the mailbox than I had began.
With much difficulty I threw my weight to one side of the bucket and it toppled
over. I repeated it so that the flat solid surface was now on the top and moved
the bucket back over to the mailbox. Jumping on it I had better luck. But I
was still a foot or so short. There was a surprising lack of objects to stack
and stand on in the yard but I finally managed a tower high enough to reach
the mailbox and with enough places for me to place my paws.
Setting the envelopes down, I used my teeth to
open the mailbox and then picked the letters up once more and placed them inside.
Satisfied with my work I shut it and looked down. Another problem faced me.
How was I going to get down? I didn't have to wonder for long because a strong
breeze blew against my makeshift ladder and it all collapsed so I found myself
back on solid ground.
"There you are!" came NF's voice from behind
me. "Just look at the mess you've made!"
I turned around and wagged my tail and tried
to look cute.
"Well," NF said pushing a box with her tow, "they'll
be back soon so it's time for you to come back inside."
I trotted after her obligingly. My work was done
for today, there was nothing more I could do until my letters were received.
I stared down at the three pieces of paper unbelievingly.
The mail had been sent out and returned extraordinarily quickly. I already had
responses to my three letters and it hadn't even been twenty-four hours since
they were sent. I was not happy with the replies I saw before me, however.
I didn't know that Puppyblews had thumbs to
I send her a drawn out, well-written letter and
this is what I get! A post it with wings and a tiny scribbled note?
King Skarl's was not much better:
That was the funniest thing I have heard in
a long time! Whew! I'll still be laughing days after. Teapots, Puppyblews! Heh,
heh, heh! I'd give that joke a 2000 out of 1000! Here, have something from my
So he thought his was some laughing matter! At
least he had written it on paper. King Hagan's was equally disappointing but
by then I had given up hope of any real help.
I'm not dense, youngin'! What do you take
I dejectedly ate the muffin Skarl had enclosed
with his letter. So no one would believe me? That was just fine. But I knew
I could count on Stiyanna. She was probably discussing it with NF right now.
I trotted to the lounge where Stiyanna and Llilord
"One…" Llilord whispered.
"Two…" Stiyanna said.
"THREE!" they both yelled and jumped from their
beanbags, diving into Callastinia's room.
"Hey what are you - " Callastinia's voice asked
from the room.
"We got it!" Llilord cried triumphantly.
"You got me!" Stiyanna told him.
I went into the Yurble's room and saw Stiyanna
and Llilord in a tangle on the floor while Callastinia danced out of reach with
a navy book in her claws.
I couldn't believe it! Stiyanna had paid no attention
to my warning! I ran into the kitchen and looked at the place where I had left
the letter. The letter was gone so that could only mean that Stiyanna had gotten
it. I went over a mental list in my mind, the letter was missing, and the teapot
was still there… Then I realized something else was missing. Grovve's homework
was gone, and I would bet the letter went with it.
"Has anyone seen Grovve?" I heard NF ask from
There was a chorus of "no" from all three pets.
Then the door swung open in the kitchen and the rainbow Yurble came in. The
rest of the family rushed into the kitchen.
"Where were you?" NF asked.
"Detention," Grovve said bitterly as he dropped
the day's homework on the table. "Someone stuck a letter with my homework and
my teacher thought it was a joke and gave me detention. She didn't believe that
I had never seen it before."
"What did it say?" Callastinia asked.
"Something about teapots and Puppyblews," Grovve
I slowly backed out of the kitchen, careful to
avoid detection. So the letter to Stiyanna hadn't worked. Like any good detective
I would have to try my options. Firstly I could try to stop these pots as a
one-petpet operation, but that hadn't worked the past few attempts. Secondly
I could try informing Neopia in one final attempt. Battling the teapots once
again seemed to only lead to defeat because I was so outnumbered and so I took
it upon myself to write this to tell you all of my trials over the past few
Whether or not you choose to believe me is your
choice. For now I will continue to do my part in this battle against these rising
villains. Now I must go walk off into the sunset to complete the effect, but
don't say I didn't warn you…