Never Trust A Chicken Man: Part Four
Also by extreme_fj0rd
"It's no use!" Harriet moaned, slumping over the controls
of her spacecraft. "I can't fix it! You stupid owner!"
Bo wandered into the control room, grinning.
"This spaceship is great!" he said happily. "We're going to go rescue Yasha
and Marco --"
"And my ray gun," Harriet said darkly.
"-- and we even get hot cocoa while we do it!"
"Gee, aren't we just the luckiest people in Neopia,"
Harriet muttered. "Bo, the reason we aren't there yet is that we are not going
to get there! Remember? You pressed the big red button, and now we're soaring
randomly through the universe!"
"Oh," Bo said. He stared at the controls. "Well,
can't we just pull random levers and push random buttons until we can fly back
to Kreludor or wherever?"
"The Space Station," Harriet corrected. "And
I already tried that!"
"Did you try that button?" Bo asked, pointing
at a button just above the big red one. This one was large as well, but it was
green and said 'PRESS THIS'.
"Er, no," Harriet said.
Bo pressed it. They both winced as the spacecraft
abruptly changed directions, but a few minutes later, the Space Station was
in clear view. Harriet began to press buttons again and pull levers, trying
to direct them to a spaceport, but the craft had different ideas. It pulled
quietly up to a seemingly random port and connected, and the door opened quietly
into an airlock. Bo and Harriet glanced at each other, and together they walked
out of the spacecraft and into the Space Station.
Harriet had never been to the Space Station before,
despite her knowledge of flying a spacecraft, but she had seen photographs of
it. Bo, on the other hand, had been there about three times, but was forbid
to ever go there again after he and Yasha had punctured an airlock and wiped
out the population of table-scum that populated the flying land. However, Bo
didn't think that matter well, mattered now, so he didn't say anything as he
and Harriet wandered about.
"I think we're in Sloth's lair," Harriet suddenly
whispered, her eyes wide.
"Sloth?" hissed Bo.
Harriet shook her head. "Mr. Chicken," she explained
Then, Harriet and Bo continued slinking around,
carefully and slowly. Soon, they came upon a big silver door that said 'DO NOT
ENTER', so they entered. Inside was a comfortable-looking room with two huge
couches and a coffee table that had a hot chocolate machine on it.
"Eeee!" Bo exclaimed, rushing over to the hot
chocolate machine and making himself a huge cup of the frothy liquid.
Harriet rushed after him. "What are you thinking?"
she hissed. "We're trying to be casual, not stupid!"
Bo frowned. "Blame the authors," he muttered,
slurping down the hot chocolate and then filling himself another cupful.
Harriet shook her head. "This isn't the authors,
Bo. This is you. You and only you. Now, you better put that hot chocolate
down and come with me to find my ray gun -"
"And Yasha and Marco," added Bo.
"- and then we're gonna get away from here. If
you refuse to put that hot chocolate down, I'm leaving you alone in the Space
Station at the mercy of Sloth."
At this, Bo gasped. "This is Mr. Chicken's place?"
Harriet could only grunt in irritation. "I told
you that, but you obviously forgot. Now, come on, Bo."
Bo nodded and set down his half-drunk cup of
hot chocolate. Then, he and Harriet slunk off to find Harriet's ray gun, as
well as Marco and Yasha.
Harriet and Bo went down a hallway and turned
left before stumbling upon another big silver door. This one read 'AUTHORIZED
PERSONNEL ONLY', and since Bo didn't know what authorized or personnel meant,
he entered. Harriet followed closely behind him.
"Hey, look at that," Bo said, staring across
the large room full of complex machines.
"My ray gun?"
"No, another hot-chocolate machine," Bo explained,
Harriet grabbed the collar of his shirt. "Oh,
no you don't," she said quickly. "Remember what I said?"
"Right," Bo said, subsiding.
Harriet let go and began to prowl around the
room, staring at things. "I can't believe it," she said. "It's not here!"
"It's right over there," said Bo.
"Not the hot-chocolate machine, you idiot, my
"Oh." Bo glanced around. "Well, why don't you
try though there?" He pointed at the door marked 'STOLEN WEAPONRY ROOM'.
"Good idea," Harriet remarked, setting off towards
the door. "Oh, no you don't," she added as Bo made a move towards the hot-chocolate
machine. "You're coming with me."
And, Bo protesting all the way, she grabbed his
wrist and dragged him through the Stolen Weaponry Room door, which was quite
handily unlocked, as if someone was expecting them.
In fact, someone was expecting them. For,
just inside the Stolen Weaponry room, sat Mr. Chicken.
Mr. Chicken smiled at Bo and Harriet. "Hello!"
"Hello, Sloth," replied Harriet stiffly.
At this remark, Bo gave Harriet a funny look.
"Who's Sloth?" he whispered into her ear.
"Mr. Chicken," she grunted.
"Oh… wait a minute, that's Mr. Chicken? MR. CHICKEN
GIVE ME YASHA AND MARCO BACK NOW! PLEASE!" Bo screeched.
"Yes, give them back, but first give me my ray
gun! I need it!" Harriet said.
Mr. Chicken chortled. "It was MY ray gun in the
first place, Harriet."
Bo gasped. "How do you know her name?" he inquired.
Mr. Chicken smiled. "I am the subject of bad
authors who have characters blurt information when they shouldn't know the information,
Bo. That is how."
"Oh, that makes sense." Bo nodded to himself.
"Yes, yes it does," Mr. Chicken said.
Then, there was an awkward silence in the room,
and it made Bo and Harriet unnerved. For, their authors were normally the type
who were spinning words from nowhere just to keep the story humming along. They
were never written as 'silent'. There were never 'awkward silences'.
"KEEP THE STORY MOVING!" Harriet shrieked suddenly.
"Yes, this is quite boring! I want to kidnap
them already! I can't wait!"
Bo's eyes widened. "You… you're going to kidnap
"Yes, well, it's inevitable, Bo. Of course I'm
going to kidnap the two of you."
Bo and Harriet looked at each other hard in the
eyes, and then Harriet whispered, "Bo… run!"
So Bo and Harriet fled from the room, only to
then get trapped in the 'AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ROOM', due to the fact that an
unseen force had suddenly placed a metal bookshelf against the door.
"We're doomed," breathed Harriet and Bo in unison,
even though no very different characters ever REALLY say the same exact, cliché
words in unison in the same exact tone.
Just then, Mr. Chicken entered the room.
"Guards!" he called. "Guards! Take them to the
Grundo guards popped out of nowhere and grabbed
onto Harriet and Bo. Then, they led them off to the right, into a tiny room
called the Holding Room, where the guards clustered around Bo and Harriet.
"Er, if this is the holding room..." said Bo
hesitantly, "erm, why aren't you holding us?"
The Grundos glanced at one another. "It's a misnomer?"
"A very small crime?" Bo said, confused.
"No, that's, uh, misdemeanor. I think." The guard
pulled a small dictionary from his pocket and flipped through it. "See?" He
held the book out so Bo could read the definition.
"And we'd just like to let you know that normally
we're very compassionate and empathic people," added another of the Grundo guards.
"We don't really want to hurt you."
"Well, then, why are you?"
"Oh. You aren't?"
Harriet glared at Bo. "Shut up," she hissed,
"every moment we spend here talking to these guards is a moment my ray gun is
in the hands of Dr. Sloth!"
"Oh. Right." A thought occurred to Bo. "Didn't
Mr. Chickenhead say that it was his ray gun?" he asked innocently.
"He was lying," Harriet said. "It's mine. MINE,
I TELL YOU!"
Bo nodded and turned to the guards. "Excuse me,
but could you please let us leave?"
The guards traded glances again. "Don't see why
not," said the first one.
"Sure," said the second. "You can go through
there." He pointed at a door that said 'PRISONERS' CELLS THROUGH HERE'.
"Thanks!" said Bo as he and Harriet slid through
the crowd of guards to the door.
Harriet opened it, and she and Bo stepped through
into the hallway beyond.
And what they found in the hallway beyond, you
will have to wait for next week to find out, unless of course you're such great
friends with one of the authors that they will give you the whole story to prevent
you from such cliffhangers as this one is. However, there are few in this world
such great friends with one of the authors, and many of these people are so
sick of them rambling about it at this point that they will just patiently await
the next part. However, if you are one of these great friends, please contact
the authors by first contacting their agents, who will then contact the authors.
Please and thanks, and…
To be continued...