Never Trust A Chicken Man: Part One
Also by extreme_fj0rd
It was a peachy-keen day in Neopia Central, and all was
going swell. But if everything continued going swell, we wouldn't have much of
a story here, so suddenly, out of nowhere, a chaotic event occurred.
It happened on 10951097 Bread Street at the house
that belonged to Yashamooeyfullman the yellow Lupe and her owner, Bo.
"Gee!" cried Yashamooeyfullman - Yasha for short
- during the morning, when all was still ordinary. "I am just so bored!"
"Why don't we go splurge at the Hidden Tower?"
suggested Bo from beside his pet.
"No, we did that yesterday," said Yasha, sighing.
Bo scowled and began to fold a silk tablecloth
into a mutant Grundo doll. "Why don't we go help the needy at the Neopian Pound?"
"No, we did that the day before yesterday," reminded
"Oh yeah," said Bo, coloring a smile onto the
silk tablecloth doll. "Well, maybe we should go save Neopia!"
"Great idea!" exclaimed Yasha, and she beamed.
"The only problem is," said Bo, "what do we save
And it was then that Yasha the psychotic Lupe
villain was born. "From me!" squealed the villain.
"Okay," Bo agreed happily. He picked up a crayon
and began a list on the back of his Mutant Grundo tablecloth doll. "Let's see,
you'll need a couple of ray guns, a big blaster ray--"
Yasha leaned over her owner's shoulder. "And
we should hire some minions for me," she added, and Bo scribbled that down as
"Rent a large, evil-looking citadel and we're
all set!" he ended triumphantly and set down his crayon. "There, I think that
should do it."
Yasha nodded, inspecting her owner's list. "Sounds
good," she said. "Now, where will we find minions..."
"I'm sure there's a union for them," Bo said
reasonably. "But how to find it..." He tapped the crayon against his chin, resulting
in several large red marks. "I know! We can ask around the neighborhood!" he
cried and stood up, tucking his Mutant Grundo tablecloth doll under her arm.
"Okay!" Yasha said, and together the Lupe and
her owner went forth to poll the neighbors as to where they could find a minion
Their next door neighbor was a green Techo named
Pauddman. Yasha had never liked Pauddman, but Bo convinced his Lupe to go up
to Pauddman's one story, one room, cardboard-walled house and inquire the whereabouts
of the minion union.
"Hello," said Yasha politely as Pauddman answered
the door. "My name is Yasha, if you didn't know, and I am wondering where I
can find the nearest minion union."
"Oh, that's easy!" exclaimed Pauddman. "Just
walk down three blocks, turn left, walk exactly 4.10908974 miles, turn right,
walk exactly 3.1 miles, and it'll be straight in front of you. It's a big building
that has 'MINION UNION' written on it in green glitter-glue!"
"Thank you," replied Yasha. "And once I'm there,
what I need to do?"
Pauddman said, "Oh, that's easy too! Just state
your name, cause, and how many minions you wish to acquire. From there, it's
Yasha thanked Pauddman again, and the Techo gave
a happy nod and closed the door.
"Bo!" the Lupe then cried as she barreled over
to her owner, who was still standing in front of their own house. "I got directions
to the nearest minion union!"
"Oh, really, where is it?" inquired Bo, smiling.
Yasha gave directions, and the two of them set
After 7.20908974 miles (plus three blocks) of
walking, Yasha and Bo were both exhausted, and also standing in front of a large
building. As Pauddman had said, 'MINION UNION' was spelled out in green glitter-glue
on the facade; Yasha speculated, as they stood there, "I wonder why it's not
"I don't know," Bo said. "We could ask, though,
"Okay," Yasha said, and the two walked into the
"Ow!" the Lupe exclaimed, and Bo said, "Sorry."
He pulled the door open and let Yasha enter first, then went in himself and
let the door close behind them.
Inside, it was surprisingly well-lit for a minion
union, but then again, Yasha and Bo had never been in any other minion union
before. Squishy armchairs sat around the walls with reading lamps close by.
Minions of all sorts, shapes, and descriptions filled the hall; everything from
deckswabbers to elite Darigan darklings to Maraquan blademasters.
"I wonder why I've never come to one of these
before," Yasha mused aloud. "It's a nice place."
Bo nodded. "It is," he agreed.
A minion came out of the crowd; it was a Bori
miner made completely out of ice.
"Whaddaya want?" he asked, in a low, growly voice,
augmenting his words by slapping his pick into the palm of his hand.
"Woah, cool!" Yasha exclaimed. "You're from the
Hannah and the Ice Caves plot!"
"Last employment," the minion shrugged. "It's
union regulations. Like I said, whaddaya want?"
"I want to hire some minions," Yasha said with
a broad grin. "You see, I'm trying to take over Neopia."
The Bori laughed. "You and everyone else. If
I were you, kid, I'd go home and stop with this wishful thinking. It ain't gonna
happen. You ain't gonna take over Neopia."
"You just wait and see!" Yasha huffed defensively.
She glared into the Bori's eyes for a moment before shrieking, "I'm looking
for minions, who wants to be my minion!?"
Immediately, a horde of minion-wannabes rushed
"Me! Me!" they all squealed, jumping up and down
like rabid Myncis.
"Oooh, I pick um…" Yasha stared around at the
leaping minion-wannabes for a moment. Then she said, "I pick all of you!"
"Yay!" squealed a hyper blue Poogle from the
front of the crowd. "My first job as a minion! My first job as a minion! My
owner would be so proud!"
"It's my first job, too!" exclaimed a black Pteri
from beside the Poogle. "And I'm very, very happy!"
Suddenly, Yasha realized that all of these minion-wannabes
who she had just hired were newbies!
"I fire you all!" the Lupe screamed, shaking
her paw in the air maniacally.
The horde quieted and then sulkily broke down,
until there was only one pet left. This pet happened to be a little Flotsam
with a crooked fin.
"Oh please, do not fire me," pleaded the crooked
Flotsam. "I need this job to support my mother!"
Yasha sniffed the air pompously. "It's not like
I'd pay you if you were my minion, so this wouldn't support your mother
"Yes... but... but she kicked me out of the house
and said I couldn't come back until I'd proven myself as a minion!" the Flotsam
sobbed. "So I can't go back, and she told me to say it was to support my old
mother but that's just because she's greedy, and, and..." Tears rolled down
the Flotsam's cheeks. "And if I come back now without having even had one minion
job she'll put me in the Pound!" he pleaded. "Please, please, PLEASE hire me?"
Yasha thought for a moment, then shook her head.
"No," she said. "No thanks."
"What?" the Flotsam wailed at this and sobbed
even more furiously. "You can't do this to me, you know! I'll become a famous
minion and when I'm all grown up I'm gonna--"
"I'm going to... go away and cry in a corner
now..." the Flotsam said quietly, realizing that he had lost yet again.
"You do that," Yasha said. She turned to Bo.
"Now what're we going to do? Without minions, I can't take over Neopia, and
without taking over Neopia, I can't save Neopia!"
Bo nodded. He consulted the Mutant Grundo tablecloth
doll he still carried. "We could always go to the giant-ray-blaster idea," he
suggested. "With that, no one would dare defy you!"
Yasha grinned. "Good idea!" she said. "Now all
we have to do is find a place that sells them."
"Oh, I'm sure there are dozens," Bo said. "Come
on, let's go ask that Bori. I bet he knows."
Yasha nodded, and they walked over to consult
with the Bori miner on the whereabouts of shops that sold ray guns.
"Whaddaya want?" the Bori demanded as Yasha and
Bo walked up to him.
"We would like to know where to buy giant ray
guns," said Bo.
The Bori snorted. "And why should I tell ya that?"
"Because if you don't, you'll be the first on
our list to take hostage once we conquer Neopia," Bo warned.
"Once we conquer Neopia, Bo? No, it's
more like once I conquer Neopia!" Yasha screeched and turned towards
the Bori. "When I conquer Neopia, you, you filthy little Bori, will be
the first on my list to take hostage!"
Bo scowled but didn't comment on his pet's comment.
Instead, he told the Bori, "Just tell us where to buy giant ray guns."
The Bori shrugged and slammed his ice pick into
his palm. "I dunno, I ain't big on those ray gun things. I'm just another union
worker - if ya wanna know where to buy ray guns, go to the Weapons Union on
"And where's that?" asked Yasha.
"Oh, that's easy," said the Bori. "Walk out of
here, turn right, walk 2.097 miles, turn right again, walk 4.9101762987 miles,
then go four and a half blocks, and it should be right in front of you. It says
'WEAPONS UNION' in red glitter-glue in the front."
"Thanks!" said Yasha, and then she and Bo were
off once again.
To be continued...