Neopia has been whisked away by the new craze of shooting petpets out of cannons.
Yes, you heard me; people are shooting petpets out of cannons. Most would say
“Why? Why shoot our beloved petpets out of a dirty, stinky, filthy cannon?” I’ll
tell you why. Here are the top ten reasons why shooting your petpet out of a cannon
can be rather enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong, I love anubises, warfs, kookiths,
and slorgs. There are also those cute little-Ahem. Never mind. But there are some
pretty good reasons why those petpets deserve to be shot out of a cannon. A lot
of Neopians think it is cruel and unusual punishment. That’s true. But we can
not forget the good side:
Reason Number Ten: Some petpets, okay, most petpets, are really annoying.
Take the slorg for instance. You spend all day cleaning your neohome, only
to find that your slorg has dirtied it up for you to clean again. Another annoying
petpet is the buzzer. It buzzes so much, that only a pet that is already crazy
won’t be driven crazy by its incessant buzzing. But the most annoying petpet
is probably the kadoatie. Its selfish demands and unceasing cries will drive
people crazier faster than the buzzer!
Reason Number Nine: Petpets are small and coincidentally cannonball sized.
Some Neopians find it disturbing to see it that way, but petpets are just the
right size to fit into a cannon. That is, unless you have a faerie petpet with
enormous wings. And since the new game has come out, someone has been hiding
all of the cannon balls…
Reason Number Eight: Your petpet wants to be a petpet-cannonball in the circus.
Yeah, it’s a little weird. No, it’s really weird. Your petpet wants to be in
the circus? Ha! Dream on. Oh, sorry. Who are we to ruin dreams? The first step
to being in the circus is well, being shot out of a cannon. Why not let your
petpet see if this really is their destiny?
Reason Number Seven: You just won the lottery and can afford a better petpet.
It happens all the time. Some poor Neopian wins the lottery, and discovers
that they don’t need a cheap petpet lying around. They should go buy a new expensive
one to show off. Even if their pet doesn’t like it, at least you can say “Do
YOU have a krawk petpet?” Then you can go shoot the old one out of a cannon
a couple of times. What else would a petpet be good for? (Besides being a petpet.)
Reason Number Six: That snobby petpet of yours is ungrateful.
You can’t take it anymore. You’ve given that petpet every scratching tree,
bathtub, bed, and toy under the sun, and it still acts like it has nothing.
It lives in a room made of asparagus, the most expensive building material in
Neopia for crying out loud! (What else can you use that stuff for? It’s inedible!)
So teach that snobby petpet a lesson by shooting it out of a cannon a few times.
I guarantee it will be very grateful after that.
Reason Number Five: Your pet just got painted and your petpet clashes with
I hate to be superficial, but this is a good reason. Your beloved krawk has
been waiting to be painted faerie for ages. You finally get that paintbrush,
and you now own a faerie krawk. Congratulations! But there’s something wrong.
That pirate meowclops just doesn’t go with the girly-girl look. Make it useful,
and have fun while shooting it out of a cannon. Donate it to the game and you
might earn a few neopoints. *wink*
Reason Number Four: They ate your gourmet food for the trophy.
You have given more than an arm and a leg for all of that gourmet food. You
deserve that trophy more than anyone. Getting ready to feed your pet the food,
you discover a curiously fat warf. How dare that ungrateful, over-fed petpet
eat all of that food? How did it even fit in its stomach? If this isn’t a good
enough reason to shoot it out of a cannon, I have no idea what is.
Reason Number Three: They ripped up your prized, unbuyable Pirate Helmswoman
Wait, I do have another reason. How dare they? You saved up for that plushie
for…forever! Sure, you could put that naughty petpet in a time-out and make
it think about what it did. But the crazier, more fun solution would be to shoot
it out of a cannon. Just think about that torn up unbuyable, and I’m sure you
can do it.
Reason Number Two: Your petpet will not get hurt.
It says it right there on the game page. “NO PETPETS WERE HURT IN THE MAKING
OF THIS GAME”. So why not? I mean, your pet could say to its friends, “My petpet
is famous. He was a Petpet Cannonball.” All your pet’s friends will be jealous.
And now, the reason you are all reading this article, Reason Number One: Your
petpet is a meepit.
Look at those eyes. Something strange and cruel is happening in that meepit’s
brain, right this very second. I bet all they want to do is take over Neopia
and eat all the cheese. Think of the poor cheese! Punish those sinister meepits!
Shoot them out of a cannon! (Even thought they won’t get hurt.)
There you have it. Ten reasons why letting your petpet get shot out of a cannon
can be a fun game. Now, if your petpet fits one of the descriptions above, I
say, go do it. Especially if they fit more than one, or are a meepit. You heard
me, go do it. Why are you still here? Go now!
Author’s Note: No petpets were emotionally scarred in the making of this
article. But don’t remind them of it. Too much pain. Again, why are you still
here? You should be shooting that pesky angelpuss out of a cannon right now!
Hurry, the line is getting bigger!