Fifty Reasons Why Pirates Pwn Thieves
Hey there! It’s TK, your friendly neighborhood idiot (well, if you live anywhere
in the vicinity of Market Square, Neopia Central) with yet another pointless article
to read while you’re waiting for the Wheel of Monotony to stop. Now, I’ve been
around Neopia long enough to witness both the Hannah and the Ice Caves plot and
the current Curse of Maraqua plot (oh yeah, and Battle for Meridell, Champions
of Meridell, and the Volcano Mystery, but I missed Neopets v.2 by a long shot),
and so I like to think I know a substantial amount about the antagonist groups
of each plot, the Thieves’ Guild and Captain Scarblade’s crew, respectively. After
careful observation of and thorough research on both groups (actually, I just
made that up to sound smart—all I really did was skim both stories with my trusty
sidekick, a rather large bag of Cheesy Neos), I have reached a definite conclusion:
Pirates pwn thieves. Without further ado, here’s fifty absolutely logical and
un-debatable reasons why:
1) Many pirates have wooden limbs of some sort, which is awesome.
2) Thieves usually just have a bunch of scars. Lame.
3) Sometimes, pirates even replace their limbs with actual weapons, like that
Cannon Master guy. Innovation at its finest.
4) Thieves use normal, boring weapons, like daggers, which almost everyone
in those medieval/fantasy roleplays on the NeoBoards uses, so they’ve become
5) I forgot to mention pirates’ cool eyepatches. It’s especially fun to watch
them try to swab the decks when they wear one on each eye.
6) Heck, I’m on Maraqua’s side and I still acknowledge the awesomeness of pirates!
7) When Hyren and I were fighting those thieves in the Ice Caves, the thought
of the thieves even being the least bit cool never crossed my mind. Ever.
8) When I tried to interview some thieves at their guild headquarters, I was
promptly kicked out. That made me sad. =(
9) When I tried to interview a pirate crew on their ship, I got to walk on
a long wooden board and then take a nice swim! Those pirates really know how
to treat guests.
10) Pirates loot, pillage, and plunder.
11) Thieves steal.
12) Pirates have the better set of verbs.
13) The pirate dialect is colorful and lively, with all those “yarrs!” and
14) It’s really fun to imitate, too.
15) Thieves pretty much talk like normal Neopians, just a little rough around
16) You can go to any Neopia Central Neoschool to hear Neopets talk like that.
17) Right before they turn you upside-down, shake all of your NP out of your
pockets, and run away laughing.
18) Now you know where they got that random event.
19) Pirates sail the Neopian seas on their mighty ships.
20) Said ships are usually decked out with cannons, which are powerful, cool,
and involve explosions.
21) Explosions are always, ALWAYS important in ANYTHING you happen to be doing.
22) Yes, even playing Petpetsitter. o.O
23) Thieves have no such trademark mode of transportation, being landlocked.
24) Unless they managed to steal one of Virtupets’s spacecrafts.
25) But they’re not smart enough for that.
26) Pirates aren’t much smarter, actually.
27) Okay, intelligence is one area where they’re about equal.
28) Thieves usually try to avoid fights by being as sneaky as possible, so
who says they’re not actually total cowards?
29) Pirates, on the other hand, aren’t ever afraid to hijack the nearest boat
and start a battle of swashbuckling proportions.
30) Swashbuckling—that’s another great verb that’s reserved exclusively for
those pirating folk.
31) Because of thieves’ penchant for robbing any place they happen upon, including
but not limited to castles, mansions, shops, and ancient cursed tombs, they
run a high risk of unleashing something that could threaten the whole of Neopia
(remember the whole Bringer incident? Yeah-huh.).
32) Pirates, on the other hand, pose no such potential danger for a very obvious
reason: when’s the last time you saw an ancient cursed tomb floating around
in the middle of the ocean?
33) On a similar note, being attacked by a thief is pretty likely to happen
to almost every Neopian, because thieves reside everywhere. Yes, even the illustrious
Faerieland, as was proven by the Faerie Thief of Neoquest II fame.
34) But avoiding pirates is no problem at all, because all you have to do is
stay away from the ocean. They won’t even know you (or your valuables) exist.
35) That might make it a little hard to get to Mystery Island, Krawk Island,
or Roo Island if you don’t have a large flying Neopet willing to carry you,
36) And if you happen to live in a houseboat…well, give my regards to Scarblade.
37) There’s usually a lot of betrayal and intrigue among thieves trying to
rise above their peers. Those things are way too confusing for my simple mind
38) I like the way pirates work—you either like your captain or you don’t.
39) If you don’t, you just throw him/her overboard.
40) Unlike the thieves, who are stuck in the sneaky mindset.
41) Simply put, thieves = cunning and slyness.
42) Whereas pirates = brashness and straightforwardness, which is my way of
43) Thieves often employ the use of magic items and spells when doing their
44) Pirates don’t need no stinking magic!
45) Just like I don’t need no stinking grammar lessons. =b
46) With all the equipment thieves carry around all the time, I’m surprised
they haven’t buckled under the weight of it all. And what if they forgot which
pocket they put their lockpick in?
47) Pirates just grab the nearest cutlass and they’re good to go! Such efficiency!
48) Usually, in books, before or during a pirate ship’s appearance, a dramatic
storm starts brewing, and before you know it you’re at the edge of your seat
reading about the awesome battles that take place in the midst of the drenching
downpour of rain, the howling gales that whistle past the sails, and the spectacular
bolts of lightning that even occasionally set a ship on fire, heightening the
intensity of it all!
49) Thieves don’t come with cliché weather effects, making their appearances
50) And, finally, the last and therefore obviously most important reason why
pirates were, are, and will always be better than thieves is because…P comes
before T in the alphabet.
Author-type note: I hope you enjoyed my list! I can’t believe I managed to
come up with fifty whole reasons with only a little filler material! Oh, and if
you happen to like thieves/are a thief, don’t take this article personally. It
was completely humorous, and I actually do hate pirates as much as I hate thieves.
=b I would like to thank my sister, ecks422, for coming up with absolutely nothing
(well, nothing that made the slightest bit of sense) when I asked her for ideas.
And she could have had a shiny trophy for doing a collaboration with me, too.
Oh well, her loss. I would also like to thank everybody who’s ever written a list
article, because they annoyed me so much that I had to make my own. Rock on.