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T.H.U.U.F.T.T.H.I.O.T.N.T.


by rosabellk

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“Two Hundred Unusual Uses for the Two Hundredth Issue of the Neopian Times”

Or,

“THUUFTTHIOTNT” for short.

Today, the air smells a little sweeter. The sun seems to shine a little brighter, the grass feels a little springier beneath your feet, and the birds seem to be singing a little louder. “Shut up!” you joyously call out to them as they pass overhead, because all this loud singing is starting to give you a headache. Yes, it is once again that glorious day: Friday. Publication day.

You, of course, are blissfully striding to your nearest newsstand to pick up that most esteemed of papers, the Neopian Times. Despite nature’s attempts to ruin your day with all this… outdoors (ugh!), you remain unfazed. You begin to salivate in anticipation of the articles, squirm in keenness for the comics, shiver in expectation of the editorial, and shrug halfheartedly at the thought of the short stories; you don’t really like them that much. Finally, you arrive at your destination and see the goal of your quest: a hot dog.

What? You were hungry, so you stopped at Hubert’s. But NOW on to your REAL goal: a soda to wash it down with.

No, you fool, you’re trying to get the Neopian Times, remember?! Sheesh! With your destination refreshed and a hot dog in hand, you continue on your journey. At long last, you reach the newsstand. Wiping your hands on your shirt to prevent any mustard from staining your precious Times, you approach the counter. Your trembling hand reaches for the paper, and suddenly… you snag it!

Yes! You have succeeded! You quickly scarper away, eager to explore this newfound wonder. After returning home, you sit down in your second-favorite chair (your favorite one’s being repaired) and savor the moment. You sniff the beautiful, delicate scents of ink and paper exuding from the treasure. You lovingly stroke the page, feeling the warmth of the presses. Finally, you look at the front page (don’t ask me why you didn’t look at it before) and notice something… different.

“Our Two Hundredth Edition!” it triumphantly declares. Puzzled, you peer at it further. Apparently, the publication is celebrating some sort of achievement. But now you are perplexed. You know exactly what to do with normal issues of the Times, but this is a new situation altogether. You start to tremble; you weren’t prepared for this! Your eyes glaze over in shock; a small whimper escapes your lips; you begin to sob.

“What, oh what am I supposed to do with the two hundredth issue of the Neopian Times?” you cry out! “Is there no one who can help me? Not a single person who knows how to handle this dilemma?”

Never fear, Times lover, for we, rosabellk and dragonx325, are here to aid you! We have compiled a comprehensive list of two hundred unusual uses for the two hundredth issue of the Neopian Times (THUUFTTHIOTNT). The activities on this list range from the whimsical to the absurd to the downright goofy, but they are all guaranteed to use the two hundredth issue of the Times in some way. (Well, they aren’t really guaranteed; we can think of at least a dozen that don’t use the issue, but it’s the thought that counts.) So enjoy, Times lover, and always remember this: Don’t try these at home. Well, if you really, really want to try them at home, you can. Just don’t blame us for the results.

1. Do absolutely nothing with it. Nothing at all. Don’t even pick it up; just let it lie there.

2. Spend hours carefully folding it into beautiful origami for the random contest and then suddenly remember that that one’s already over.

3. Teach yourself to juggle three of them.

4. Use it to lose 20 pounds in 5 days! Evens tone and whitens your smile! All this and more! Call now!

5. Take it to a nice restaurant. Unfortunately, you’ll have to pay.

6. Tear it into strips and build a wonderful piñata for the random conte – wait, that one’s over, too?!

7. Get a whole bunch of them and build a 1:1 scale model of Neopia!

8. Replace plushies’ stuffing with torn up newspaper and make millions in the second-hand stuffing business.

9. Invent a revolutionary newspaper-based pudding.

10. Or a newspaper-based flan.

11. Or even a cake!

12. But not newspaper muffins. No way.

13. Read every other word. See _ you _ understand _ of _ stories. Not that easy, eh?

14. Teach it to compose catchy jingles.

15. Cut out unrelated words and stick them together at random to make the next great Neopian novel! Hey, if a thousand Myncis with a thousand typewriters can do it…

16. Stick it in your ear. (Disclaimer: authors takes no responsibility for newspaper-related ear injuries)

17. Hurl it into the ocean as a dramatic act of defiance.

18. Squish two of them together, trying to get them to fuse into one mutant super-paper! Muahahaha!!

19. Read it. Twenty times. Backwards. On your head. Underwater.

20. Plant it to grow a Neopian Times tree; have the best Neogarden on the block.

21. Use it as bait to get that elusive fishing avatar!

22. Make a rather stylish hat.

23. Tour around Neopia with it, playing all your classic hits.

24. Then, ten years later, time for a reunion tour!

25. Fashion a crude bow and arrows out of it and hunt big game in Tyrannia.

26. Wear it as a necktie.

27. Walk around holding it upside-down and revel in others’ stares.

28. Or, revel in it directly: get a big pile of the Times, jump in, and… revel.

29. Sloth won’t splat himself…

30. Neither will Kass.

31. Eat it. It’s delicious.

32. See if it sticks to various objects.

33. Poke it. Twice.

34. Or thrice, if you prefer.

35. Use it to get the Snowager’s treasure. Somehow. Hey, you’ve got to do some of the work yourself!

36. Wear it as a suit. And hope it doesn’t rain.

37. Poke other things with it. Twice.

38. But NOT thrice! Oh, please not thrice!!

39. Train it to bring in the newspaper for you! Wait…

40. Dress it up in a tux and top hat. Then give it tiny little tap shoes and watch it dance. Well, it might happen.

41. Give it to the Lawyerbot.

42. Give it to the Tombola man.

43. Give it to Kelpbeard.

44. Give it to (insert random Neopian here).

45. Drape it over your head, stick your arms out, and run around shouting “fish sticks!”

46. Make a non-functioning trampoline out of it.

47. Use it as a towel. You’ll be one hoopy frood with your own Neopian Times towel!

48. Cover your room with sheets from it. Now you have wallpaper that you can read!

49. If you’ve kept one copy of each issue so far, that’s 200 more items towards the packrat avatar.

50. Cut it up to make hundreds of business cards which you can hand out to everyone you meet.

51. Perform several scientific experiments to determine whether or not the Neopian Times floats. Actually, that would only take one experiment…

52. Draw a face on it – now you have a new best friend

53. Pull it along in a wagon.

54. Wonder why it won’t pull you along in the wagon in return.

55. Gather a whole bunch of them to make a gallery that will win the gallery spotlight!

56. Write an insightful, best-selling biography on its life.

57. Ball it up and throw it at your enemies.

58. Throw it at your friends as well.

59. Fold it into a flower.

60. Fold it into a different type of flower.

61. Yes, numbers 59 and 60 are different!

62. And yes, number 61 counts too.

63. And so does 62.

64. Melt it – or at least try to.

65. Dig a deep, deep pit and bury it, never to see it again.

66. Use it to brush your teeth. Eww…

67. Bat at it idly. So entertaining… *drools*

68. Write haikus on it:

Neopian Times:

Stories, comics, and much more;

Delivered weekly.

69. Write limericks on it:

There once was a paper: the Times.

They never had any wind chimes.

This poem makes no sense,

Even less that a fence,

But now I must find “times”’ rhymes.

hmm… maybe not.

70. Write sonnets on it. (You don’t honestly expect me to write one now, do you?!)

71. Laugh at it. Or chuckle, guffaw, titter – whatever suits you best.

72. Give it a time-out: it’s been very naughty.

73. Use it as a plate. A floppy, leaking, non-food-holding plate.

74. Throw it in a blender and whip up a mean NT smoothie.

75. Play Kacheek seek with it: hide somewhere and don’t move a muscle until it finds you. Yeah, good luck with that one.

76. Stuff it to make your own Neopian Times plushie!

77. Give it an eye patch and plunder the seven seas together. Arr!

78. Teach it to play the banjo.

79. Use it to make a parachute for your petpet, then hurl it off Terror Mountain! (note: don't try this one if you’re too attached to your petpet.)

80. Have it star in the next plot – at least it’d be better than Hannah.

81. Use the hidden code embedded in this very article to discover a dark secret, shrouded in mystery…

82. I’m just kidding, there’s no hidden code.

83. Or is there?

84. No, there really isn’t. I’m serious.

85. Or am I?

86. Rub it with asparagus and watch as Adam tries to eat it.

87. Smash it with a hammer!

88. Then apologize profusely to it.

89. Stare at it through your pocket microscope going “hmmm? hmmm!”

90. Use it as a paperweight.

91. If you actually did try to use it as a paperweight, know that I’m laughing at you right now.

92. Hurl it into the air as hard as you can.

93. Make a cute little tent for your evil fuzzles.

94. Fire up the grill and enjoy a tasty NT-kabob.

95. Form a grandiose bust of yourself from it.

96. Or, better yet, form a bust of Snowflake because she’s so amazing. (Hey, a bit of flattery never hurt!)

97. Invent a machine that turns newspapers into… umm… pottery. So you’ll have lots of… pottery. Yeah.

98. Three words: Neopian Times paintbrush.

99. Cover it in overcooked carrots.

100. Yes! Halfway there!

101. Start up a shop that sells the Times, for those people who are sick and tired of getting it for free.

102. Run away from it as fast as you possibly can!

103. Memorize the entire issue.

104. Throw a Neopian Times appreciation party!

105. Use it to wipe some of the snot off Meuka. Eww…

106. Mystically predict the future via its magical powers.

107. Wherever danger arises, Times Man is on the way!

108. I’m too lazy to do number 108. Deal with it.

109. Stare at it for days until you go insane.

110. Fold it in half.

111. Fold it into quarters.

112. Fold it into eighths.

113. I doubt you’ll be able to fold it much more than that, unless you’re very strong or very skilled at folding newspapers.

114. Hide it from the Meepits! Do it quickly: they’re coming!!

115. Pull it out of a hat. Ta da!

116. Drop it into a bottomless pit OF DOOM!!!

117. Abbreviate every word in it (abbev. ev. wrd. i. i.).

118. Or, take the last letter from each word to make a very interesting acronym (REETRMHDOEAYGM).

119. Paint it a lovely shade of chartreuse.

120. Zap it with the lab ray! What will happen? Your guess is as good as mine.

121. Actually my guess is better since I’m just awesome like that.

122. A new game! “Hannah and the Neopian Times Caves”!

123. Or “200m Neopian Times Dash”.

124. How about “Attack of the Neopian Times”?

125. Or even “Grand Theft Neopian Times”.

126. But “Neopian Times-O-Match” is pushing it.

127. And “Neopian TimesQuest” is just too much. Sorry.

128. Whack Arnold with it until he gives you the Test Your Strength jackpot.

129. Give it two hoochie coochie tablets and call me in the morning.

130. Construct a simple farm implement out of it.

131. Use it to make a suit of armor for yourself! Paper is the new iron, you know.

132. Sauté it for a few minutes on medium-high – just until the sugars start to caramelize and it turns golden-brown; it will release a wonderful odor.

133. Or it could burn in the pan – cook it just until the fibers start to carbonize and it turns blackish-black; it probably won’t smell that great, either.

134. It’s the incredible Neopian Times trading card! Which is basically just a normal copy of the Times, but you can, umm… trade it.

135. Make a pyramid out of your old issues, large enough to rival that of Sutek himself!

136. Sell them door-to-door.

137. Cut out really big eyebrow shapes and glue them over your own eyebrows.

138. Ask Hubert to make you a Neopian Times hotdog.

139. Pretend it’s a wild animal and make a documentary about it: “This here is the rare and dangerous Neopian Times in its natural habitat. Now, I’m going to approach very carefully… Ahh! Me leg! It’s got me leg!!”

140. Show it off to all your friends and neighbors!

141. Travel to Maraqua with it. Actually, on second though, maybe you should keep it above water…

142. Read it to pass the time while waiting for the Wheel of Monotony to stop.

143. Bring it to the Toy Shop and demand that the shopkeeper buy it from you “for Piñata Making Supplies”.

144. Bring it the Furniture Store and demand the shopkeeper buy it from you “because I’m so cool”.

145. Then get kicked out of the shop.

146. What could be better than your own NT sponge? Well, quite a few things, in fact.

147. Cut out pictures from the comics to make wanted posters for fictional characters. Watch as people search in vain! Muahahaha!!

148. Shred it to make literary confetti.

149. Name it Bob.

150. Make the first ever Neopian Times line of clothing.

151. Pile up a few for the Shop Wizard to stand on so he doesn’t have to feel so short.

152. Use it as a Battledome item; be the envy of all your friends!

153. Use it as a toy; be the envy of all your friends!

154. Use it as a screwdriver; be the envy of all your friends!

155. Use it as an envy-getter; be the envy of all your friends!

156. Put it in a cup and try to drink it.

157. Line your Meepit’s cage with it.

158. Throw away everything but the comics and this *amazing* article.

159. Fold a paper airplane out of it; Kreludor, here I come!

160. Put it on the floor, then stomp on it.

161. Line YOUR cage with it.

162. “What do you mean this isn’t the item you asked for, Jhudora? I heard you say very clearly ‘The Neopian Times.’ Incurring your wrath? That doesn’t sound good.”

163. Put it on the ceiling, and watch it fall down.

164. Then put it back up, and watch it fall down again!

165. And again!

166. And again!

167. And one last time.

168. Make 200th Neopian Times commemorative gumballs. They’ll sell like hotcakes. Or at least like hot gumball-cakes.

169. Throw it at someone who you think needs something thrown at them.

170. Wait, that should read “Throw it at someone to whom you think something needs to be thrown.” Don’t you love grammar?

171. Stare at it for three hours and then ponder on how pointless it was to stare at it for three hours.

172. Use it as a blanket, and wake up to find yourself black and white and read all over.

173. Buy multiple copies of it, hold on to them for a few years, and then sell them as antiques for a rather large profit.

174. Take it to Coltzan's Shrine and demand that you better get a few dubloons this time. Wait… why'd you need the paper for that?!

175. Buy many and make a comfy hammock.

176. Convince your friends that a 'ship in a bottle' doesn't need to have a ship. It’s a newspaper in a bottle! How did they get it in there?

177. Tie a string to it – presto! It’s a kite.

178. Provide a shelter to homeless petpets by tossing it on the ground as a tent.

179. Get a fine for littering with your 200th Issue of the Neopian Times by throwing it on the ground. Voluntarily pay extra because it's the best issue yet.

180. Crumple it into a ball and switch it with the Mynci Beach Volleyball’s ball.

181. Try to make Neopia's first ever Neopian Times Chair out of it. Bonus points if it actually works.

182. Put sticky-notes all over it, just because it's fun.

183. Take all the sticky-notes back off of it, just because you got bored with them.

184. Make a purse out if. Or, if you're a guy, make a glittery purse out of it.

185. Convince the Clothes Shop shopkeeper that your new line of Neopian Times purses will be a huge hit; advise her to buy at least five thousand.

186. Use it as a shield when the shopkeeper tries to throw you out the door.

187. Cut it up into tiny circles and claim they’re Neopoints.

188. Roll it up into a tube and blow spitballs at your least-favorite Neo-Teacher.

189. Roll it up to use as a voice-enhancer to yell at whoever invented the tacky word 'Neo-Teacher'... Hah, wonder who that could be... *hides*

190. Use it as your “I’m literate!” avatar.

191. Write a protest sign on it and picket the NT headquarters, demanding that they waste less paper. They can print the Times on rocks or something.

192. Realize that you just wasted paper by making that sign and go cry in a corner (using the Neopian Times to wipe your tears, of course).

193. Decide that crying in a corner is wimpy and go cry in the middle of the room, flinging the Times around dramatically.

194. Hide under it when you’re chased by the angry people whom you disturbed by crying in the middle of their room. They’ll never find you.

195. Well, they found you. However, thinking quickly, you use it to slide down a snowy hill. In July. Somehow. Yeah.

196. Flip it over and write all your evil, mastermind schemes to take over Neopia. Wait, there’s print on both sides of the page. This could be a problem.

197. Wear it on your head as a fashion statement, not realizing that the message you’re stating is “I’m stupid enough to put a newspaper on my head”.

198. Decide that you’re not fashionable enough to wear it on your head. Instead, you can wear it on your feet!

199. Walk all over Neopia in your fancy new Neopian Times shoes. You probably won’t get very far, though.

200. Use the two hundredth issue as an excuse to dance a stylish jig. Twice!

     The light finally dawns on you; you now know what to do with this issue! You try to speak, but find yourself overcome with emotion. At last, you manage a muffled “thank you,” and hurry off into the distance, your head full of plans. The two authors smile at each other and shake hands; another informative mission successfully completed.

And now to be serious for a moment. And to stop talking in the second person. The Neopian Times has brought us happiness for two hundred issues now – a tremendous milestone. Its scope is so small (but hopefully large enough to squeeze this article in), yet its impact is enormous. Because every time we are enlightened by an editorial or spellbound by a series or chuckle at a comic, our burden of daily stress is lifted a little. We can relax and allow ourselves to become enchanted by the fiction which from the Times doth outpour, if you’ll pardon my olde English. And so, in conclusion, thank you, Neopian Times, for helping to make life a little more enjoyable.

     And now for the thank-yous. The authors, of course, wish to thank each other for their superb work; thank the Times, as previously mentioned, for being the wonderful publication that it is; thank all our buddies in the GSC (spotlights and galleries chat) for their help and input; and finally, last but not least, no one’s probably reading this last bit. Actually, I can write whatever I want. Fish. Shoes, crumpet. Wax? Xylophone. Thank you, and good night!

 
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