Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 129,296,931 Issue: 201 | 29th day of Swimming, Y7
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No Petpets Were Injured in the Firing of This Cannon


by numbertwelve

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KRAWK ISLAND - Let me begin this article by introducing myself. My name is Kinjae the Lupe and I am an honorary member of a Neopian group known as the Petpet Protection League. I am also a rookie journalist looking to get my first story published here in the Neopian Times. If you are reading this, then my mission has been a smashing success!

Anyway, let me get on to the point of this article. As a member of the aforementioned organization I was appalled when I learned of a new craze sweeping the nation of Krawk Island: Petpet Cannonball!

Agh! Just hearing those two words together makes me cringe. The thought of launching a helpless Petpet from the barrel end of a cannon without so much as a helmet...it is an atrocity to say the very least.

Needless to say I trekked/swam/sailed/etc. all the way to Krawk Island with one mission in mind: find the creator of this terrible/awful/horrible/maniacal game and release my wrath upon him...or something along those lines.

Upon reaching the Island and finding the Neopian behind Petpet Cannonball, I decided it was a better tactic to speak with the massive fellow instead of unleashing the aforementioned ‘wrath’ upon him. His name was Captain Pucebeard, as terrible and frightening a Krawk as any I had ever seen.

Below I have included a somewhat condensed version of our conversation for your enjoyment!

Kinjae (who from this point forth shall be referred to simply as ‘Me’): So I hear that you have created a new and wonderful game in which you fire helpless Petpets from the barrel end of a cannon?

Captain Pucebeard (who from this point forth shall be referred to simply as ‘CP’ because typing out Captain Pucebeard a dozen or so times could become tedious just like this explanation for the use of the shortened form of his name): Yup.

(I decided it was important to make note at this point that CP is not a very chatty fellow.)

Me: So, you light a fuse right next to the Petpet's posterior. The fuse burns down, then it ignites the powder at the end of the cannon, and an explosion launches the Petpet through the air towards a wooden bucket? Is that correct?

CP: Arrr, tis true!

Me: As an honorary member of the wonderfully awesome Petpet Protection League it appalls me that such behaviour should be allowed to go on unchecked.

CP: Yarr, read that there disclaimer.

Me: No Petpets were hurt in the making of this game...

CP: Arrrr! Har har! Ain’t nothing you can do about that! Yarrr!

Me: Brilliant. What exactly was involved in the ‘making of this game?’ Wheeling a cannon up close to a barrel hung between two posts on the deck of a ship? OF COURSE no Petpets were hurt in the making of this game, it's the PLAYING of this game that I have a problem with...

CP: Yarrr, me thinks ye like the sound of your own voice!

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

CP: Har har! Tis true! Yer all talk and not a bit of action!

Me: All right, that's just about enough! I insist that you stop playing this terrible game immediately.

CP: Arrrr, or else what?

Me: Or else...I’ll...tell on you...

CP: Har har! Yer nothing but a lilly livered land lubber!

(At this point it was time to take drastic action. I had no choice but to sink to the level of a pirate!)

Me: Fine. If I beat you at a game of Petpet Cannonball, you will never play another game again. But, if you beat me, I will leave you alone to shoot your Petpets all over this blasted ship!

CP: Do ye know who yer challenging? I be Captain Pucebeard, one of the most feared pirates on Krawk Island!

Me: Blah, blah, blah...

CP: Yarr! What did ye say!?

Me: Nothing.

CP: Har har, don’t lie to me! I heard ye, ye said something...

Me: I said I want to use a Babaa as my cannonball.

CP: Arrr, fair enough then.

What followed was one of the most intense games of Petpet Cannonball the Krawk Islandians had ever witnessed. They had no idea that I had been trained in all manner of weaponry and was particular skilled with frost cannons. These clunky pirate cannons were very similar and thus, after falling behind in the early goings, I managed to close the gap and actually beat the good Captain by 200 points. Here is the conversation that followed...

CP: Yarr! Ye’ve won fair and square. I shall order a halt on all games of Petpet Cannonball.

Me: What are you crazy!? That was so much fun! Let's play again!

CP: But, yarrr, yer a Petpet Protection League Honorary Member...

Me: Arrrr! Tis true, but alas this game is far too fun and the disclaimer does state that no Petpets were hurt in the making of this game!

CP: Yarrr, but ye said before...

Me: Enough buts, let's blast some Petpets out of the barrel end of a cannon!

CP: Yarrrr...

And on that fateful day my honorary status as a member of the Petpet Protection League was revoked. I would be reinstated two days later, once other members of the Petpet Protection League became equally addicted to the fantastic new game; Petpet Cannonball.

So show your Petpet you love them and fire them out of the barrel end of a high-powered cannon. They’ll thank you for your kindness when they finally scramble all the way back from wherever you fired them to...

For the Neopian Times and the Petpet Protection League, this is Kinjae the Lupe. I hope you have enjoyed reading this article and if you see any atrocious Petpet mishandling in your neighbourhood please write me a letter and I shall look in to it for you. If the Petpet mishandling involves another new and highly addictive Neopets game, however, I would send your letter elsewhere.

Thank you all for your time. I hope you were all highly enlightened! Please go and become addicted to Petpet Cannonball just as I have!

-Kinjae

 
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