Instructions For Giving your Kougra a Pill

by pyjama_fairy

1. Pick Kougra up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of Kougra's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the Kougra opens its mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow Kougra to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle Kougra in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve Kougra from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle Kougra in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from Koi bowl and Kougra from top of wardrobe. Call Neofriend from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with Kougra wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by Kougra. Get Neofriend to hold Kougra's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub Kougra's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve Kougra from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap Kougra in large towel and get Neofriend to lie on Kougra with its head just visible from below Neofriend's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force Kougra's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to Neofriends's forearm and remove stains from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve Kougra from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place Kougra in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Jetsam T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring Earth Faerie to retrieve Kougra from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid Kougra. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie Kougra's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force Kougra's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get Neofriend to drive you to Neopian hospital; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for the Gelert Doctor to make a house call.