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Evil Overlording For Dummies - The Secret Manuscripts of Dr. Frank Sloth: Part Two by littlelysshu |
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Click here to see how this story started! Preparing For Badness Being an Evil Overlord or Overlady takes a lot of preparation. You cannot just wake up one morning and decide "I think I'll rule the world today", and expect to have fully executed a coup before lunch. Before you do ANYTHING, in fact, there are several crucial decisions to make. I will outline these decisions, and give several tips to help you make the right ones. Step One: The Evil Overlord Alias This is perhaps the most important step in becoming an Evil Overlord. You must NEVER use your real name unless, like myself, you are naturally endowed with a name that strikes fear into the hearts of others and comes accompanied by dramatic music and flashes of lightning. Your name should be simple, appropriate for your particular style of overlording, and, overall, EVIL. Here are some examples of Overlord Names, and my evaluations thereof: Darth Vader: Good. The first name "Darth" is something that must be handled carefully, however. "Darth Board" would not work, nor would anything too obvious like "Darth Maul" or "Darth Sidious." Dr. Evil: Ridiculous. Putting "Evil" in your evil overlord alias will just get you laughed out of the Unholy Order of Water Gnus, the international club for the discerning villain. Prince Charles of Wales: While this is likely an excellent evil overlord alias, it is taken. Still, such unassuming names CAN and DO work, in the right circumstances. Sauron: Excellent. Anything that means evil, or any form thereof in another language is a definite plus. Besides, one-word names work so well. I mean, look what they've done for Madonna…who as everyone who's anyone knows would make a wonderful Evil Overlady. Whichever name you choose it must announce "I WILL RULE YOU ALL WITH AN IRON FIST AND OBSCENE, UNNECESSARY CRUELTY." Which reminds me, Marquis de Sade II and Vlad the Impaler II are both wonderful ideas for evil overlord names, as is anything "MacBeth." Step Two: The Evil Overlord Ensemble Your Evil Overlord costume is another very important step. First impressions count, after all. Black, while a bit passé is still very appropriate sometimes. I would advise against wearing leather unless you plan to carry a sword and use it to slay those who oppose you. An outfit appropriate to your name, much like a superhero, always works. For example, if you are calling yourself "Dr." something, a lab coat or even bloody scrubs can be useful. Something not to do is to have your mother make your evil overlord costume. She will most likely do up something pink with bunny ears and footy pajama bottoms in it. This is, needless to say, the fastest way to end your career as an Evil Overlord, and get yourself laughed out of the galaxy. Also, make sure it fits you well. Nothing says "amateur" like an evil overlord wannabe coming in wearing a suit that is either too tight or that hangs off of him like a tent. And for you ladies; the Catwoman look is out (and copyrighted), but I highly recommend something that includes shoes with high spiked heels. After all it's much easier to look down on your subjects if you physically tower over them. Step Three: Selecting A Sidekick Now I confess this isn't always necessary. I, personally, prefer to have armies of minions rather than one sidekick. For some evil overlords however, having someone to take the blame, or take a bullet for them is a must. There are three basic types of sidekicks; consorts, lackeys and apprentice. Consorts are what the little wife or little husband would be. No other kind of sidekick requires the kind of implicit trust and unquestioned loyalty that a consort does. After all, you tell things to a spouse or significant other that nobody else ever hears. These are the most difficult to maintain, and you could lose your shirt in a divorce…but if you can manage it a consort can be an excellent second pair of hands. A lackey is just that. Think of Decoy. This is the person who takes the fall and does your stunts, as well as your wash and your income tax. A Lackey is probably the best kind of sidekick. They endure the most abuse, and you don't have to do a thing for them but give them a vague promise of power once you come to dominion. An apprentice is exactly what the name implies. They're a little upstart you're training to someday be as evil as you are. They can be infinitely valuable, both as cannon fodder and as spies…especially if nobody knows they're your secret sidekick. Unfortunately, you have to TEACH them things, and try and make up excuses for their tasks to tie them into the lessons. Like if you need your spaceship waxed, tell them you're teaching them a new fighting technique. Whichever kind of sidekick you choose, keep the following things in mind. NEVER choose someone more intelligent or more evil than you. If you do, they will usurp your power, possibly take your life and generally mess you over six ways to Sunday. NEVER choose someone completely vapid. They will be of little use except as bait, distraction or shield…and will most likely be duped by the good guys into telling your secrets. If you're an Evil Overlord with a Consort, make sure s/he looks good. It's just traditional, and s/he makes a better distraction that way. Above all, be sure to choose someone as devoted to your rise to evil dominion as you are. Step Three: Selecting Your Evil Over-Locale This is the final step in your initial preparation. There are many factors to consider in deciding WHERE you wish to conquer, especially if you're a young, aspiring tyrant without the resources of an established dominion to back you up. Firstly, check out the existing government. Is it large? Small? A monarchy or a democracy? How corrupt is it? Is there another evil overlord or lady already in residence? If there IS by chance an evil overlord or lady already established there I'd wait before I took them on. Usually the good guys and the good governments are easier to take out than a preordained Evil Overlord. Remember…in the words of the immortal Dark Helmet: "Evil will always triumph; because good is dumb!" How happy are the people with the established government? It is always best to find a kingdom (or hey even an entire world) where the people are on the edge of rebellion. Somewhere that already has revolting peasants is ideal. Yes I know, ALL peasants are revolting…but search out the especially rank ones. Oh and don't go up against anarchists…they're far too stubborn and will eat you for breakfast. Secondly, what is the size and location of the place you seek to conquer? For a first outing I highly recommend some small out-of-the-way planet or country. Somewhere without a highly-developed culture and tons of natural resources is ideal. The Grundo homeworld for example was a wonderful way for me to begin my Reign of Terror. These small beginnings can also provide you slaves, conscripts, wealth and other resources needed to take on someplace larger. If, by chance, you DO want to take on a large country first, I recommend find somewhere with a sluggish and bloated bureaucracy. Infiltrate the government, and eventually set yourself up as the head of it. Yes I know it takes time and is not good for the impatient Overlord. But for those with a long potential life span and no plans for August, this can be a very satisfying way to go. So there you have it; those are the first three basic steps to prepare to begin your career as an Evil Overlord. In the next chapter I'll show you how to establish your evil overlording habits before you ever leave your home. But for now, here's a little something to ruminate on. Top Ten Evil Overlord Names NOT To Choose: 10) The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Darkness Next Week: World Domination Begins at Home... |
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