100 Ways To Tell If You're Addicted To The Times
|NOTE: The following article contains information, text, and humor-read at your
own risk. Some people have addictions. Actually, not addictions-more like obsessions.
Obsessions with food, items, even winning.
DEEP CATACOMBS - For example, I have a liking for Quiggles-ok, okay…I have
an obsession for Quiggles. The look of them, the smell of them, the texture
of them…it's astounding. Quiggles are my favorite pets, and I love them. However,
I've loved them so much that I've grown an addiction for them.
Yes, it's true, the slightest things captivate some people, and once they've
experienced them for the first time, they're addicted. I can tell you names
and names of people I know who have developed a craving for anything. Some people,
the normal ones, collect items that have to do with Lupes. Others, the slightly
more obsessed ones, desire potions and collectable cards. And then there are
the addicted ones, who are slaves to any items that are off-white or manila
(cream just won't cut it).
However, it's mean for me to call them abnormal, when they're addictions are
just as important as anyone else's, whether it be regular items or the more
Okay, enough about the different habits people have with different things-I'm
mainly writing this so that I can warn you about a deadly addiction, the worst
one of all really: The Neopian Times. *pause for laughter-continue* Sadly, the
Neopian Times can be extremely unhealthy and/or dangerous to your health (perhaps
even detrimental to your physical condition).
But what are the symptoms of this harmful obsession-or perhaps, disease? Well,
with the help of some good friends of mine, I've compiled a list of the top
100 ways to tell you're addicted to The Neopian Times. Read it, and perhaps
you can alter the fate of someone doomed to be addicted to The Neopian Times.
100 Ways To Tell If You're Addicted To The Times
100. When you know all the characters ever used by your favorite author.
99. When you can list every article/story/comic in a given issue.
97. You spam Felicia with millions of love letters everyday.
96. When you end every sentence with Nifty.
95. When you've written a story/comic about The Neopian Times editor.
94. When you don't read your homework assignment cause you're too busy reading
93. When you've worn out the mouse hitting refresh late Saturday night.
92. When you have twenty+ Dr. Death plushies or Neopian Times Issue 3s in your
91. When you can tell a certain writer was having difficulties writing an article/story/comic.
90. When you can add more to this list.
89. When you write the local paper, demanding they rename themselves as "Neopia's
Fill in the Blank News Source ".
88. Your NeoHome comes complete with a basement shrine to The Neopian Times
87. When you hardly ever get inspiration for non-Neopets stories anymore.
86. You spend millions of points trying to sponsor the latest issue of the Times.
85. You draw fan art every waking moment, well, almost...
84. When you can pronounce Chiropteric.
83. When you know what Chiropteric means.
82. When you can pronounce "Neopian" with a British accent.
81. When you haven't been published (yet), but pretend you have been.
80. When your favourite Times writer/artist has a restraining order against
79. When you end up at the school office because you beat up a guy who said
The Neopian Times was incredibly stupid.
78. When the teacher asks you to do an essay on a famous artist and your essay
is titled: "Oddhatter".
77. When you do a report about the life of Shankly Holmes.
76. When you have copies of your strips/articles printed out and framed on your
wall above the computer.
75. When you're almost positive that the Evil Meerca Plushie is out to demoralize
74. When you cry because you've only gotten 60 fan mails this week.
73. When your short story is no longer short.
72. When you sit in front the computer, waiting for the next part of your favorite
series to come out.
71. When you sit in front the computer, reading the next part of your favorite
series that just came out.
70. When you decide to quit because your short story didn't get in, but find
yourself reading the Neopian times within the next 10 seconds.
69. When the F5 button is broken because you've been trying to get those Neopian
Times Issue 3s from the Money Tree.
68. You read the old times over and over again and memorize every piece by heart.
67. When 'oddhatter' and 'tdyans' are just everyday words.
66. When you wish the editorial didn't exist at all, for many, many reasons...
65. When you start complaining to your teacher about not fixing "color" to "colour"
on a test or quiz.
64. When you write about the first time you got published in the Times.
63. You could've sworn you saw Harry the Grarrl outside your window.
62. When you capture people and lock them in your basement, making them read
the Times over and over until they memorize it (and then once they do, they
must recite every issue for you before they may be sent back into the wild).
61. When that seems normal and not the least bit crazy.
60. When you want to take Lupology as your college major.
59. When you have a shop full of plushies that represent Neopian Times Characters.
58. When you join a guild, and hang out on a message board all about the 'Times...
57. When you flip through your local newspaper's comic section looking for Poor
Dr.Death or Really Confused.
56. When your normal routine consists of reading every Neopian Times issue each
55. When you try to hire Monokeras to solve a crime for you.
54. You know the complete URL of all your entries.
53. When you spend almost every spare moment you have reading/writing for the
52. When you're nearly in tears because you can't think of some else to interview
for Background Voices of Neopia. 51. You try to illustrate Memoirs of a Turmaculus.
50. When you're half-way through an article entitled "100 Ways To Tell If You're
Addicted To The Times."
49. You doodle Babaas in Geometry class. (It's been done-believe me.)
48. When you print out every Poor Dr_Death comic ever made.
47. When you mark weekends on your calendar as "Waiting For/Reading The Times
Days," and weekdays as "Fretting Over Whether Or Not I've Been Accepted," days.
46. You can't sleep at night because you're freaking out if you didn't get published.
45. When you can hold intellectual debates over an article topic.
44. When you have so many ways of liking the Times too much that you put them
in a list.
43. When your excuses from not being in school turn from "I had a cold" to "I
was keeping the best newspaper in Neopia alive by writing/drawing a submission!"
42. When you can recite the issues at least 10 authors were first published
41. If you've gotten over 30 things published into The Neopian Times… or more.
40. When you go Josh stalking in college campuses.
39. When you send five or more submissions in a single week.
38. You've been in the Times more than 3 times in the same issue.
37. You parody TV shows and movies in the Times.
36. 2 or more of your pets/children are named after your favorite stories.
35. When you claim to have seen Josh at an amusement park. (What a day THAT
34. When you honor Mr. Shankly with many piles of dung.
33. When you call your teacher Dr. Al the Chia.
32. When you start making up very random songs about The Neopian Times.
31. When you eat a fattening chocolate cake and say "Mmm, asparagus..."
30. You can count the number of auto-responses you've ever received.
29. When you are positive that Jhudora is not evil, merely misunderstood.
28. You constantly write down ideas for a good article-and never write it.
27. If you consider some Times authors to be closer to you than "real life"
26. Chet Flash is the name of your imaginary friend.
25. You have a bunch of articles/stories/comics that haven't been published
or finished yet.
24. When you write the title of a story for school and put 'By: your username'.
23. When the Governor General in 1947 was Josh F. according to your history
22. When you measure time in the number of issues that have been published.
21. You pretend that you're one of the characters in The Neopian Times…
19. When you refer to your sheep as Bucky or Moo.
18. When you feel a need to document in a literary manner every event in your
pet's lives - including lab ray transformations, Tombola visits and Faerie quests.
17. You claim that Josh ate your homework.
16. When you rewrite/reuse characters from your Times writings for class.
15. You can count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds from the last new issue
14. You can count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds left till the new issues
13. When you have "Frankly, Mr. Shankly" by the Smiths on your MP3 list.
12. When you nominate Al the Chia for the Nobel Prize in Lupology.
11. When you read an article like this and actually think of things to add.
10. You change around famous quotes of the deceased so that you can get the
Quote of the Week.
9. When you almost stepped on a snowflake on your way to school and said "sorry".
8. At the end of each series you read, you feel like you've lost meaning to
your life… until next week.
7. When you spend over an hour a night staring unblinkingly at the computer
screen writing for the Times.
6. When you use words like "piffle" and "meep" in everyday conversation.
5. If you scream when the NT comes out later than Sunday.
4. When you hand in a printed version of your NT story for a writing project.
3. Your friends rename you "Tagline."
2. When you go to the NeoPets office to remind Donna about the editorial.
1. When you write an article about how addicted you are to the Times.
Author's Note: Hopefully, you all found this article funny, humorous, and
very tasty. I'd like to thank the following people for making this award-I mean,
article-possible: Kiddo, Linnen Potter, sol_luna_estrella, Megz, oddhatter,
LDF, ember, Jessie, Noremac, Lapin, Leb, Charizard, too_kule, starhamster, peachifruit,
Mushroom, tdyans, stoneman3x, tracypaper, poy, Patjade, sticky, Shidi, rishiy,
and mastermund. They made up nearly all of the article (except for the EXTREMELY
well-written and hilarious introduction and some great symptoms listed XD).
To all of them, thank you, keep writing more! And to all of you: Meep.