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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 8th day of Running, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 80 > Articles > Cooking With Dung

Cooking With Dung

by rodawig

Untitled Document NEOHOME KITCHEN - Warning: I actually became nauseous writing this article. Be wary of reading right before or after a meal (or anytime, really).

Before you do anything, such as start cooking, buy loads of the stuff, or call the Chia police, you need to understand one thing. Dung is not what you think it is. At least the Neopian version isn’t, which is why we cook with it.

Ah, but what is it, then, you ask? Neopian dung is actually a processed soybean product that has amazing properties such as...

But you don’t want to hear all that. You want to learn to cook with it. So buy a few piles of the stuff and get cookin’!

Dung Sandwiches

You will need: one pile of dung, two if you’re peckish, two slices of peachbread--neowaiian bread is an acceptable substitute if you can manage to slice it into flat pieces--and half a tub of mud n mayo dip (optional).

Start with a thin, flat slice of peachbread, or Neowaiian bread if you feel up to manipulating the odd shape. Use a plastic butter knife (never mind it’s a weapon) to flatten the single, or double, piles of dung into round disks about the thickness of a Kau cookie. Round, not square, disks of dung--that’s the trick. The bread must be very thin; you want the dung to ooze over the edges.

Place the flattened dung on the peachbread. Press it down so that it sticks to the bread, you don’t want the sandwich all over your lap (if you have a lap, that is). Spread a thick layer of mud n mayo dip over the dung, use all of the half-tub of it. It is fine if they are mixed together slightly. Of course, mud n mayo dip is optional, but why wouldn’t you want it? I love it, one of the best neofood products out there. Bang another thin slice of peachbread on top of the whole thing--there you have it, a dung sandwich.

Dung Shake

Not a dung slushie, you can buy one of those for 150-200 thousand Neopoints. This is a shake, much creamier. This would be the easiest recipe in my file if there was such a thing as Neoblenders, but there aren’t, and this isn’t.

You will need: one strange glazed bowl (preferable, a plain bowl will do), one stone fire body basher, two cartons of Kau Kau farm milk, a jar of eyeballs, and a half-dozen piles of dung.

Before you call in the Shop Wizard for outrageous prices or your mutant Lupe for thrashing me, remember that I never said these recipes were cheap.

Pour one carton of Kau Kau farm milk. Only one! If you start off with two the strange glazed bowl becomes angry and throws the milk everywhere by standing on its bizarre handle. Trust me, it happens. I’ve tested these recipes, you know. Most of them.

Next are the eyeballs. Dump the whole jar in. Now raise the stone fire body basher above your head and...mix the eyeballs and milk thoroughly. Add the second Kau Kau farm milk carton.

Fun part: stand across the room from the strange glazed bowl and have a Kau pie throwing contest! The six piles of dung MUST be thrown into the bowl! That’s the only way to make sure it’s mixed properly; you could use a stone fire body basher for that, but you already broke it, remember?

By then you should have a brown, syrupy juice, with a seriously... interesting odour. If you don’t, Neomail me saying that you would like to participate in the next Kau pie throwing contest--as a Pie, not a contestant.

Chocolate Dung... just kidding!

Dung Soup

You will need: extra creamy soup (again, not cheap), a score of dung piles, two dozen two bottles of water, a starry bowl.

To make soup you must start with soup. Pour the extra creamy soup into the starry bowl. Wave your wand of dark nova over it and chant these words--oh, wand of dark nova wasn’t on the list? Skip that then. Add exactly a third of the piles of dung to it. If you don’t know how many piles to use, just toss them all in.

Chuck the twenty-four two bottles of waters into the starry bowl, the entire bottle. It will froth and bubble for a while, the glass of the bottles is poisonous. When it settles, serve the soup slightly warm on yellow tablecloths. That will give the full effect.

Bon appetite!

Cook’s note: The recipe for dung soup never says when to add the last two-thirds of the dung into the bowl. That’s because normal Neopians don’t know how much a third of twenty is so they added it all at the beginning. Isn’t that like our sensible Neopians?

Cook’s Assistant’s note: You’ve never heard of a starry bowl? Good, neither have I.

Author’s note: Should I write more recipe articles? There ARE other strange ingredients besides dung. Before I continue, I need Neomails and to take some grumble be gone tablets, writing this article made me a bit queasy...

Last Note: If you’ve chanted the last half of this article over your dung soup, starting at “oh, wand of dark nova wasn’t on the list...” you may stop now.


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