Pity the Pickles
NEOPIA CENTRAL - "Extra, extra, read all about it! The new Neopian Times is out!
See the all-new Poor Dr_Death! Turmaculus explains all! Shoyru Squadron foils
another evil scheme! Read all about it!"
"Ooh, I can't wait to read this week's comics! That Bucky is a dreamboat!"
"I wonder what adventure Al's got himself in!"
"What's Donna been up to lately?"
"Look! An article about the costs of stamps!"
Sure, sure, we've all read the Times once or twice, and we all know that these
responses are common to the ear of the average Neopian. But do you ever wonder
if there's anything missing from the babbling mouths of the gossiping townsfolk?
One word: Neopian News Brief.
Okay, it's not one word-thus goes to show how unenlightened we all are by
not reading! Fine, maybe it doesn't teach us lessons in grammar, but what it
does do is show us the true potential of our good old staff friend, Darrell.
Some may know him as El Picklesaur, while others remember him as the kindly
Mr. Pickles-and the unusual folk call him Uber-Spiffy Pickle Man, and some don't
know him at all! But not everybody knows him as the creative writer behind the
exquisitely created Neopian News Brief.
Every week, Mr. Pickles (as he shall be addressed for the remainder of this
article) puts heart, soul, time, talent, and little chopped up pieces of celery
into the News Brief. But who reads it? Few. Who should read it? All.
You may now be thinking, 'How does this sap know all about this? How does
Mr. Pickles feel about it?' Well, to quote the exalted green one:
"I'm sure lots of people look at it and say, 'Oh, it's just a rehashed version
of New Features,' but I really do put a lot of effort into it. My goal is to
take each week's top stories and infuse them with perspective, humour, advice,
and the occasional well turned phrase."
So, in our current situation, we have Mr. Pickles continuing to write, the
News Brief continuing being neglected, and the celery still mourning those lost
in last week's issue. But how can we fix our state of affairs?
My, oh my, such an easy question. Of course, not as easy as being asked to
get a yellow Poogle morphing potion for Jhudora's 39th consecutive quest, but
still very simple indeed. Just read it! I know, I know, this sounds a tad bit
pushy, but believe me, it's worth it. Take the extra few minutes, click away
from the latest Case File of Dark Night, and follow the fallen and downtrodden
pieces of celery to the bottom of the page, where you'll find a link to a part
of Neopets that, from what is assumed, few have known or seen.
Look at it this way. You hail Viola for the Battledome. You worship Donna
for her graceful art direction. You adore Adam for his love of borovan and pranks
on Edie. But what do you know Mr. Pickles for? Being the 20th to reach his demise
in the Ski Lodge Mystery? Well, for one thing, his real name is Darrell, and
he's the mind behind the Neopian News Brief that I've been trying to persuade
you to read (if you haven't realized already).
About this time, the question on everybody's mind is most likely "How does
he know that nobody reads it?", "Why should I read it?", and "What's for dinner?"
And my responses?
Personal experience. You'll be enlightened on the world of Neopets. Leftover
Now, this article is probably getting old, you're sick of hearing about the
same point I've been trying to make, and the critics who review everything in
the Times are full up with thoughts to degrade this, but that doesn't matter
to me, as long as I've gotten my point across: READ THE NEWS BRIEF.
I'd never read it before until the problem of neglecting was brought upon
me a few weeks ago. Ever since then, I've pondered how Mr. Pickles thinks of
the witty comments and news-style format of speaking about the most basic of
news. From stock crashes to pet days, to the fixing of the tiniest bug, you
can learn about news you've missed or recap your favorite highlights of the
We now reach the end of the article, written in a variety of first, second,
and third person points of view. Hopefully, I have changed the point of view
of every one of you, from either reading the News Brief to reading it even MORE,
or from overlooking it to scrutinizing every word and syllable. And hopefully,
if I've changed minds about reading the News Brief, maybe I should write an
article about the hard work put into my shop… Okay, okay, maybe not ;)
So the next time you see a new Neopian Times issue, make sure you glance at
the Neopian News Brief at the bottom of the page. Hilarious remarks, important
information, and vengeful pieces of celery await.