How to Rule a Kingdom by noremac9 |  |
RULER'S PRIVATE CHAMBER - With all the fuss about Meridell lately, the idea
of owning a kingdom has been on everyone's mind. We watched Skarl be insulted,
double-crossed by his followers, made a public enemy and left to the mercy of
an evil Korbat who would like nothing more than to see him suffer. This proves
that owning a kingdom is a very easy thing to do, does it not? That's what I
thought. That's why, in this article, you're going to get the full guide on
how to rule a kingdom. Which, contrary to popular belief, is a walk in the park.
The first thing you'll need to do is find empty land. As soon as you find
some, you'll need to get some followers and go there. To gather such brave and
willing followers, all you have to do is tell them that when your empire grows
big enough to rival Neopia central, you'll buy them all two thousand shares
of the stock BB. It's highly recommended that you find followers with an intelligence
level of Dim Witted, otherwise they might not take you up on your offer. Dim
Witted followers will suit your purposes better anyway. Now that you've gathered
your followers, head off towards the unexplored landmass in a small ship and
hope you get there before someone else does.
Once the pet in the crow's nest cries "LAND HO!" it's time to get ready for
the real challenge. If you suddenly slam into shore and the pet in the crow's
nest continues to stare blankly into space, then remember, I said "Dim Witted",
not "Completely devoid of intelligence". But hopefully, the last sentence does
not apply to your voyage. Now that you're at your destination, it's time to
set up the beginnings of your kingdom.
Your kingdom needs an export trade. You've got to make money somehow, and
exporting from your new kingdom is the way to go. Chances are that in this new
land you will find something small and fluffy. Most of your subjects will say,
"A new petpet! How cute, I want one!" unless they're completely devoid of intelligence,
in which case they will shout, "That thing looks like you, Mr. Ruler," If the
latter happens, you've failed in picking your subjects, go home and try again.
But neither of the above have anything to do with what you've got planned:
you're going to export them. Some rulers would merely ship the petpets off in
crates and watch the little gold coins roll in, but you've got a better plan.
By filleting, dicing, frying, pickling and seasoning them, you'll be able to
call it a rare food. Rare foods sell ten times as fast as petpets, and for twice
as much, since the rabidly devouring members of the Gourmet Food Club need any
advantage they can get. Just make sure it doesn't get out that you're exporting
cute petpets and not wildly vicious animals. To avoid suspicion, call the dishes
things like "Monstrous Dargasaurus Steak" or "Filleted Fierce Dragon Wing",
etc. With any luck, you'll be making enough NP to start your kingdom, which
in case you forgot, is the very reason you're in the unexplored landmass.
Now that you've got a little funding, you need to start building your stronghold.
Many argue that until you have enemies, a stronghold is not important. But we
both know that strongholds are a way to expand one's ego, and you should always
look for those kinds of opportunities. Since you and your subjects are still
living off the land, you won't have a lot of material to work with. But never
fear, there is a simple solution to your predicament. Using the NP you got from
exporting, import. Import materials like stone and wood. You've got to keep
it simple for now. Get your twenty or so followers to build it just like the
blueprint you gave them, and hope they do it right. Chances are it will look
something like a crooked hovel, but it will seem like a palace compared to the
holes your subjects are currently living in. If your subjects envy you because
you have a better hovel then they do, offer them an extra four thousand shares
of the stock BB. This should keep them happy until they actually get around
to thinking about what you just said. If your subjects have the desired intelligence
level, then that will be some time.
Now that you've got a crooked hovel, some subjects and an export trade, you're
worthy of being called a small and struggling nation. This is a big step forward,
but you're a long way from being a kingdom. Due to the current living conditions,
(or the lack thereof) and bad luck in general, your kingdom is probably facing
pestilence, disease and poverty. This is good time to learn from Meridell's
mistake: Do not under any circumstances find a shiny Orb in a nearby kingdom
and take it to improve conditions. Meridell found out what the repercussions
of that action were. Instead, take a Cube or a Trapezoid; it will work just
as good as an Orb. Of course, if you don't think you're ready to charge into
a prospering kingdom with nothing more than some starving peasants holding big
rocks, you can try to endure the pestilence, famine and misery. Although misery
isn't the optimal kingdom status, you're just starting up. In time you'll be
prosperous (or conquered, it depends on how lucky you are).
The only way you can make your kingdom grow is to attract visitors. Once enough
people think it's a neat place, they'll buy NeoHomes there. Once they buy NeoHomes
in your kingdom, you know you're that close to being a real kingdom. Unfortunately,
you're not there yet, just a crooked hovel owner and lord of twenty-something
peasants. But, the one thing every Neopian has is a lust for freebies. They
want something for nothing, so that's what you need to give them. Since your
resources are extremely limited, you'll need to get creative. The omelette in
Tyrannia is very popular, why not copy their strategy to attract guests? The
Tyrannians are even duller than your subjects are; they probably won't figure
it out. And hey, Meridell copied a bunch of other worlds; it worked fine for
them. Oh, wait - pay no heed to Meridell. Bad example.
Unless you have an elusive giant birdlike creature that is more than happy
to let everyone munch on the remainder of her young, you'll have to get really
creative in making your giant-omelette-like attraction. Why not use all those
skins and furs you got from slaughtering petpets and exporting them? All you
have to do is throw them in a heaping pile and assign a peasant to watch over
them. The idea is that you come once a day and get a random petpet hide. For
free. That's the kicker. Once you say "For free," everyone will come once a
day to pick a petpet hide. Who cares if they're totally useless and can only
be used as fake hunting trophies? As long as it's free they'll come. Also, they're
sure to question how all these petpets died and why you ended up with their
hides. Simply say that when you got to this world there were huge beasts everywhere,
but you made them into food and exported them. Then you took all the petpets
they killed and buried them one by one, putting their hides here so that all
of Neopia would weep at the atrocity that took place and make sure no beasts
would ever slaughter so many petpets again.
You've got a freebie. Neopians are coming to your little world, and they're
wondering why you have a crooked hovel and some peasants living in holes. This
is the perfect time to get out of poverty and take your next step towards kingdom-hood.
You need some shops to attract Neopians, but they do a lot more than that. You
can price items ridiculously high in the little shops and they will buy the
items anyway. Why? Because they're new items, rare items and never-before-seen
items! You'll have every restocker and their brother hanging out in your shops,
buying items as quickly as possible. As for the items themselves, they need
be little more than junk. Just make sure you have at least two shops. A food
shop and a Battledome shop will work fine. Make sure one of your peasants is
always working there; you need to sell items twenty-four hours a day.
Now your riches should be growing greater every day. You need games, just
a few boring ones at first. Since your resources are still on the skimpy side,
just make them simple games. Guess the weight of the ruler, Missing teeth in
the ruler's mouth counter, and Pick Your Own Insulting nickname for the ruler,
although popular with peasants and lowlifes, are out of the question. Instead,
make the player of the game pay you to do work. "Wood Chopper", "Wall Builder"
and "Floor Sweeper" are good examples. Don't forget to charge them, that's what
will really bloat the royal treasury.
Now that you have some simple games, shops and a freebie, you need some real
games. Since the Neopets Staff usually makes the popular flash games, you need
them to make one for you. Since it's very hard reach of the Neopets Staff, you
need to get their attention. Have your smartest peasant make you a large wooden
chest. If you don't have a smartest peasant, you're going to need to make it
yourself. Once you have your large wooden chest, write a threatening letter
addressed to the staff members, saying that you demand a game that will be popular.
Then take some of the bones from the petpets you've been exporting and throw
them in the chest. Finally, paint (or have someone paint) a large picture of
a burning office and terrified staff members on the lid of the chest. If this
doesn't get their attention, nothing will. Finally, send the chest off to their
office. You'll have one or two decent flash games in a matter of days, guaranteed.
It's time to get a population boost. At this point, although you have a lot
of visitors, you have no subjects save the twenty-something you brought with
you (unless of course your subjects have been making little subjects). Dedicate
a large plot of land to NeoHome development, name it, and announce it. Thousands
upon thousands of owners and pets alike will flood into your NeoHomes, finally
giving you the income you need to run a real kingdom. That's right, now that
you're considered a Minor Nation, it's time to upgrade the crooked hovel!
What to do with your crooked hovel is up to you, but it's recommended that
you make either a solid castle or an iron fortress. Perfect Pink Palaces are
not recommended to any ruler who wants followers with weapons. Also, an impenetrable
mountain of grandeur wouldn't hurt, but I doubt you can afford it at this point.
Once you've made your palace, whatever it may be, you need to start making this
land of yours into a real kingdom, complete with laws, diabolical scheming royal
advisors and a class system for your subjects.
The laws, evil royal advisors and class system are up to you - make them as
you wish. Now that you rule a kingdom you're going to be forced to make a lot
of big decisions. For instance, choosing whether or not to intervene in a local
skirmish or not; if you should harvest the bumper crop early; or, the extremely
hard choice between looking at yourself in the mirror for hours or having your
underlings, er, subjects hail you via a balcony overlooking the city. That's
right, now you've got power, but with power comes a lot of responsibility. Who
could make all these decisions alone anyway? That's where your royal advisors
come in.
Although most rulers would listen to their advisors, letting the advisors
guide them, you're intelligent enough to know that they're evil, power hungry
deceivers. That, or you read the above sentence and are now aware of the fact.
If your advisor tells you to make a speech to stop a peasant revolt, that means
the balcony he suggested has been rigged by his cronies and will collapse as
soon as you step onto it. If your advisor tells you to make sure everything
is in order down in the kitchen, he's hired an assassin to wait for you there.
If your advisor tells you to have dinner with a certain official, he's already
made sure the food is thoroughly poisoned. Whatever your advisors tell you to
do, do the opposite. But, beware their craftiness. If they discover you do the
opposite of everything they tell you to do, they'll tell you the opposite of
everything they want you to do. Confused? No one ever said being a ruler was
easy. OK, the first paragraph of this article did, but that is insignificant.
If you haven't gotten the hang of ruling your kingdom yet, never fear! If
you show any signs of weakness you'll be quickly "removed" from your position.
That will ease your ruler-hood worries, and all your other worries for that
matter. That's right, rulers are always under the close eye of devious usurpers,
so if they see you weakening under the pressure, there won't be any more pressure!
Then, you'll get a little shrine at the edge of the kingdom where Neopets come
to be blessed by your deceased spirit. Adding yet another freebie to your kingdom,
you should be thrilled!
By now, you've probably created quite an army for yourself and your kingdom.
Sooner or later, someone is going to challenge your authority through open public
conflict. Whether Sloth will descend from the sky seemingly out of nowhere and
begin ordering his hideous army to attack you, or whether the king you stole
that mystical Cube from will come for revenge, causing a huge moral controversy,
only time will tell. But whoever is attacking you, you'll need to thwart their
attempt. If pets are choosing sides, than you need to create some incentive
for them to join you. Rather than working on a point to point system like the
Meridell vs. Darigan did, rig the system to be an eight to one point difference
in your favour. Since the Neopets Staff controls the point system, simply send
them a similar box to the one you did demanding the flash game. It should work
just as well (except this time you'll be able to make a much more ornate and
horrific threat). Once players see how many points they get for joining your
side, and thus rewards, you'll have a huge force at your disposal. No, this
is not something someone evil would do. Being a ruler has nothing to do with
good and evil (unless you deliberately choose one over the other, in which case
you'll either end up with clean white tile floors or a bone motif). Ruling a
kingdom simply involves knowing when and what to do, without worrying about
what people think your moral alignment is.
If you've followed this guide step by step, you probably own a large nation
now. If this guide caused your death (due to overly ambitious actions), then
I'm sorry, but it's a little late to be angry.
To send me a Neomail, click
here. As long as you have something to say besides "waazzzzzupppp",
I'll be happy to read it and respond. This was my first work meant totally for
satire and jest, if you took it seriously, then you're beyond all Neopia's help... |
