My 100% Guaranteed No-Fail Method for Dealing with Rejections
DEEP CATACOMBS - It's a fact of life: all successful (and not so successful)
Neopian Times writers get rejected at some point or another. If it's happened
to you, you've probably been told to keep resubmitting it or to write a bigger,
better story. But, inevitably, that gets rejected too. What do you do now? Well,
if you're like me you most likely start to wonder if your life has any real
meaning anymore. But WAIT, there IS hope. Below I have provided a comprehensible
guide to handling rejections that will help you go from tears to laughter in
practically no time at all. So before you start looking into finding a nice,
high cliff to hurl yourself off of, try the following steps.
Step 1: Cry. Go ahead, let it all out. It's not childish, really it's
not! Throw the absolute biggest tantrum in your entire life. Wail, rant, and
rave if you have to, but then move on.
Step 2: Whack-A-Staff-Member. Ah, what a truly, truly, great game. I
have to take a pause here to thank Neopets for blessing us with this wonderful
way to let ourselves go. Okay, pause over. If you normally have your computer
muted, turn up the sound for this one: you can even hear the staff members'
real voices crying out when you bash them on the head with your great big mallet.
Even though Mr. Shankly, the editor of The Neopian Times, isn't featured here,
it ought to help you enormously. Whack-A-Staff-Member will help you let out
some excess anger. Don't let it all out just yet, though: you'll need
some of it for later. For this game will also get you into the mood for step
Step 3: Shankly bashing time. Now that you're done whacking random staff
members, it's time to get the real culprit: Mr. Shankly, Neopian Times
editor. Draw a comic about Shankly's dung obsession. Make up a story about Psycho
Shankly, the Dung Crook, making absolute sure that he falls off cliffs and gets
beaten up by baby chias he attempts to steal candy from as often as possible.
Write a poem about him being mobbed by angry writers or a song about him getting
run over by a reindeer. Make your writing and drawing as childish and petty
as humanly possible. Shankly steals pants off of Pant Devil, having misplaced
his own; Shankly goes on a blind date with Chet Flash; Shankly goes to Neopia
Central wearing a speedo and is arrested for indecency; Shankly smears dung
on his face and runs around yelling “Look! I'm Turmaculus poo!” until the nice
people in white coats come to give him a pretty jacket and a cozy new apartment.
It's all good. You can keep your finished product to laugh at or, if it's good
enough, try submitting it to The Neopian Times. You'd be surprised at how friendly
and understanding Mr. Shankly really is.
Step 4: Plan to take over Neopia. Neopets can't be in very good hands
if your wonderful, beautiful story wasn't published. Plan to overthrow each
and every staff member. Consider putting sleeping potion in Adam's asparagus,
replacing Shankly's Studio Stunt Hair Gel with the Brain Control variety, dyeing
Donna's hair brown so no one recognises her. Wait, no, scratch that last one.
Develop an evil laugh, something like this: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah,
that will do. Think about what you would do if you ran Neopia; give free codestones
to everyone (except your enemies), create a Battledome weapon that only works
for you, build a NeoHome completely out of chocolate and put cookie trees in
every garden. BUT DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PUT YOUR PLAN INTO ACTION!
Geez, this activity is just for fun! What are you, crazy? Put that poison dart
down now! If you want to, write about it, but don't actually DO it. It's not
like anything you could think up would actually work, anyway... would it? Um...
can I be in on it for giving you the idea, please?
By this time, you ought to be rolling on the ground laughing, or at the very
least have a huge grin on your face. You have let out your anger, had some fun
the Neopets Staff's expense, exercised your creativity, and maybe even written
another piece worth sending into the Times. It's an all-around win situation!
Except for Mr. Shankly, who now gets to read your charming comic or story about
him if you choose to submit it. Oh well, have fun!