NEOPIA CENTRAL - As you can all see, Neopia has taken a turn for the worse.
War and disease plague the entire world. If your pets don't have Ugga Ugga or
Fuzzy Fungus, then they are all bloodied up from the recent war of Meridell
and Darigan.
But the one of the worst unexpected consequences has shown itself finally:
famine. It's true! The giant omelette of Tyrannia can't feed your pets forever.
The days of the Advent Calendar are over. What is a good owner like yourself
to do?
Taking into account the current state of Neopia, I have come up with a small
proposal to all of the fine Neopians. As you have noticed, there are more and
more Shoyrus, Kacheeks, and Kougras popping up with rumbling stomachs around
than there are Krawks, Tonus, and Draiks. The days of the Krawks, Tonus, and
Draiks are limited. This is the year of the Shoyru.
Krawks, Tonus, and Draiks are not pretty creatures. Not pretty at all. Well,
they just aren't Kacheeks. 56,000 (approximately) of these three grotesque,
outlandish creatures have been created. That is quite a large number for Neopian
standards. Example: One small Tonu could feed a family of four for a week, and
still have leftovers.
That is correct. Feed. As I said, the days for these pets are limited. So
why not use these pets for the good of Neopia? Give them a purpose. A duty in
life. Something worth dying for.
You may exclaim in horror, "That's cannibalism!" But how can it be? If only
the Krawks, Tonus, and Draiks are the ones to be sacrificed, then would an Aisha
or a Cybunny gnawing on a rib of Draik be called cannibalism?
Cannibalism is, according to definition, the consumption of a species by the
same species. Therefore, this proposition does not support cannibalism.
You may say, "This is inhumane! The poor creatures!" Who are you to say what
lives and what dies? The only persons that should be concerned with this proposal
are the proud owners of Draiks, Tonus, and Krawks. They are the minority of
people in Neopia who will regret to see the homely faces of these three pets
go to noble deaths. I sympathise with you.
There are few owners will be distraught at the loss of their beloved Tonus,
Krawks, and Draiks, as there is so few of those pets to begin with. But for
them, and in the honour of their deceased pets, I propose a golden trophy for
their trophy cabinets to honour the sacrificed pets. Examples: My pet was born
to be sacrificed... I am the proud owner of pet given to the future of humanity...
But the original plan continues and my reasoning is as such: mouths need to
be fed! What better way to feed them than this? Millions of food items will
be seen on the currently empty shelves of the Food Shoppe, and for reasonably
inexpensive prices. Lightly Grilled Tonu Flanks, for only 99 NP! What a deal!
Some pets have more refined taste buds than others. For the more difficult
pet, gourmet food will also be available. For example:
Mince Meat Draik, for the considerable price of 1,999 NP. A medium rare Draik
brisket cooked into a perfectly favoured pie crust. A great side order to the
Mince Meat Draik are some Krawk Kebabs, starting at 3,599 NP. Krawk meat, lightly
seasoned, cooked alongside Neopia's finest organic vegetables on the barbecue.
Why not finish your meal with Tonu Chowder, for just 1,499. A Tonu steak,
cooked to medium rare perfection, intermixed with corn, beans, and assorted
vegetables in a fine broth. Sure to make any of the cold, Happy Valley Chias
or Bruces warm with delight on a cold winter's day.
For the weight watching folk of Neopia, don't give up! There is hope still
with the Krawk n' Kabbage salad, starting at 699 NP. Stewed Krawk meat mixed
in a spinach, lettuce, and cabbage leaf salad with mild cheddar cheese and tomatoes.
Also, try the Tossed Tonu Salad, similar to the Krawk n' Kabbage in taste,
although Tonu meat is tougher in texture and spicier in flavour compared to
that of a Krawk.
For dessert, try a Draik Dumpling for just 100 NP. Sweet favoured Draik meat
in a sugary sauce. It's also a great appetiser, and sure to break the ice at
parties.
These are just some of the possible delicacies for your pet, and sure to make
the many mouths of pets world-wide salivate.
Food will not be the only thing appearing on shop shelves. The Clothing Boutiques
will be full to the brim with hot new items. Draik Hide Gloves (500 NP) are
great for the gardeners of Neopia. How about a leather jacket for your Neopet?
Try a Tonu Trench for 4,990 NP. It's real Tonu hide, and sure to catch the eye
of every Neopian that passes your way.
The Battle Magic Shop will benefit, too. Tonu Horns, for just 900 NP. A real
Tonu horn, carefully sharpened to perfection, is great for any pet to wield
when in danger. Krawk and Draik Fang Necklaces (299 NP and 699 NP, respectively)
are wonderful at protecting against Darkness curses and spells, but no one knows
why. Still, a must have in the Battledome!
Not only will this proposition eliminate world hunger, and bring more goods
into Neopia's many shops, it will also slightly decrease the Neopian population,
making it a little less crowded and compact in the streets of the big cities.
Walking down the street will no longer become a chore or a race. You and your
pets can saunter down to the Chocolate Shop without elbowing or kicking all
the other meddlesome owners and their pets out of your way.
But what, you say, happens when we run out of Draik, Krawk, and Tonu? When
the surplus of Draik, Krawk, and Tonu finally runs out, we could move on to
other unpopular and unpopular pets such as Moehogs and Lennies. Moehogs especially
have quite a lot of meat on them, but few are seen around in the fields anymore.
Still, one Moehog is sure to feed a family of four for at least a month.
So consider this proposal, and think of the possibilities if these actions
are taken: more food, and a slight decrease in the population. As you look at
the omelettes and Advent Calendar foods in you inventory, consider the possibilities
of the future.
This article is not meant to be taken seriously. I did not intend in any way
to harm any pet, especially Tonus, Draiks, and Krawks in any way. It was a joke,
and I worry about the future of Neopia if you took this article seriously. | 
