The Art of Hate Mail
STINKY COD SPLATTER - It has come to my attention lately that the majority
of hate mail circulating in Neopia is decidedly sub par. It is such a shame
- after all, all those arrogant and opinionated article writers and artists,
you know, those people - need to be taken down a notch or two. That's
right. Crush their egos. Break their spirits. Make them grovel at your beautiful
1337-speaking feet. But, that's not happening, is it? You're making them laugh.
You don't even receive an indignant response anymore. And you know that they,
the elitist snobs, have just hit the delete button. Oh, the shame.
So, it is my goal to raise the standard of the generic piece of hate mail.
Make those proud, snooty writers hurt. Because, you, the future stars of Neopia,
will rise far above them. You don't need talent - you only need to break those
other stinkin' people first.
Don't help them!
One of the mistakes that hate mailers often make is slip into the throes of
constructive criticism. Please, avoid saying things like "I liked your article,
but I thought you could improve…" Or something along the lines of "My opinion
is rather different from yours…" That's terrible. Are you actually trying to
help them improve? Instead, try substituting your helpful phrases with a "u
relly suk". You will find it a lot more effective and less time consuming than
a serious attempt at constructive criticism would.
Keep it short.
This is in essence, an extension of the previous tip. The longer your hate
mail gets, the more tempted you will be to actually say something nice or helpful.
Keep it short and simple. "ur article ______ wuz a pile of dung" is just about
Reflect on the writer's personal life.
Sure, you don't know anything about them. You don't need to. After all, they're
all the same. Thus, always make sure to make a demeaning reference to them or
their "friends". The traditional "yo mama" is good, but a bit over used. Instead,
try to say something about their likely to be appalling physical features. Call
them ugly. You may just destroy their delicate self esteem. Further the destruction
by pointing out that they have no friends. Tell them they have no life. If they
reply that you probably don't either, since you took the time to write hate
mail - ignore them. After all, what do they know?
Please, use chatspeak or l33tspeak.
There's nothing that ruins a good piece of hate mail as quickly as proper
punctuation and grammar. A well written (in the English class sense) piece of
"hate" mail tends to reduce it to a "disagreeable" mail. And that is most definitely
not your goal. As such, make sure to continually abbreviate your words and if
you can, replace them with numbers. Not only will it thoroughly frustrate the
recipient, but it will emphasise your creative individuality in daring to deviate
from the basic tenets of English.
Use the recipient for your own purposes.
Okay, so you've finished writing the piece of hate mail. If you've kept it
short, as I have suggested, you should have plenty of space to further your
own goals. Did you want to write articles or stories like they did? Maybe you
didn't like one of their comics and think you can do better? Then ask them!
After having been thoroughly humiliated and broken by your barbed words, they
will be glad to offer tips and suggestions to someone who has clearly surpassed
them in intelligence and talent. After all, they know that the address to submit
Neopian Times stuff to is firstname.lastname@example.org.
It could save you the time you may have wasted looking at the front page of
the NT. Alternately, you can also ask them to vote for your pet in the beauty
contest, be your Neofriend, join your guild or buy from your shop. Trust me,
they will be more than happy to acquiesce to the demands of a superior intellect
This is optional, but you will frustrate your recipient to no end if he/she
cannot send you an intelligent reply in response to your insulting piece of
mail. You can then bask in the knowledge that you are untouchable by them, no
matter how much they try. Of course, they may have just hit delete and not particularly
care about your piece of hate mail - but then, that's their loss, isn't it?
I am positive that following the tips and hints I have mentioned will raise
the bar for the currently low standard of the mail out there. As any writer
that has commented on a reasonably controversial subject (the war, chat speaking,
the pound...) can tell you, it is a good piece of hate mail that provides them
with a goodly amount of amusement. If you're lucky, you may even find your spiteful
and degrading comments posted on forum boards and the such, extending the reach
of your hate mail even further. Keep it up, your name is spreading. Soon, you
may be as well known as the people who often receive hate mail in bulk. And
remember - when you receive that piece of hate mail, perfectly crafted for you
- you've made it big. Congratulations.
Author's note: This article was written with a reasonably sarcastic tongue
planted firmly in cheek. If you think that I'm actually encouraging hate mail
I've failed again. And an extra special thanks to child_dragon, because reasonably
functional minds think alike.