In Praise of Glorious Dung
DUNG CENTRAL - Dung! What would Neopia be without it? I swear I love the stuff!
Okay, I know what you're thinking, "Ewww! Yucky poo!" and "It's obvious Stoneman
is out to lunch because he's full of baloney." Well, pooh-pooh to you too! (Pun
actually intended). Dung serves an excrementally important place in our lives
and I'm going to tell you why because you're still here after my first three
sentences so you must be interested. Of course, you could still be here because
you stepped in a mound of it and now are glued to the floor and are forced to
read this while you figure out how to get out of it. In any case, here are the
reasons dung is great.
Cool Dung Stuff: Furniture
You've just plunked down a mere 1,500 Neopoints for a marble room in your NeoHome
and now you need furniture that blends in nicely with the surroundings. If you're
anything like me, blowing 1,500 Neopoints for an addition to your NeoHome means
you haven't got a whole lot left over for a stunning Regal Oak Wood Bed or a
dainty Blue Velvet Chair. So the either room sits empty or you sleep in a cardboard
box until you can get decent furniture. But AHA! You don't have to get decent
furniture! You can buy smelly, slimy furniture instead! Isn't that wonderful?
Okay, maybe it's not the vision of magnificent household furnishings you had
planned for your NeoHome, but it makes a handy start.
Dung furniture is dirt cheap. I guess because it is... kind of... dirt. But
that's what makes it a great thing to have as your first furniture. And there
are so many cool dung things you can buy that you can cram your NeoHome up to
the chandeliers with Dung Baskets, Dung Bathtubs, Dung Beds, Dung Boxes, Dung
Carpets, Dung Fireplaces, Dung Reclining Chairs, Dung Shelves, Dung Sofas, Dung
Sofa Chairs and Dung Tables! Wow! Isn't that what you've always dreamed of?
Okay, maybe in a nightmare, but at least it was in your dreams.
When you get enough Neopoints to afford REAL furniture you can always unload...
err... sell the junk... err... useful items you were using temporarily and make
even more Neopoints to buy Pretty Pink Pillows or a Kau Print Rug or anything
other frilly thing that makes you happy. So even if dung furniture isn't perfect,
at least you don't have to sleep on your cold marble floors while your pets
chew holes in your chocolate walls out of boredom from sitting in a empty room.
Cool Dung Stuff: Weapons
How can you lose in the Battledome with a weapon that not only inflicts damage
on your opponent but makes him so stinky he has to withdraw from the fight to
take a bath? Pretty effective weapon, huh? There's nothing like scooping up
a clump of Battle Dung, loading it into your Dung Catapult and hurling at Meuka.
MUAHAHAHA! Dung is even more gross than your Meuka's Snot Trail you nasty little
disease-carrying rodent! Paybacks are heck, huh? And for protection, all you
have to do is whip out your Dung Scarab and your Dung Shield and wave it at
your opponent. If you're downwind, he won't even have a chance to attack before
he passes out from the stench. If that isn't enough to convince how great Dung
weapons are, check out what the Neopedia had to say about the Dung Catapult:
As anyone who has visited will tell you, if you ever go to Tyrannia, be
sure to watch where you're walking. It is an unfortunate fact that the Tyrannian
countryside is littered with "little presents." While, at first this might seem
like a bad thing, the natives have turned the situation to their advantage.
For many years, the Tyrannians have incorporated their homeland's abundance
of solid waste into an effective fighting tool. Amazingly powerful and deadly
accurate, dung catapults have become the envy of Battledomers throughout Neopia.
For those seeking a weapon which will both punish AND humiliate their opponents,
the dung catapult is the perfect way of telling your foes, "Here's mud in your
eye :)" Due to their great popularity, dung catapults have been known to fetch
sums as high as two million Neopoints But are they really worth so much money?
According to Tyrannian Commander Grarrg the Grarrl, a dung catapult is worth
every Neopoint. "You see," says Grarrg's translator, "In the ancient past, we
too fought with conventional weapons. However, our enemies simply recuperated,
trained, and attacked us again. However, since we began riddling our foes with
hailstorms of dung, no invader has ever dared to attack us twice."
And all four of these cool weapons combined will only cost you a measly 50
million Neopoints! Okay, so it sounds a tiny tad expensive. But look at it this
way, you only have to do the Faerie Crossword in less than five minutes 83,334
times to earn enough to buy them!
Cool Dung Stuff: Food
If you didn't think dung could be a tasty treat and earn you points in the Gourmet
Food Club, then pop over to the Slushie Shop on Terror Mountain and try grabbing
a Dung Slushie. You probably won't have much luck because these maggot-invested
beverages are so yummy and rare you'll be lucky to SEE one, let alone actually
get one. Or if you're not particularly thirsty for a frosty drink that not only
attracts flies, but actually breeds them, you could try heading over to Tyrannia
to pick up some Tyrannian Dung Cheese. It's actually got a rarity too high to
be a gourmet food, but just think of the all the unwelcome visitors you can
get rid of serving hunks of this on crackers to your pesky guests! And if you
want a REALLY rare food, try going on a hunt for a Dung Cream Sandwich. I KNOW
this baby exists, but you can't even find it in the shops or the Trading Post.
You've got to believe that's a real special treat if people are hoarding it!
Okay, so maybe these golden nuggets are a little out of your price range.
But you can always buy an inexpensive slice of cake for your favourite... or
least favourite... pet on their birthday. Dung Cake that is. It even comes with
a lovely candle on top at no extra cost! And if you are REALLY cheap about feeding
your pets, you can pick up a couple of wads of Chewing Dung for one or two Neopoints
each. Maybe it's not the most elegant feast in the world, but the flavour lasts
and lasts. And it will fill up your pet the exact same amount as feeding him
an Orange Chocolate Scorchio or a Crystal Burger.
And for those Neopians lucky enough to have a Skeith or a Grarrl stomping
around the house taking bites out of everything, there is good news. The Pile
of Dung you thought was worthless is a tasty treat for these Neopets. Check
out some of the comments a Grarrl friend had to say after eating a few Piles
'*BURP* Yum, that was my favourite food! I feel so much better now. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Thanks for that, I was really hungry'
Is that awesome or what? You've got to admit that any pet that is as cheap
to feed as a Skeith or a Grarrl and thanks you for feeding him dung is one cool
So maybe dung isn't exactly the sparkling addition to your Safety Deposit
Box as other stuff is, but if you ask me, Neopia would be pretty prissy and
boring without it. So let's all stand up and cheer for dung!