HAUNTED WOODS - Yet again, I, heroic and slightly idiotic reporter Bluescorchio104,
set off to uncover the secrets behind yet another evil Neopet, this time, Balthazar.
Having gleaned as much information as possible from the Gallery of Evil (I visited
so much they gave me a lifetime membership), I convinced my trusty Scorchio,
Bluefire104, to fly me to the Haunted Woods, in the hope of meeting the famous
Faerie hunter. When I disembarked from Bluefire104's back, I stretched, glad
to be off his back, which was covered in hard scales and the occasional spike.
Likewise, Bluefire104 rubbed his back, relieved that the fat lump of a Neopian
had finally got off his back. After a few not so funny fat jokes from Bluefire104
(which were of course directed at me), we set of into the unfamiliar gloom.
The withered trees, muddy ground and lack of life were depressing to say the
least. The creepy feeling that someone was watching you and the unnatural and
unidentified noises in the dark didn't help much either. Using Bluefire104's
tracking skills (he had learnt them from a Lupe professional) we wandered around
the Haunted Woods, following some unusually large paw prints in the ground.
Due to the muddy consistency of the soil, Bluefire104 and I were both misled
several times, causing us to take a short break in the middle of nowhere, during
which I burst into hysterics and Bluefire104 retained his usual calm composure.
In spite of being completely lost, we managed to find a small rundown cottage.
I reminded Bluefire104 of the story of Little Red Riding Chia, and we quickly
passed, but not before we spotted a large quantity of abnormally big paw prints
surrounding the cottage. After quickly surveying the area, we found a number
of subtle clues suggesting the presence of a large, powerful, Lupe. (Okay, to
tell you the truth, we actually found a shabby letterbox with Balthazar's name
on it.) But anyway, cautiously, Bluefire104 and I approached the door and used
the knocker (which looked suspiciously like a Chia skull) to rap hard on the
door a few times. Unexpectedly, rather than the door opening, I felt a rather
large paw clamp down hard on my shoulder. In unison, Bluefire104 and I turned,
to be faced with Balthazar himself, who had crept up behind us.
Bluescorchio104: Um, Mr. Balthazar, sir, we were just looking for you.
Balthazar: Be so kind to tell me why.
Bluescorchio104: Uhh, me and my Scorchio here are just a teensy-weensy
itty-bitty bit curious about you.
Balthazar: What do you want to know? I'll tell you if you just get
off my property.
Bluescorchio104: Well, first of all, I'd like to know, how the heck
do you catch those faeries?
Balthazar: With a net.
Bluescorchio104: Could you elaborate?
Balthazar: With a big net.
Bluescorchio104: Okay, this obviously isn't going anywhere. Balthazar,
could you, in detail, give me an informative summary on how you catch faeries.
Balthazar: Well, when you put it like that……… To be honest, there isn't
that much to it. You just hang around a few faerie hotspots, lay a bit of bait,
and crouch behind a bush.
Bluescorchio104: What kind of bait exactly?
Balthazar: My own special mixture of Splime Smoothie, mashed Strochal
and a few selected herbs. Don't you get any ideas and try to catch my faeries.
You have to be ultra-fit and have extremely fast reflexes to catch the little
blighters, even with the bait.
Bluescorchio104: Hmmmm. Is that so? Well, I'd like to know, do you
still hold a grudge against faeries, from your child hood encounter with them?
Balthazar: Yes, I do. (Bares teeth) All those faeries out there, they
better be afraid, because one day I'd gonna catch every single one.
Bluescorchio104: Really? Would you describe that as a lifetime ambition?
Balthazar: Of course.
Bluescorchio104: How did you first learn to catch faeries?
Balthazar: Well, it took years of trial and error and for me to come
up with the bait. While I experimented, I practised netting and honing my reflexes
on Chias, mostly, until I was fast and strong enough to take on bigger opponents.
When I did get the bait right, at first I caught faeries for revenge, not money.
Then I realised what great money I could make, and I started selling them. I've
been hunting faeries ever since.
Bluescorchio104: Wow, there's more to faerie hunting than I thought.
I'm so relieved that you don't have plans to dominate the world or go on a rampage
or anything. You're not as evil as I thought.
Balthazar: Who ever said anything about not going on a rampage? I told
you, one day I'll bottle or destroy every faerie in Neopia, even if it means
destroying the whole of Faerieland!!!!
Bluescorchio104: You can't be serious!
Balthazar: I sure am, and you can't stop me!
Bluescorchio104: I've changed my mind about you not being evil. You're
just as savage as any other evil Neopet! There are hundreds of innocent Neopets
living in Faerieland! What's going to happen when Faerieland is destroyed? They'll
plummet to the ground!
Balthazar: (Starts to get a crazed look in his eyes) Do you think I
care? I have hundreds of Frost Cannons positioned all over Neopia! When the
time comes, I'll fire them all with the help of a few vengeful cohorts! Faerieland
will be totally destroyed! If those Neopets want to survive, they better learn
to grow wings!
Bluescorchio104: (Starts to back away from Balthazar) Um, I think I
better go now. I think I hear my mother calling. See ya!
At this moment in time, I started to run away from the Balthazar. Who can
tell what crazed Lupes will do? I hopped onto Bluefire104's back and we quickly
soared into the sky, but not before Balthazar had fired a few shots from a camouflaged
Rainbow Frost Cannon. Fortunately, the shots missed, and since Balthazar couldn't
give chase, Bluefire104 and I got home to Neopia Central safely. But it does
worry me, what if Balthazar uses all those Frost Cannons to destroy Faerieland?
Well, I don't know, but keep an eye out.
And that brings to an end the series 'The Evil Neopet Interviews' with me,
Bluescorchio104. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the series, since I had to go
through considerable stress to bring write it, not to mention almost getting
eaten several times, being mauled several times, and being served rubbery eggs
for breakfast. However, never fear, I'll be back writing even more articles
later! (As soon as I get some spare time anyway.)
*Note: I hope you managed to stay awake through this article,
and the articles of this series. I apologise for the length of some of the articles,
but they're pretty good articles, right? I hope I didn't say the word 'articles'
too many times.
**Second note: If you did fall asleep, you better not have snored.