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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 19th day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 64 > Articles > The Evil Neopet Interviews: Balthazar

The Evil Neopet Interviews: Balthazar

by bluescorchio104

HAUNTED WOODS - Yet again, I, heroic and slightly idiotic reporter Bluescorchio104, set off to uncover the secrets behind yet another evil Neopet, this time, Balthazar. Having gleaned as much information as possible from the Gallery of Evil (I visited so much they gave me a lifetime membership), I convinced my trusty Scorchio, Bluefire104, to fly me to the Haunted Woods, in the hope of meeting the famous Faerie hunter. When I disembarked from Bluefire104's back, I stretched, glad to be off his back, which was covered in hard scales and the occasional spike. Likewise, Bluefire104 rubbed his back, relieved that the fat lump of a Neopian had finally got off his back. After a few not so funny fat jokes from Bluefire104 (which were of course directed at me), we set of into the unfamiliar gloom. The withered trees, muddy ground and lack of life were depressing to say the least. The creepy feeling that someone was watching you and the unnatural and unidentified noises in the dark didn't help much either. Using Bluefire104's tracking skills (he had learnt them from a Lupe professional) we wandered around the Haunted Woods, following some unusually large paw prints in the ground. Due to the muddy consistency of the soil, Bluefire104 and I were both misled several times, causing us to take a short break in the middle of nowhere, during which I burst into hysterics and Bluefire104 retained his usual calm composure.

In spite of being completely lost, we managed to find a small rundown cottage. I reminded Bluefire104 of the story of Little Red Riding Chia, and we quickly passed, but not before we spotted a large quantity of abnormally big paw prints surrounding the cottage. After quickly surveying the area, we found a number of subtle clues suggesting the presence of a large, powerful, Lupe. (Okay, to tell you the truth, we actually found a shabby letterbox with Balthazar's name on it.) But anyway, cautiously, Bluefire104 and I approached the door and used the knocker (which looked suspiciously like a Chia skull) to rap hard on the door a few times. Unexpectedly, rather than the door opening, I felt a rather large paw clamp down hard on my shoulder. In unison, Bluefire104 and I turned, to be faced with Balthazar himself, who had crept up behind us.

Bluescorchio104: Um, Mr. Balthazar, sir, we were just looking for you.

Balthazar: Be so kind to tell me why.

Bluescorchio104: Uhh, me and my Scorchio here are just a teensy-weensy itty-bitty bit curious about you.

Balthazar: What do you want to know? I'll tell you if you just get off my property.

Bluescorchio104: Well, first of all, I'd like to know, how the heck do you catch those faeries?

Balthazar: With a net.

Bluescorchio104: Could you elaborate?

Balthazar: With a big net.

Bluescorchio104: Okay, this obviously isn't going anywhere. Balthazar, could you, in detail, give me an informative summary on how you catch faeries.

Balthazar: Well, when you put it like that……… To be honest, there isn't that much to it. You just hang around a few faerie hotspots, lay a bit of bait, and crouch behind a bush.

Bluescorchio104: What kind of bait exactly?

Balthazar: My own special mixture of Splime Smoothie, mashed Strochal and a few selected herbs. Don't you get any ideas and try to catch my faeries. You have to be ultra-fit and have extremely fast reflexes to catch the little blighters, even with the bait.

Bluescorchio104: Hmmmm. Is that so? Well, I'd like to know, do you still hold a grudge against faeries, from your child hood encounter with them?

Balthazar: Yes, I do. (Bares teeth) All those faeries out there, they better be afraid, because one day I'd gonna catch every single one.

Bluescorchio104: Really? Would you describe that as a lifetime ambition?

Balthazar: Of course.

Bluescorchio104: How did you first learn to catch faeries?

Balthazar: Well, it took years of trial and error and for me to come up with the bait. While I experimented, I practised netting and honing my reflexes on Chias, mostly, until I was fast and strong enough to take on bigger opponents. When I did get the bait right, at first I caught faeries for revenge, not money. Then I realised what great money I could make, and I started selling them. I've been hunting faeries ever since.

Bluescorchio104: Wow, there's more to faerie hunting than I thought. I'm so relieved that you don't have plans to dominate the world or go on a rampage or anything. You're not as evil as I thought.

Balthazar: Who ever said anything about not going on a rampage? I told you, one day I'll bottle or destroy every faerie in Neopia, even if it means destroying the whole of Faerieland!!!!

Bluescorchio104: You can't be serious!

Balthazar: I sure am, and you can't stop me!

Bluescorchio104: I've changed my mind about you not being evil. You're just as savage as any other evil Neopet! There are hundreds of innocent Neopets living in Faerieland! What's going to happen when Faerieland is destroyed? They'll plummet to the ground!

Balthazar: (Starts to get a crazed look in his eyes) Do you think I care? I have hundreds of Frost Cannons positioned all over Neopia! When the time comes, I'll fire them all with the help of a few vengeful cohorts! Faerieland will be totally destroyed! If those Neopets want to survive, they better learn to grow wings!

Bluescorchio104: (Starts to back away from Balthazar) Um, I think I better go now. I think I hear my mother calling. See ya!

At this moment in time, I started to run away from the Balthazar. Who can tell what crazed Lupes will do? I hopped onto Bluefire104's back and we quickly soared into the sky, but not before Balthazar had fired a few shots from a camouflaged Rainbow Frost Cannon. Fortunately, the shots missed, and since Balthazar couldn't give chase, Bluefire104 and I got home to Neopia Central safely. But it does worry me, what if Balthazar uses all those Frost Cannons to destroy Faerieland? Well, I don't know, but keep an eye out.

And that brings to an end the series 'The Evil Neopet Interviews' with me, Bluescorchio104. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the series, since I had to go through considerable stress to bring write it, not to mention almost getting eaten several times, being mauled several times, and being served rubbery eggs for breakfast. However, never fear, I'll be back writing even more articles later! (As soon as I get some spare time anyway.)

*Note: I hope you managed to stay awake through this article, and the articles of this series. I apologise for the length of some of the articles, but they're pretty good articles, right? I hope I didn't say the word 'articles' too many times.

**Second note: If you did fall asleep, you better not have snored.

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