Monty Peophin and the Holy Censer: Part Four
The Isle of Krawk
After a long journey, the Knights of Omelot finally
found that, indeed, the southern path ended at a small ferry bridge, where a
boat with a crudely painted logo, "Krawk Ferry", was clearly visible floating
in the water. A somewhat ugly, scaly Neopet dressed in a heavy robe sat at the
end of the ferry, holding the long pole meant to push the boat across the waters.
Monty approached the docks with a smile. This
was all working perfectly. He guided Unbaut up to the ferry, and was about to
board, when the ferryman drew the pole out, and leveled it at Monty's throat.
"Ssstop..." the reptilian hissed. "Whosssoever ridesss the Krawk Ferry mussst
pay in advance... and face the tessst."
Maciste murmured, from the back, "You have
to be kidding me." She stepped up to the front. "What is the test, ferryman?"
The ferryman's eyes seemed to glimmer from
under his hood. "A sssimple quessstion..."
Maciste folded her arms. "Ask it, then, ferryman - I am not afraid."
The ferryman gave a menacing stare, and stated
his question. "What isss your colour?"
"Blue," Maciste answered, raising an eyebrow.
With a wave of his staff, the ferryman side-stepped
so Maciste could board. "Right, then... you may board. That will be fifty Neopoints,
"Hmmm... thank you. Thank you very much..."
Maciste bowed slightly, and climbed carefully aboard the ferry, taking two 25-NP
coins from her pouch to pay up for it..
The knights blinked and looked at each other.
Finally, Sir Rasher spoke up. "That's simple!" Standing straight and tall, he
proudly strode towards the ferryman, his petpet retinue following closely and
humming to themselves.
The gaze of the ferryman flicked to Rasher,
and his staff did likewise, coming to a halt two inches in front of his nose.
Rasher just grinned fearlessly, showing off his teeth and flicking his tail
lightly. With a click of his teeth, the ferryman repeated, "Whosssoever ridesss
the Krawk Ferry mussst pay in advance - and face the tessst."
Sir Rasher looked undaunted, as he boldly
stated, "Ask me the question, ferryman - I'm not afraid."
"What... isss the name of the Healing Faerie
in Faerieland?" the ferryman asked, with a slight sneer.
Sir Rasher opened his mouth to reply - then
blinked. "What? I don't know that!"
The ferryman's staff abruptly seemed to flash
with bright light - and Sir Rasher let out a terrified scream. When the others
could see again, they spotted Rasher, and his petpets, soaring upwards into
the sky, and flying out of sight. With a grin, the ferryman extinguished the
light, and chuckled darkly.
Eda blinked. "Wow... um... Maybe you should
go next, Sir Nimmel." Nimmel nodded, and stepped forward, blinking warily.
The ferryman, still chuckling, turned his
attentions on Nimmel. "Whosssoever ridesss the Krawk Ferry mussst pay in advance,
and face the tessst."
Nimmel took a deep breath. "All right, ferryman
- ask me the question. I am not afraid."
"What... is your favourite colour?" the ferryman
asked, smiling evilly.
Nimmel blinked - then grinned. "Blue." After
a moment's thought, he realised that Maciste's answer would not suffice here,
and quickly stammered, "No, white!" Unfortunately, it was already too late,
as the staff crackled with light, and Nimmel was sent flying upwards and far
out of sight with a howl of terror. The ferryman chuckled, and readied it again
as the light dimmed away.
Eda paced around at the back of the line.
"This is just a bit much to as-" Unfortunately, she never got to finish the
sentence, as a large brown tail snaked out abruptly from the treeline, wrapped
itself around Eda's head, and yanked her back into the forests before she could
do much more than yelp. Neither Monty or Wellington noticed, too absorbed in
how to handle this particular problem.
Finally, Monty himself stepped forward, adjusting
the horn on his crown a moment. The ferryman whipped his staff to stop in front
of Monty's nose again, intoning, "Whosssoever ridesss the Krawk Ferry mussst
pay in advance, and face the tessst."
Monty looked the ferryman in the eye. "Ask
your question, ferryman, I'm not afraid."
The ferryman sneered, obviously planning on
asking something truly wicked. "What... isss the colour of an Aisha'sss eyesss?"
Monty winced. "What do you mean - a Red Aisha,
or a Green Aisha?"
The ferryman lowered his staff. "Er... I don't
know..." His eyes widened, and the staff abruptly flashed, sending him, the
boat, and Maciste rocketing into the skies, yelling in shocked surprise.
The two of them watched the boat rise upwards
out of sight, and Wellington turned to look at Monty. "Well, now how will we
get to the island? There's no boat."
Monty considered... then brightened as if
his golden skin had just been polished. "We walk. If a ferryman can use a short
pole to push a ferry through the waters, it can't be that deep. Say, where's
After a five-minute search confirmed that
Lady Eda was no longer in the area, Monty and Wellington put on a pair of Wellington's
special-made boots, and started the long walk across the waters to the Isle
of Krawk. Although it was a wet and weary trudge, the waters indeed were only
a few feet deep. "I wonder why nobody thought to just walk across in the first
place," Wellington commented, as they trudged up onto the island's shores.
Monty, however, was intent on something in
the distance. Rising gracefully from the sands, a single tall tower surrounded
by a thick outer castle wall, and topped with a star-speckled wizard's cap was
clearly outlined against the sky. "Is that... that must be the Castle of the
Wizards of Jub! Our quest is nearly at an end..."
Wellington murmured, "Thank goodness - I think
there's a bug in my boot." Without much respect, he paused to remove his boots,
and empty the water and stray wildlife of the crossing area from each.
Monty, on the other hand, urged Unbaut onward
- with his goal so close in sight, he was in a hurry to get the Holy Censer
and return it in all its glory to the Faerie Queen. He was so happy and excited,
that he didn't realise that anything might be the matter. This ended abruptly
when a very rotten tomato hit him straight in the face, knocking him off his
Whinny and causing him to crash heavily to the ground.
From atop the castle wall, a lone Jubjub,
wearing a conical wizard hat, jeered openly. "Ah, it's you again! I told you
once, and I will tell you again, the Shop Wizards will not interfere in matters
of quests! So, you managed to avoid being frozen by the representatives of Neopian
decency last time - but if you think you were lucky last time, you will need
far more than luck here, you silly little mundane pests!"
Monty looked irate. "Oh, that does it... Wizards
of Jub, if you will not give the Holy Censer to us, we shall take your castle
by force! Stand by to attack!" He drew his sword, and stood up straight on his
fin, looking his most menacing.
The Jubjub simply snickered, and whistled;
moments later, dozens of Jubjub faces were peering over the parapets, and volleys
of rotten tomatoes followed shortly after. Wellington hid behind his shield,
while Monty hid behind Unbaut, waiting for the shower of tomatoes to end. When
at last the Jubjubs had thrown their last bit of produce, Monty rose from his
hiding place, and with his sword held high, shouted, "Charge!"
Monty and Wellington charged at the castle,
fully intent on charging up the walls and seizing it from the Jubjubs. After
some excited pointing, the Jubjubs quickly ducked behind their parapets... and
just as Monty was about to reach the castle, a Chia Police Car roared into view,
braking directly in front of the two confused knights. A familiar voice called,
"They're the ones, I'm sure..." and Monty glanced that way, getting a brief
glimpse of Maggie, the Brown Meerca, and the flash of her "Censor" badge as
she emerged from the car. However, it was too late to do much about it, as though
Monty and Wellington objected strongly, the small squad of Chia Police that
emerged from the car quickly surrounded them, seizing their weapons, and placing
them under arrest.
The last words Monty heard before the door
shut, and he was sent speeding away, were: "Monty Peophin, you are hereby charged
with slander against the Faerie Queen; use of offensive words (including 'as',
'a bit', and 'pass') in public and private places and while conversing with
a representative of the Neopets staff; and inciting other groups to use offensive
language. As such your account has been suspended until further notice, and
you will have to accompany us down to the station."
Epilogue: The story of "Monty Peophin
and the Holy Censer" was not discovered until three years later, when the
Crown of the Uni was unearthed in Tyrammet, with the single word 'Omelot' inscribed
on the inside edge. After the crown was presented to an eminent Wocky scientist
temporarily staying in the area, his research into the Crown's past unveiled
this strange legend. Some say that this is why the natives of Tyrammet named
their most prized possession after this legendary lost kingdom... Even today,
every time they eat an omelette, they think briefly upon the sad fate of the
Knights of Omelot... or simply about their supper.
Disclaimer: This series is indeed a parody of Neopian history, customs, and
certain elements of British humour. Complaints, comments, criticisms, and flowers
may be sent to WizardofAus.
Wocky Hair Grenades can be sent to a Wocky who needs them.