DEEP CATACOMBS - Buzz. You may have seen them on the streets, or run into them
in a shop, but how many of you really know them? They are practically invisible
in Neopia. Unless you collect trading cards, you may not run into them at all.
As I sat in the Coffee Shop drinking cappuccino with my Buzz, Ryumaki13, we
talked about that very issue.
Ryumaki: Seriously, Shogo. There are no Buzz games.
Shogo: No way. There must be.
Ryumaki: None. The man is tryin' to hold us down.
Shogo: Wait a second. What about that Jelly
Ryumaki laughs mirthlessly.
Ryumaki: Maybe I should have said there were no cool Buzz games. What
kind of role model is that for a young Buzz? He's got a dead-end job in a factory
as some sort of flunky to a fat, lazy Skeith with bad gas? Does that sound like
fun to you? Give me a break. What kind of message does that send? "Your life
will be so pathetic, so desperately dull, that you will PRETEND to have a job
on an assembly line FOR FUN!"
Some of the other customers look up. Mrs. Higgins, who runs the Coffee Shop,
looks over nervously. Ryumaki smiles sheepishly and lowers his voice.
Shogo: OK. I see your point. That game is kind of lame.
Ryumaki: It's worse than lame. It's a complete waste of time. You can't
even win decent Neopoints playing it. At least if you could make decent Neopoints,
people would play it. It's like the man doesn't even want people to SEE us.
Shogo: Ryu, it's a long way from having a lame game about Buzz to some
sort of Neopia-wide conspiracy against Buzz.
Ryumaki: That's what they want you to think, man. Wake up. Look at
Shogo: What about it?
Ryumaki: Look at the starring role. You need a tough but cool Neopet.
He has to be fearless. He has to zap stuff. He has to FLY.
Ryumaki: C'mon. Make a list. How many tough Neopets are there that
can zap stuff and fly?
Ryumaki: Were Wockys even ON your list, man? Instead of picking a Buzz
for the role, they just make stuff up. (Ryumaki adopts a mocking NeoHollywood
schmoozer voice) "Sure a Wocky can play this part! We'll make him some sort
of MAGICAL, flying Wocky."
Shogo: OK, that is kind of dumb.
Ryumaki: Dumb? It's outrageous. They'll give a Petpet a game of his
own before they'll give one to a Buzz. My Zebba, Arashi, will have his own game
before there's a cool game with a Buzz.
Shogo: Oh, c'mon. It can't be that bad.
Ryumaki: Two words, Shogo: "Ultimate Bullseye". Like that couldn't
have been a Buzz. We DO shoot stuff you know. I can't count the number of Tigersquash
I've zapped out of a tree.
Shogo: OK, so they did give that one to a petpet.
Ryumaki: What kind of person gives a crossbow to a petpet anyway? What
were they thinking? Somebody's going to get hurt, mark my words. But it's not
just that one. What about Faerie Cloud Racers? You can race if you're a Buzzer,
but not if you're a Buzz! And what about Deckball? Another game starring Petpets...
Shogo: Wait a second. Be fair. Buzz can't be pirates.
Ryumaki: Yeah. That's right, Shogo, Buzz can't BE pirates.
Shogo: That's not what I meant.
Ryumaki: But it's true, isn't it?
Shogo: Well... I guess.
Ryumaki: You don't guess, you know it. We'd make great pirates. How
cool would that be? A pirate ship full of Buzz would totally rule. But no. Buzz
can't BE pirates. It's not like we're Chias. Chias are everywhere. They run
shops, they run the stock market, and they're in loads of games. If there is
something in a game that a Chia can't do, they just make it a mutant Chia, or
a Chia wizard, or a robot Chia or something and give it to a Chia anyway. Anything
but a Buzz. And, no offence to Flattie, but look at all the Grundo games.
Shogo: What? You mean Grundo Snowthrow?
Ryumaki: AND they run Splat a Sloth. AND they play Gormball. AND they're
in Tug-O-War. They're everywhere. What? Like Buzz can't play Gormball?
Ryumaki: what do you mean "AND"? When Dr. Sloth tried to enslave Neopia,
he didn't have an army of BUZZ at his back, now did he? Now Grundo are everywhere.
I mean come on, the featured game even has a Grundo as the hero. They've even
gone back in time to Meridell and are running a game there. And we Buzz still
have only one TOTALLY LAME game! Another cappuccino, Mrs. Higgins!
Mrs. Higgins: I think you've had enough caffeine already, Ryumaki.
At this point Arashi, who had been unsupervised once Ryumaki got involved
in his rant, suddenly pounced on a Chia's plate at the next table, sending hot
coffee and biscotti flying in all directions. As Arashi rose into the air with
his ill-gotten booty (a tasty chocolate biscotti), Mrs. Higgins came running
toward our table shouting angrily, and the Chia rose spluttering from his chair.
We decided we would have to finish our conversation later.