The Evil Neopet Interviews: Spider Grundo
WEB OF EVIL - After one and a half years after first visiting the Gallery
of Evil, I was struck by an idea, inspired by a recent horror movie
on NTN (Neopian Television Network). That idea was: (drum roll please) none
other than to interview the Spider Grundo himself.
Of course, at the time, my tiny little mind had no clue to what dangers could
lie ahead, despite several extremely painful previous encounters with evil beings.
After toiling endlessly (okay, I actually just put up a reward of 10,000 NP
on the Message Board in return for information) I was rewarded by a small scrap
of paper under my doormat one morning. Scribbled messily upon it (it looked
like a Donksaur had tried writing with a paintball gun) were three words: The
Web Claw Guild. (Wait a minute, that's four words. I'm going insane! Or senile!
Or both! Eeeek! Wait a minute, who am I anyway? I've got amnesia!)
Anyway, that very day I went guild searching, but in spite of my efforts, I
could find nothing. That could only mean one of four things: a) I was bad at
looking for stuff b) I was really, really, really bad at looking for stuff c)
the guild didn't exist, or d) there was to be a rainstorm of Ripped Fuzzles
and Fishy Nibbles later in the day. (Hey, I actually counted them correctly!
Happy, happy, joy joy, etc., Esc, Esc) After carefully analysing options a),
b), c) and d), I came up with a new theory: that the guild was illegal. So,
naturally enough, I contacted a rather good friend of mine, who happened to
deal in not-entirely-legal enterprises. (Did I mention that my contact was a
Baby Shoyru? But hey, don't let appearances fool you, right? Do you know how
hard it is to talk seriously with someone who still wears diapers? I thought
Anyhow, after some serious cash was transferred from a certain Neopian's bank
account to another, I managed to find out the location of the guild. Surprisingly
enough, it was located right here, in my home city of Neopia Central. The next
day, I set off to find the guild with Bluefire104 (my Scorchio) and quickly
located it, after falling through several trap doors, walking through three
concealed doors and climbing through the window of a disused warehouse. Sure
enough, inside the warehouse, scrawled on a wooden wall in huge letters, were
the words, WEB CLAW GUILD. My Neopet and I were quickly surrounded by several
robed Neopets, all armed with, not surprisingly, Web Claws. After being blindfolded
and frog marched a short distance, I was released, and forced to kneel on the
dusty wooden floor at the feet of an even more heavily robed figure. The figure
threw back his hood, revealing the heavily painted face of a ….gasp….. green
Kacheek. In a grave tone, he ordered "What are you doing in the Domain of the
Web Claw Guild?"
Though at first surprised that such a rough voice could be coming from a Kacheek,
I quickly replied "I would like to request an audience with the Spider Grundo".
The Kacheek threw back his head and laughed. The laughter resonated through
the room, and needless to say, I felt very uncomfortable. The Kacheek clicked
his fingers, and one of the smaller robed figures scurried forward.
After a short whispered conversation, the smaller figure used his Web Claw
to shoot out a thin, concentrated stream of green goo, which he used to scale
the wall and climb into a small, wooden hatch on the ceiling. I was quite surprised
at this, since I am an owner of a Web Claw myself, and know Web Claws are usually
built to shoot wide webs, and the web fluid is usually an off-white colour.
After a short while, the same robed form descended from the hatch, and used
yet another stream of green goo to abseil down the wall. The robed figure then
proceeded to whisper a few words into the Kacheek's ear. In a much more sombre
voice, but in still the same gravely tones, the Kacheek solemnly declared that
I would have to be executed, as my Scorchio and I posed a threat to the existence
of the guild. Obviously, I was not too happy with the news, but since my Neopet
and I were outnumbered approximately fifty to one, there wasn't much chance
of us fighting our way out. Not to mention the only door and the window by which
I had entered were heavily guarded by yet more robed figures. I was only left
with one option.
I jumped onto Bluefire104's back, and unfortunately, unaccustomed to the sudden
weight, he collapsed to the floor. The robed figures approached slowly, obviously
confident we could not escape. Bluefire104 heaved himself up, and fired up his
wings. The sudden wind blew the hoods off some of the robed figures, revealing
ordinary Neopets. Or, at least they would have been normal, had their faces
not been coated heavily in wildly coloured paint, giving them a grotesque appearance.
I frantically urged Bluefire104 on, and in a surge of power, we left the ground,
making a beeline for the small wooden hatch in the ceiling. With screams of
rage, the robed figures started scaling the walls. Even though the ceiling was
high, ordinarily it would've taken Blufire104 only a few seconds to reach the
hatch, but unfortunately the robed Neopets started shooting blobs and streams
of goo at us, causing Bluefire104 to dodge and swerve to avoid being hit. Eventually,
we reached the hatch, which Bluefire104 incinerated with a single breath (of
course, we could have just opened it, since it was unlocked, but my Scorchio
once said "If you're in a dramatic situation, do things dramatically." And besides,
neither I or Bluefire104 are opposed to destroying property of evil fiends.)
As we shot through the hatch, I disembarked, and seeing a few spare planks
nearby, placed them over the burnt hole where the hatch once was. I had already
started placing over the planks discarded bricks, when I received a tap on the
shoulder from my Scorchio. As I turned, I saw almost the entire wall opposite
was covered in webs, and in the middle was none other than the Spider Grundo
himself. I calmly kept my composure (actually, I started going into shock, and
almost went into cardiac arrest) and asked the Spider Grundo for an interview
(in reality, it was more of a stuttered yelp). Bluefire104, reliable as ever,
resumed placing the rest of the bricks on top of the planks, in spite of constant
yelling and banging from the robed Neopets below.
Bluescorchio104: Hey, Mister Spider Grundo, nice to meet you.
Spider Grundo: Who are you? You are not of the Web Claw Guild. I demand
you explain yourself.
Bluescorchio104: I'm Bluescorchio104, a normal citizen of Neopia.
Spider Grundo: Is that so? Well, why have you come here?
Bluescorchio104: To find out more about you.
Spider Grundo: How flattering. What is it you want to know?
Bluescorchio104: Well, first of all, who the heck are those weirdos
Spider Grundo: Them? They are my followers, my worshippers. In short,
the Web Claw Guild.
Bluescorchio104: Really? Another thing; how did you get to be the way
Spider Grundo: Dr Sloth's experiments. Even I don't know exactly how
I came to be this way.
Bluescorchio104: Were the Web Claws your followers wielding normal?
Because I've never seen any Web Claws like them.
Spider Grundo: Ah, yes. The Web Claw is my personal invention. The
Brain Tree stole a copy when the Web Claw was in the early development stages.
The ruffian then proceeded to duplicate the Web Claw and distribute the copies!
The Web Claws you saw; those are the latest versions. I call them Neutro-Web
Claws. Not only do Neutro-Web Claws have further range, they are capable of
different modes, which enables them to shoot in blobs, webs, even multipurpose
thin streams used for climbing and reeling things in. The web mixture is different
from the original as well. The new mixture, though different in colour from
my own web, is a laboratory produced is almost a perfect duplicate of my own
natural web mix.
Bluescorchio104: Wow. You must be pretty smart to invent all that.
Spider Grundo: I am. When Dr. Sloth experimented upon me, he also quadrupled
my IQ. Keep in at the time of the experiment that I was already quite brilliant,
to say the least.
Bluescorchio104: Oh, and why did you make the web mixture that sickly
green colour? It kinda looks like snot.
Spider Grundo: It is snot. Well, almost. The web mixture is actually
mucus based. Specifically, it's based on a mucus sample from Meuka the mucus
Meerca himself. Luckily, the web mixture still retains some of the mucus's qualities.
This means the mucus can reproduce itself once depleted, meaning the web mixture
never runs out.
Bluescorchio104: Interesting. Well, do you have any long-term aspirations?
Spider Grundo: To efficiently become the unrivalled supreme controller
of power in Neopia.
Bluescorchio104: That means to take over Neopia, right?
Spider Grundo: Well, yes, in an ignoramus's terms.
Bluescorchio104: Why am I not surprised?
Spider Grundo: Well, what do you expect? Why should one of my intellect
and calibre be forced to adhere to the rules of a lower society?
Bluescorchio104: Just because you're smarter doesn't necessarily mean
you're better than everyone else.
Spider Grundo: Yes it does.
Bluescorchio104: No it doesn't
Spider Grundo: Does too.
Bluescorchio104: Does not.
Spider Grundo: Does too.
Bluescorchio104: Does not. And that's final. (Sticks out tongue)
Spider Grundo: (In a sulky tone) I refuse to accept that juvenile allegation.
Bluescorchio104: Whatever. How exactly do you expect to take over Neopia?
Spider Grundo: You must be of a lower intellect than I thought. Once
I obtain enough Neopets to join the Web Claw Guild, they shall march upon Neopia
under my command!
Bluescorchio104: One more question. Are the face paints really necessary?
I mean, it's a fashion disaster, just look at the colour clash! Not to mention
it's a total stereotype of a crazed mob or bloodthirsty tribe.
At this point, the bricks fell through the planks covering the hole, and hordes
of robed Neopets started swarming in. I ran over to Bluefire104, and jumped
on his back for the second time that day. Thankfully, this time he didn't collapse,
and shortly after burning a hole in the ceiling, soared up and away. Of course,
we remembered to throw a few last fireballs at the wooden warehouse, which quickly
turned into a raging inferno (it also started a few forest fires in the nearby
woods, but don't tell anyone that). I still have a feeling that we won't be
seeing the last of the Spider Grundo just yet.