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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 20th day of Hunting, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 52 > New Series > Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part One

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part One

by scriptfox

Author's note: MonoKeras recently brought me some computer disks, and said that the contents needed to be published for all the world to read. I asked him where he had gotten them, and what was on them, but he refused to tell me anything except that it was "time" now (whatever that meant.) I looked at the contents of the disks, and after a few minutes of analysis discovered that they were encoded in Pig Latin. This was something of a relief, since I had anticipated something worse. (Kau Latin, in my opinion, is best served in pies). The going was still rather slow, since I hadn't used my Pig Latin skills in a while. Even worse, the iptscrae was not the type that I was used to dealing with, but I persevered and what emerged was an amazing text.

     At first, I wasn't sure what to make of it. There was no author's name, and I had no idea of the providence of the disks. However, the writing style and contents managed to trigger my memory. I looked back through the public records, and found the Investigatory report by LittleLysshu. I was right! What I had here were diskettes containing the other half of the work which she had unearthed. Apparently, Dr. Sloth had been interrupted in his writing, and she had gotten the disks that he had set aside before he'd left to deal with other urgent business. But I digress from the text itself, which follows...

***

AHHH, MUCH BETTER. Note to self: never conquer a planet with inadequate sanitation facilities. The results will be uncomfortable and possibly disastrous for your troops, if not for you. The only possible benefit to such an invasion is that the promise of good facilities would likely cause the natives to greet you with open arms and locked knees.

     So where were we... oh yes, your basic Space Station as homebase. Now that I've had time to sit and contemplate the matter, I have decided that the technical details are best left alone at this time. The reasons are that it would...

A) be beyond the scope of this book. This is intended as a basic primer and general reference book, not a list of technical specifications. Those are best left for my autobiography.

B) pose a security risk.

     With that said, we then proceed to the next topic, which is

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -or, How To Get People To Give You Even More Than You Want

     Every Evil Overlord and Overlady knows that other people are made to be used. It is a basic instinct common in all of us. It is, in fact, so basic that you may be wondering why I even bother to bring it up. The reason is that this work is to serve you as a general reference guide (see above) as well as being a primer for the true beginner (see above).

     Sure, every Evil Overlord knows that people are made to be used, but the intelligent Overlord will treat them as the potentially valuable resources that they are. Dumping your pilot down the garbage disposal because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed (while fulfilling) can lead to inconveniences such as having to fly your own starship through the minefields.

     With that said, we first start with the general categories that people fall into. In an ideal world, there would be only two types of people:

A) Those who enthusiastically support you and do whatever you say.
B) Those who hate your guts but who can't do a thing about it.

     Both of these types provide enjoyment. As to which is best, I always maintain that is a matter of personal preference and mood. It is admittedly hard to decide as to which is more enjoyable... having people in group A grovel and prostrate themselves at your feet, or watching the people in group B hurl pathetically useless epithets, denunciations- and best of all- screams of anguish at you. (More on the screams of anguish later on in the section on dungeons- I promise!)

     Now that you know the desirable categories, here are the two undesirable categories that people fall into:

C) Those who don't know or don't care about who and what you are.
D) Those who hate your guts and who can do something about it.

     Group C is the "base group" that everyone starts out at. Your mission as Evil OverLord is to convert C to either A or B, depending on your mood of the day. As to exact techniques, these will vary from person to person. People of the opposite sex, for instance, can often be wooed into Group A, although degeneration to Group B status usually follows. General techniques will rely on basic psychological needs which everyone needs to have fulfilled, and which can be twisted to your purposes. Need a purpose in your life? Join Dr. Sloth's Army! Need to just get away and relax? Join Dr. Sloth's Army! Need to find meaning and true significance? Join Dr. Sloth's Army! I could go on, but you probably get the idea. The real problems usually come from Group D. This is the standard group that all "heroic" types generally fall into. Heroes hate competition, which is almost always their fatal flaw. After all, when they decide to go one on one with you, who loses? Precisely. If you weren't better than them, you wouldn't be an Evil Overlord now would you?

     D is also the group where you will find long-lost heirs, long-lost nephews, long-lost lovers, and other such people who somehow never stay lost for long enough to avoid causing you headaches. There are two ways to avoid this problem. First, thoroughly grill all people in group B so as to know about any possible connections beforehand. The details will have to be left up to you, but since you have read this far into my little work, I am sure that you have the imagination to fill them in. If you need any further help, some general techniques will be mentioned later. The second way to take care of these problems is to discreetly put out "heir wanted" posters. No, I'm not talking about a bounty (whatever gave you that idea?) but rather to pose as the mysterious helpful friend who clues the long-lost whatever into the real truth of things. Once you get that inside track, transferring the person from group D to group B is a cinch. Going for Group A would be a real bonus, but consider that one icing on the asparagus pie.

     Although most of your personnel problems are best handled on an individual basis- if not enjoyed on one, there is at least one problem that you will have to deal with en masse, and that is your Public Image. Remember, Image is everything in the Evil Overlord game. An Evil Overlord whose reputation can't strike fear into the hearts of perfect strangers is a simple wannabe or has-been. Either way, the results of that condition vary from ludicrous to painful. I recommend hiring a large staff of Public Relations advisors. This provides you with useful cover for following your true instincts in your own affairs while they fritter away on the outer fringes.

     Note that if you do not have the stomach for dealing with a Public Relations being, you are probably not cut out for Evil Overlord status. Go home and watch the worlds go by without you, kiddo. You will find that most PR flacks have a deep and abiding kinship and understanding of your basic world view. The only problem is that their own egos can get in the way of their judgement. At that point, you need to dispose of them before the relationship is soured by such memories as shaking hands with them in front of a camera. I usually recommend immediate transfer from Group A to Group B, with a possible side order of Finger Crisps as well.

     Transferring people out of Group C is a relatively easy and enjoyable task, but as you have probably noticed, transferring them from Group D is harder. Transfer methods generally fall into one of the following categories:

Fear

     Believe it or not, many people in Group D can and will go from D to B or A through a simple application of fear. This works because they are on the outer fringes of D. If your second cousin that you've never heard of before in your life has disappeared, just how committed are you to finding them, compared to say, keeping air flowing into your lungs? The answer should be obvious. Only fools or the completely devoted will need more strenuous methods.

Bribes

     I can hear you objecting from here. "But heroes always say they don't take bribes!" So what? What they say and what they do are two different things. Your main problem is that you probably don't believe them when they say no amount of money would buy them. I usually take that one at face value after about the third time, and I switch to other currencies. It's amazing how much better a bit of flesh will do rather than sterile points- particularly when it is applied forcefully enough. At other times, you can offer them the services of your PR team to help them achieve their true dream of fame. It's best to be subtle in any of these offers. Remember that deep down inside they want to say yes, but they don't want to admit that to themselves. The trick is to get their conscious self distracted while you deal with their slimier subconscious mind. A simple silvery pendulum might help you in this matter, along with the companion volume in this series called "Hypnosis for Dummies".

Incapacitation

     Physical or mental alterations which disable any possible resistance are a nice way to affect immediate D-B transfers.... possibly D-A ones if you're dealing with the mental stuff. The trick here is to determine the bodily or mental parts that are most likely to be used in any resistance. For example, make sure to ask if they're right or left handed BEFORE the operation.

     If you're pressed for time, there is another handy variation on this one that I call...

Total Disposal

     This technique should be perfected fairly early in life. One of the best examples was by an Evil Overlord who was an orphan at age two after his parents foolishly (for them) gave him a yo-yo to play with. They were obviously naive in forgetting what a yo-yo string can do to things like carotoid arteries and windpipes. After you have your technique perfected, you need to practice it on a continual basis. If no one from Group D is handy when you have a training session scheduled, select someone from Groups B, A, or C (in that order).

     Although you should always keep your hand in, you will find that you need to extend this technique to a much larger range than you can accomplish individually. Your troops can handle the routine jobs, but the special ones will require you to hire a hit man, or preferably, a whole team of hit men. In fact, if there are a number of Disposals to be made, I prefer to have them come through in single file and let the hit men do their job. This little technique goes by the name of a "hit parade"- I'm sure you've heard the term before.

Incarceration

     This is another quick and dirty way to accomplish dB transfers. Although it has more potential problems than the previous two techniques, it does have the nice side benefit of swelling the ranks of your B category while at the same time creating a possible profit and all sorts of other neat side benefits that I will go into in the next chapter, which is "Your Dungeon: So Much More Than A Holding Cell".

To be continued...

Previous Episodes

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Two

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Three

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Four

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