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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 3rd day of Swimming, Yr 22
The Neopian Times Week 51 > Articles > The Evil Neopets Interviews: Count von Roo

The Evil Neopets Interviews: Count von Roo

by bluescorchio104

HAUNTED WOODS - I've finally realised the amount of evil beings there are in Neopia. In particular, I've realised that some of those malicious creatures are Neopets. So, like the curious, courageous, and partly stupid reporter I am, I decided that maybe I should investigate further, and maybe do an interview or two. This led to me risking my neck, getting the socks scared off me, and nearly having a heart attack, as I slowly, bit by bit, put together and wrote this series, 'The Evil Neopet Interviews'. So, in this edition of The Evil Neopet Interviews, be prepared to find all about that fanged Dracula impersonator, Count von Roo.

After many inquiries and painstaking research, I found out absolutely nothing about this blood-sucking Blumaroo. Of, course, I then visited the Gallery of Evil, which provided some background information, but wasn't too helpful in revealing his whereabouts. So, I was forced to mingle with some shady characters in some not-exactly-legal guilds in the Haunted Woods. But, still, I had very little success in finding his location. Eventually, I was forced to scour the Haunted Woods (not a pleasant task, I can tell you) for clues. I finally found him hanging around the Battledome. Literally hanging. To be exact, he was suspended, upside down, from the branch of a withered tree. He was also licking some deep-red liquid smears (which looked suspiciously like blood) off his lips, which, understandably, made me ever so slightly nervous. In fact, I was trembling worse than a Jubjub with pneumonia in a super-ultra-hyper massage chair. Gathering up my courage (which had shattered and was lying on the ground in tiny pieces), I bravely approached Count von Roo. It was purely coincidence that I was pushing my Scorchio, Bluefire104, ahead of me. I stuttered a greeting, and asked for an interview. Count von Roo bared his fangs (a most charming sight) and agreed.

Bluescorchio104: So, sucked any blood lately?

Count von Roo: I feasted well mere minutes ago, mortal.

Bluescorchio104: Um, that was supposed to be a kinda joke….. Anyway, do you have any current plans for world domination?

Count von Roo: No. I, unlike many other warlords, am content to wait. I am prepared to wait aeons till my plans come to fruition.

Bluescorchio104: So I shouldn't be worried about you dominating the world during my lifetime, right?

Count von Roo: That is so.

Bluescorchio104: That's a relief. I've always wondered, why haven't I seen any other vampire Neopets around?

Count von Roo: I am prepared to trade that information for sustenance.

Bluescorchio104: Sustenance? What do you mean? (Realises he wants blood) Ohh, I see. Well, luckily, I always happen to carry a bottle of it around. (Hands jug containing red liquid to Count von Roo)

Count von Roo: Mmmmm. Many gracious thanks.

Bluefire104: (Whispers) Hey, Bluescorchio104, why did you give him the Fire Jug you bought from Kauvara this morning?

Bluescorchio104: (Whispers) Shhh, be quiet, and don't tell Count von Roo that.

Count von Roo: Mortal, did my esteemed ears hear you say something?

Bluescorchio104: No, don't you worry about it. So, answer my question: why haven't I seen any other vampires around?

Count von Roo: They are all currently residing in my castle.

Bluescorchio104: Wait a minute. Just how many vampires are there? And you have a castle?

Count von Roo: Yes, I do in fact have a castle. And there approximately one million three thousand vampires at my disposal. Fortunately for you, they are all hibernating till my time to seize power comes.

Bluescorchio104: Holy Kau! One million three thousand vampires! Why are they hibernating?

Count von Roo: I desire them to be hungry when they wake up. For when they wake, they shall feast like never before!!!!!!

Bluescorchio104: Hey, your castle must be pretty big to house one million three thousand vampires. Where is it?

Count von Roo: It's positioned in the Haunted Woods, but no mere bottle of fresh blood is worth me revealing it's precise location.

Bluescorchio104: One last question. Are those teeth fake? You see, they kinda look like dentures, you know, the kind my grandma has?

Count von Roo: How dare you display such insolence! I will not dignify that with a reply.

Bluescorchio104: Aren't you afraid that I'm going to go tell everyone about your castle, dentures and evil plans?

Count von Roo: They are not dentures! And you see, I don't intend to let you do tell anyone anything. Prepare to become one of my vampire minions!!!!!!!!

Bluescorchio104: Eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!! Bluefire104, time for plan B! Plan B!

Bluefire104: Plan what? Plan C? Plan T? Plan V?

Bluescorchio104: PLAN B!!!!!!!

With this last statement, I turned tail and ran, pausing only to grab Bluefire104's arm and whip him around, dragging him along with me. Just like we planned, Bluefire104 whipped out a few wooden stakes (actually a few modified Captain Threelegs Training Swords), a small sack full of garlic (in reality Chia Wort Root from the Health Food Store) and tossed me a bottle of holy water (well, technically it was just a Bottle of Water blessed by Fyora the Faerie Queen). In two simultaneous movements, I jumped onto Bluefire104's back, while Bluefire104 tossed a few garlic bulbs in his mouth and crunched them between his teeth. As Bluefire104 took off, he looked back and released a huge jet of flame smelling strongly of garlic, while I tossed the holy water as hard as I could at Count von Roo. After we had sailed to a safe altitude above the vampire, Blufire104 dropped the wooden stakes, which sliced through the air down to earth. Convinced we were safe, (I mean, if the garlic, fire or holy water didn't kill Count von Roo, surely one of the stakes would of got him) Bluefire104 and I winged our way back home.

But later that day, I had a very nasty feeling that someone was watching me. Someone with a red and black cloak, pointed fangs and a thirst for blood.

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