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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 15th day of Relaxing, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 47 > Short Stories > Of Soap, Sanitation, and Stenchpaw

Of Soap, Sanitation, and Stenchpaw

by al_the_chia

Stenchpaw's Dung House...

It was midnight in the mysterious depths of Lupe Forest. Lightening flashed and crackled outside as rain furiously poured on the roof. The tall trees swayed in the wind, their branches reaching for the sky as the angry thunder became louder and louder. Stenchpaw was trapped outside in the whole melee, banging on the dung door with all his might as he hollered at the top of his lungs. His glass roses tinkled in the rain, making a beautiful harmonious sound like the ringing of bells. But Stenchpaw wasn't paying attention to his garden. He was focused on the gigantic monstrous creature that was hot on his skunk-Lupe tail. Stenchpaw gave up beating and began to kick it, desperately trying to open it, but to no avail. "OPEN, DOOR!! QUICKLY!!" he screamed. Suddenly, he heard it.

Squeak... Squeak... Squeak...

Stenchpaw, eyes wide and filled with horror, his heart stopped with panic, slowly turned around. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Horrifically oversized grooming items were slowly shuffling towards him, squeaking and spraying as they approached Stenchpaw's doorway. A menacing bar of soap sent bubbles flying from it's foaming mouth. Perfume bottles sprayed toxic gases into the air. And, most terrifying of all, a gigantic bathtub the size of a lake, filled to the brim with soapy water, had squeaked it's way onto his front lawn. Stenchpaw froze, his mouth open in shock as the tub began to laugh.

"NOOOO!!!" he cried, as the entire porcelain pool of cleansing doom tipped over. A wave of stinging, sterilising water washed over him, destroying his dung house and drowning him in a sea of clean…

"AHHHH!!"

Stenchpaw woke up screaming, bolting straight up from his bed. He breathed heavily as he took in his surroundings. "Wh… wh… what…" Stenchpaw stared at the window with bulging eyes, panting. Although it was morning, it was still dark out. A storm was raging outside, and his window had been left open. Because of this, his dung bed, as well as himself, were thoroughly saturated in rainwater. Stenchpaw, blinking off his confused sleep, climbed out of his soaked sheets, dripping wet. His dirty feet squelched as he walked across the floor, shaking his head. "What a strange dream I was being having…" He squelched into his bathroom, where he wiped himself off with a towel. "VERY strange. Strange enough to being called… what is the word I am doing the thinking of… ah, yes, nightmare!" He tossed the towel aside, and, without brushing his teeth, combing his hair, or doing anything hygienic whatsoever, went to the kitchen. Reaching into his refrigerator, he pulled out several condiments and a loaf of bread. "I can remember it all perfectly, too… all that…" He shuddered. "Soap…" He smeared horseradish, garlic, mustard, and sauerkraut over a bun before laying down some onions, cabbage, beans, and an ancient slice of salami. After squeezing the entire mess down underneath a wholesome wheat bun, he set it onto a plate, set it onto his dung table, and chomped down. He chewed thoughtfully, savouring the smell of his delicious delight. He wiped horseradish/sauerkraut/mustard/garlic sauce off his paws before switching on his radio.

"Yes, Lucky Soap Company is proud to present the ultimate in superior sterilising, SCALD!" Stenchpaw went pale at the word soap, and quickly changed the station. "Yes, the air is sparkling clean down here at Rub-a-Tub Lake. But toxic waste from the nearby soap company has caused the water to become all soapy, killing the fish." Stenchpaw went even paler before changing the station again. "DEODORANT!" The announcer screamed. "YES, FOR JUST 4.99 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING, YOU CAN HAVE THIS SUPER RARE DEODORANT…" Stenchpaw turned the radio off. "Something is being wrong…" he muttered. Suddenly, Stenchpaw noticed the plate his sandwich was resting on. It was too clean. Stenchpaw gasped. "OH MY!!" He hurled it out the window, sandwich and all. With a nervous sigh, he looked around his dung kitchen. "Much…too…clean…" he muttered.

He reached into his refrigerator and pulled out a gallon of neocola, which he poured all over the floor, creating several large stains. He reached underneath his kitchen sink and pulled out all the sanitising cleansers, hurling them one by one out the window. Thornpaw the white Lupe, who was walking past the house under a broad umbrella, got hit by a bottle of toilet cleanser.

"What the…" Thornpaw made sure his favourite red scarf wasn't bleached by the spilled cleaning fluid, then looked into the window. Stenchpaw was pouring foul-smelling horseradish all over his head and rubbing it in. "STENCHPAW?!?" Thornpaw gasped. "What are you…"

"STAY AWAY!!" he yelled, hurling a sponge at him.

Thornpaw used his umbrella as a shield, and the sponge bounced harmlessly off.

"YOU HAVE DEODORANT ON!! I CAN SMELL IT!! I KNOW YOU ARE BEING TOOKEN A SHOWER THIS MORNING!! GET YOUR CLEANESS AWAY!!"

Thornpaw gasped. "He's gone mad!" Dodging a pine-tree air freshener by inches, he dashed down the path. "I've got to get Al!!"

A while later...

Al the Lupologist, clothespin on his Chia nose, carefully opened the door, taking off his raincoat and peeking his head into the empty house. A horrible stench that was ten times worse than Stenchpaw's normal stench filled the house. Al crept in, Fluffy slithering close behind.

"Hello?" he gulped.

Suddenly, Stenchpaw appeared, carrying a moldy potato. He snarled as he saw Al.

"STAY AWAY!! YOU HAVE MINTY FRESH BREATH!"

Al stepped back, smiling nervously. "Now, take it easy…"

"SEE?!?! SPARKLING WHITE TEETH!" Stenchpaw pounced on Al, holding the potato up into the air. "I SHALL MAKE ALL OF YOU PETS THE DIRTY!! I SHALL MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD THE DIRTY! THEN, I WILL NEVER HAVE TO BE WORRYING ABOUT CLEANING THE STUFF AGAIN!!"

Al screamed as he raised the potato, but then Fluffy made his move. With a war cry, he slammed his head into Stenchpaw's, knocking him out and sending him sprawling. The potato flew from his paw and smashed onto the ground, burning a hole where it landed. Al gasped, standing up, putting on gloves, and checking Stenchpaw's pulse. With a sigh, he turned to his loyal Petpet. "Fluffy! You saved my life! Again!"

Fluffy hissed with dignity, his tongue flickering as he stood on top of Stenchpaw like he won an award. Al grabbed Stenchpaw by the tail and dragged him over to his Dung Couch. With a sigh, he heaved Stenchpaw on, then looked to Fluffy.

"Do we have anything that can tie him up?"

Fluffy handed him a long length of rope, nodding. Al took it and tied Stenchpaw to the dung furniture.

"All right, let's wake him up!" Al slapped Stenchpaw on the cheek, bringing him to an angry awakening.

"AHHHH!! KEEPING IT AWAY!! KEEPING IT A…" He blinked, turning to Al. "Al? Fluffy? What is being the going on?"

Al sighed. "I think you just has what we like to call a 'Obsessive-Compulsive Unsanitary Disorder.' This means that you have some kind of chronic fear against things that are not swarming in bacteria, and a deep obsession to make them as dirty as possible."

Stenchpaw looked around. "Wow… I guess I was getting a little carried away, no?"

"Well," Al began. "I think we had better find out WHY you had this little episode, so that we can prevent it from happening again in the future. Fluffy?"

Fluffy handed him his tape recorder. Al flipped it on.

"Psycholupological expedition #555444," Al murmured into it. He set it onto a nearby dung coffee table before continuing. "So, Stenchpaw…" Al fixed his glasses, tugged on his lab coat, and reclined into the dung chair he was in. "I'm going to hypnotise you to try and discover the source of this fear, this need to soil. Now, calm down. Breath in deep, and close your eyes. Fluffy is going to provide a helping hand…" With that, Fluffy bashed him over the head again, and he promptly fell asleep. Al leaned in close to Stenchpaw's ear and began to whisper. "You are going back, back, further and further still, back to where it all began…"

Stenchpaw's Past...

Madame Bripaw Lupaire shook her son awake. "Wake up, my little buttercup!" She smiled. "It is time for your morning shower!" Stenchpaw gasped. He was always a grubby little Lupe who got into messes very easily.

"No, no!!" he screamed. "No, Mama! No!!"

"Sorry, Stenchy…" Madame Bripaw picked her son up out of the bed and dragged him over to a pristine-conditioned porcelain bathroom. Stenchpaw began to kick and scream even louder.

"NO!!! NO!!" Madame Bripaw, after a hard struggle, forced her son into the tub. With a sigh, she turned on the cold water. Stenchpaw bristled and began to bawl as the ice-cold H20 hit his fur.

"WAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Once again, he began to struggle, but Madame Bripaw had the advantage. With a sigh, she wrestled him down and began to scrub his head. Stenchpaw grabbed the scrub brush with his teeth and snapped it in two.

"REALLY!" She snapped. "That was the last brush we had in the house! You should be ashamed!"

Stenchpaw scowled as she continued with a sponge and a bottle of shampoo, finally halting his struggle. After several minutes of painful scrubbing, Stenchpaw was finally rubbed clean. Madame Bripaw nodded as she wiped him off with a towel. "Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Stenchpaw ignored her, sniffing around for something outside that was disgusting enough to roll in and get his scent back. Bripaw grabbed her son by the paw and walked him out of the bathroom and into the hall, where his father, Monsieur Pierrepaw Lupaire, waited. Pierrepaw, who originally spoke French, was the cause of Stenchpaw's funny accent, his mother originally speaking English. He was the cleanest Lupe that you could have ever met in your lifetime. A spotless jacket was worn over his brushed, trimmed, and washed skunk-coloured fur, and his eyes were constantly glaring around, as if something unclean were about to jump out and ruin his perfection. Although he usually smiled at his son with adoration, and fussed over how well he trimmed his nails or combed his hair, at this moment he glared at his son with a look like he was glaring at a mound of dung.

"Are you being remembering the visit we had to Monsieur Pawpoleese the Doctor the other day?" Stenchpaw nodded. "Well, it is being appearing as though you are being having a very rare disorder indeed, my…" He paused for a moment. "…son…" He pulled out a moustache comb and quickly brushed it through his whiskers before continuing. "You are being having a very rare disease…" His glare became even colder. "This disease was being from that encounter with that foul-smelling plant that sprayed into your face… Remember that?" Stenchpaw nodded. "That is being the Eternal Skunkablossom. The person who it hits has a eternal smell attached to them…a smell that is being the most hideous odour in the world." His father cringed. "Although right now you are only being smelling of sour onions, the doctor said in a few years time, it will be being worse." He began to pace back and forth. "You will be going from onions to rancid eggs, to dead fish, to mounds of garbage, and finally, when you become a teenager…" He covered his eyes in shame. "You will have a smell so horrible, so disgusting, that people will flee at the slightest trace of your existence… You will not be able to go outside, you will not be able to wear ANY kind of deodorant to hide it…" With an angry fist pounding on a nearby table, he snarled. "And this is being meaning that you cannot inherit the family Soap business!"

Quickly, he took his paw off the table and cleaned the spot where he had pounded with a rag in his pocket. "No Pawpaw!!" Stenchpaw gasped.

Although he was still small, he could understand what this meant for his future. His father sighed, sitting into a chair. "Therefore, I have made you an apprentice to the…"

His mother sobbed. "NO! NOT…"

"The Fishmonger," he finished grimly.

Stenchpaw gasped. "NO!!! NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOO…"

Stenchpaw's House...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Stenchpaw leapt off the couch and grabbed Al around the neck, throttling him as he bellowed. "I DON'T WANNA BE BEING WORKING AT THE FISHMONGER!! YOU CAN NEVER BE BEING MAKING ME!!! NEVER!!!" Suddenly, Stenchpaw woke up. "I can being remembering!!… I can being remembering now!! My father would have been being succeeding in making me the Fishmonger, but I was running away with the help of my mother…I took a boat to Neopia Central, and then came to the Lupe forest, the only place where I could be being living in the solitude…" He looked around his dung house. "Since I smelled like Dung, I was being thinking that I would have to surround myself with Dung-Smelling things… eat disgusting smelling foods… associate myself with disgusting smelly people… I thought I would be happier that way…" he sighed. "But now, look at me! I am being sitting on a mound of dung, feeling sorry for myself!" With a sob, he collapsed back onto his dung couch, wailing and sniffling. "Oh, thank you Al!! You have helped me resolve my Obsessive-Compulsive Unsanitary Disorder!!" Al, who was still clutched in his paws, let out a stifled gurgle. "Oh, I am being sorry…" Stenchpaw let go, and Al collapsed to the floor.

Al got up, brushing himself off and smiling. "Well, I suppose that's all well and good… but I'm afraid that disease, which is very uncommon in the Lupe World, has no cure."

Stenchpaw nodded. "Yes, but I think that I got over it."

"WHAT?!?!" Al gasped. "I mean, what made you think so?"

"Well, whenever I am being smell myself, I am never detecting a hint of anything horrible smelling. Of course, I never did smell anything, even when I had the disease, but…" Stenchpaw smiled. "And after I was being moving to Lupe Forest, no one seemed to notice the smell. I am being almost certain that I do not smell anymore!" Stenchpaw grinned, then turned to Al. "You are being thinking so too, right?"

Al, who still had the clothespin on his nose, nodded. "Um…Yeah! You smell… erm… great! Like a mound of roses!"

Stenchpaw nodded. "Thanking you! You are being smelling of niceness too, no?" Stenchpaw shook Al's paw. "Well, I'm certain you have a lot of lupological things you have to be doing… I shall be being seeing you soon, hopefully!"

"All righty, Stenchpaw!" Al smiled tentatively. "Don't go insane while I'm away!"

"All right, Al! Goodbye!!"

Stenchpaw walked Al out the door, waving and closing it behind him as Al walked into the rain. He looked at his kitchen floor. Not only was there spilled neocola, but there were also mud prints from Al's muddy shoes. "Boy… that is being a big mess…" He grabbed a mop and began to wipe it up, until the floor was satisfactory. He looked around his kitchen. "Oh dear… Everything seems too dirty now…" Stenchpaw suddenly grabbed a bottle of disinfectant. "I'LL HAVE TO BE MAKING SURE THAT I KILL EVERY SINGLE BACTERIA IN THIS HOUSE!! HAAAA HA HA HA HAAA!!! DIE!!!"

Just then, Thornpaw walked the other way past his house, still carrying the umbrella. Stenchpaw ran to the window.

"THERE!!"

Thornpaw ducked as Stenchpaw hurled a dirty plate at him.

"HELP!!" He screamed, fleeing as Stenchpaw leapt out the window and chased after him with a toilet bowl cleaner.

"Stenchpaw has gone mad again!"

"JUST LETTING ME BE KILLING THAT COLD VIRUS IN YOUR NOSE, THORNPAW!! YOU WON'T BE BEING SNEEZING SO MUCH!!"

Stenchpaw waved his cleaning brush into the air, cackling as he dashed past Al and stepped on Fluffy, who hissed angrily and began chasing after Stenchpaw. They dashed off into the sunset, screaming and yelling as Al sighed. "Oh Piffle… I should seek counseling…"

The End

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