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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 4th day of Hiding, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 38 > Articles > The Probably-Doomed Esophagor Quests Article

The Probably-Doomed Esophagor Quests Article

by epk

If you didn't read The Biggest Mystery Island Kitchen Article of All Time, well, do so. If you don't know who in the haystack the Esophagor is, you must be new.

First of all, here's the official NeoPets Biography of the Esophagor!

Living in the ground under the Haunted Woods, the Esophagor is always hungry. When he rises out of the ground, he will always find *something* to eat. So the next time you hear the floor shake... make sure you have some food on you to feed to this beast.

Wow... well, I was in the Haunted Woods and the floor... or whatever that dark soil is, shook. I was surprised when the Esophagor, probably a six metre high beast with a four metre mouth, shot out of the ground. Knowing what had happened to that poor spotted Kacheek weeks ago, I quickly pulled out my Kung-Fu-Thing and started attacking. I was probably later the first human Battledome victim in ages. I pleaded for the Esophagor not to turn me in a mutant monster and slave for all eternity and a day, so he made a deal. He told me, "II AMMM HUNGGRRYYY." I gasped. In evil-being-wanting-to-kill-you language, that means "I AM HUNGRY AND YOUR GONNA GO GET ME MY FOOD SO THERE!" I responded in my fluent EBMTKY, "No I wont help you" which is really, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOUR CREEP! YOU MADE ME FORGET A ' and a !" He stuck out his evil hand of doom (which is missing a finger) and pulled me in. "NOW!" So I did.

What the evil-mound-of-blue-soil wanted was Chocolate Covered Peanuts. Yum. And no wonder-4,222 NP for a two-pound bag! Oh, was I excited, and so was the Esophagor. He devoured the peanuts and gave me a Purplum and Cheese Sandwich. Which has a Shop Wizard Average of 300 NP and some pocket lint. Before I could leave the Esophagor broke out in tears. "WAHH!" he wailed. I thought to go get his mummy or daddy, but A) The Lake of Esophagor Tears engulfed me and B) His Daddy? Are you serious?

I asked him what is wrong. He responded, "I'm allergic to peanuts!" Well, the product did contain traces of peanut... so I volunteered to help him again, and get outta there before the Haunted Woods became the Next Maraqua.

What I needed was three items: Pumpkin Pie, Pickled Eyeballs, and Toffee Classic. What I also really needed was a 95% discount. Okay, maybe the items weren't that expensive. The Pickled Eyeballs was the most expensive, 1,888 NP and I bought if from the same place I bought the Chocolate Covered Peanuts. It was approx. 2,900 NP total. I gave it to the monster when he was crying "Mmmmmmm Nowww Essoophagorr happy!!!!" I got in return: a Beef Rouladen, 370 NP in the making.

On my way back I saw the Brain Tree. "Hey Dude!" I yelled. The Brain Tree swelled it's brain. It yelled, "KNEEL BEFORE TREE!" I pulled out my secret weapon, the Tree Clippers. "One move Mr. Brain, and it's off a branch for you!" I became the first human Battledome twice-in-row pain staked victim. It boomed again, "KNEEL BEFORE TREE!" I pulled out my secret weapon, the Television. "Another move Exposed Gray (Brown) Matter, and I'll turn this on." I thought that may work, you know the old legend: Television rots the brain. Well, apparently to all those parents out there, IT DOESN'T! The Brain Tree turned it to Neopia Channel One just in time for the 9 o' clock news. Rats! The Brain Tree gave me my punishment in EBMTKY, "Tell me when Chester Korbat died, and where!"

Now who would know that? I asked the Esophagor. Instead he gave me another quest which cost me 16,000 NP total! The Esophagor slurped down food. He told me he had read the newspaper while I was away and found out Chester Korbat was killed in 31 BN. I asked him if he knew where, and he wanted another 2 Chocolate Covered Peanuts (Uh... didn't we just learn this lesson?) & Pumpkin Slice. It cost me 20 grand at the very least. Then the Esophagor told me C.K. died in the Lightning Swamp.

I rushed over to the Brain Tree. "C.K. Died at the Lightning Swamp in 31 BN!" The Brain Tree smiled a evil sorta not so smile and yelled, "CORRECT! HERE IS 1554 NP..." which is a lot, and: BRAIN TREE SPLINTERS! Boo-yah! Except, how much are they worth? 2,000 NP SWA! That covers for almost, none of my cost!

Anyway, I'm starting a WEGBBEBTWLHBIPLTEGND Fund. That is an acronym for When Epk Gets Bothered By Evil Beasts That Won't Let Him Be In Peace Like That Evil Goat Next Door. (In EBMTKY, "ARGH!") Why? Because Jhudora the Dark Faerie is ripping you off while looking through the window for her next victim... erm... volunteer! Bye in six other languages until next time!

egold: Hey, epk dropped a piece of paper before he left for the post office! I wonder what it says...

spacegold: Oh... oh... I wanna see!

splashgold: Calm down you Gelert and Grundo! Let's see... give Esophagor Peanuts for his Birthday.

lizzagold: What does that mean?

All of epk's NeoPets: Hmm... I wonder.


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