If you didn't read The
Biggest Mystery Island Kitchen Article of All Time, well, do so. If
you don't know who in the haystack the Esophagor is, you must be new.
First of all, here's the official NeoPets Biography of the Esophagor!
Living in the ground under the Haunted Woods, the Esophagor is always hungry.
When he rises out of the ground, he will always find *something* to eat. So
the next time you hear the floor shake... make sure you have some food on you
to feed to this beast.
Wow... well, I was in the Haunted Woods and the floor... or whatever that
dark soil is, shook. I was surprised when the Esophagor, probably a six metre
high beast with a four metre mouth, shot out of the ground. Knowing what had
happened to that
poor spotted Kacheek weeks ago, I quickly pulled out my Kung-Fu-Thing
and started attacking. I was probably later the first human Battledome victim
in ages. I pleaded for the Esophagor not to turn me in a mutant monster and
slave for all eternity and a day, so he made a deal. He told me, "II AMMM HUNGGRRYYY."
I gasped. In evil-being-wanting-to-kill-you language, that means "I AM HUNGRY
AND YOUR GONNA GO GET ME MY FOOD SO THERE!" I responded in my fluent EBMTKY,
"No I wont help you" which is really, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOUR CREEP! YOU MADE
ME FORGET A ' and a !" He stuck out his evil hand of doom (which is missing
a finger) and pulled me in. "NOW!" So I did.
What the evil-mound-of-blue-soil wanted was Chocolate Covered Peanuts. Yum.
And no wonder-4,222 NP for a two-pound bag! Oh, was I excited, and so was the
Esophagor. He devoured the peanuts and gave me a Purplum and Cheese Sandwich.
Which has a Shop Wizard Average of 300 NP and some pocket lint. Before I could
leave the Esophagor broke out in tears. "WAHH!" he wailed. I thought to go get
his mummy or daddy, but A) The Lake of Esophagor Tears engulfed me and B) His
Daddy? Are you serious?
I asked him what is wrong. He responded, "I'm allergic to peanuts!" Well, the
product did contain traces of peanut... so I volunteered to help him again,
and get outta there before the Haunted Woods became the Next Maraqua.
What I needed was three items: Pumpkin Pie, Pickled Eyeballs, and Toffee Classic.
What I also really needed was a 95% discount. Okay, maybe the items weren't
that expensive. The Pickled Eyeballs was the most expensive, 1,888 NP and I
bought if from the same place I bought the Chocolate Covered Peanuts. It was
approx. 2,900 NP total. I gave it to the monster when he was crying "Mmmmmmm
Nowww Essoophagorr happy!!!!" I got in return: a Beef Rouladen, 370 NP
in the making.
On my way back I saw the Brain Tree. "Hey Dude!" I yelled. The Brain Tree
swelled it's brain. It yelled, "KNEEL BEFORE TREE!" I pulled out my secret weapon,
the Tree Clippers. "One move Mr. Brain, and it's off a branch for you!" I became
the first human Battledome twice-in-row pain staked victim. It boomed again,
"KNEEL BEFORE TREE!" I pulled out my secret weapon, the Television. "Another
move Exposed Gray (Brown) Matter, and I'll turn this on." I thought that may
work, you know the old legend: Television rots the brain. Well, apparently to
all those parents out there, IT DOESN'T! The Brain Tree turned it to Neopia
Channel One just in time for the 9 o' clock news. Rats! The Brain Tree gave
me my punishment in EBMTKY, "Tell me when Chester Korbat died, and where!"
Now who would know that? I asked the Esophagor. Instead he gave me another
quest which cost me 16,000 NP total! The Esophagor slurped down food. He told
me he had read the newspaper while I was away and found out Chester Korbat was
killed in 31 BN. I asked him if he knew where, and he wanted another 2 Chocolate
Covered Peanuts (Uh... didn't we just learn this lesson?) & Pumpkin Slice. It
cost me 20 grand at the very least. Then the Esophagor told me C.K. died in
the Lightning Swamp.
I rushed over to the Brain Tree. "C.K. Died at the Lightning Swamp in 31 BN!"
The Brain Tree smiled a evil sorta not so smile and yelled, "CORRECT! HERE IS
1554 NP..." which is a lot, and: BRAIN TREE SPLINTERS! Boo-yah! Except, how
much are they worth? 2,000 NP SWA! That covers for almost, none of my cost!
Anyway, I'm starting a WEGBBEBTWLHBIPLTEGND Fund. That is an acronym for When
Epk Gets Bothered By Evil Beasts That Won't Let Him Be In Peace Like That Evil
Goat Next Door. (In EBMTKY, "ARGH!") Why? Because Jhudora the Dark Faerie is
ripping you off while looking through the window for her next victim... erm...
volunteer! Bye in six other languages until next time!
egold: Hey, epk dropped a piece of paper before he left for the post office!
I wonder what it says...
spacegold: Oh... oh... I wanna see!
splashgold: Calm down you Gelert and Grundo! Let's see... give Esophagor
Peanuts for his Birthday.
lizzagold: What does that mean?
All of epk's NeoPets: Hmm... I wonder.