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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 19th day of Relaxing, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 38 > Short Stories > Big, Bad, Green

Big, Bad, Green

by scriptfox

Hi there. My name is blchocobo. No, it's not capitalised--I'm not that kind of pet. I have an older brother, MonoKeras, with two capitals in his name. He's a "flashy golden Uni", to quote him, and he's got all sorts of talents and fame and stuff that I don't have. Some people think that I would begrudge him all of his advantages, but the truth is I don't. I'm happy to let him have all of his fun, while I get to hang around the house and sunbathe. I'm a Blumaroo, and we come from Mystery Island. Not only that, but I'm a desert Blumaroo, so the sun and I are good friends. But when that gets too boring, I can always go play conscience to MonoKeras. He thrives on trouble, and that means there's always room for a good word of caution to be slipped in somewhere. He likes nightlife, too, but I've always had bad luck with that myself.

Take the time not long ago when I was at the Grundo's ear (complete with green something or other nailed to the sign outside.) I was sitting at a bar stool sucking on a pineapple slushie when the breath was driven from me by a huge hand that slammed itself down on my shoulder. I was jerked up as a voice grunted in my ear, "Outta my seat, runt."

The hand dropped me onto the floor and I picked myself up to see a huge mountain of muscular red scales, topped with an imposing metal helmet. The Koi warrior smirked down at me. "Hey, looky, it's a desert Blumaroo So tell me, dessie, do your eyes really glow red when you're mad? huh? huh?" He didn't wait for an answer. He leaned forward into my face and then snickered. "Let's make you mad and see." With that, he began slapping my face back and forth. My mask helped protect me from the blows, but even so my ears were starting to ring as my vision jerked from side to side.

I didn't give him any other response, so the Koi Warrior soon tired of his little game. He lounged back and remarked, "I figured that. They're all fakes- look at that, he isn't glowing at all, just stands there."

"Maybe he isn't mad," said a Faerie dressed in a light blue furred robe.

The Koi Warrior gave out a booming laugh. "You're probably right, sweets. He must be one of those wimpy little pets that never get mad at anything. Well, what have we got here?" He picked up my slushie from the bar. "Look at this! A wimpy little drink for the wimpy little pet. Here, pet, take your slushie and scram."

I began to reach for the slushie he held in one huge paw, but he jerked it back and then tossed the contents of it into my face. I simply stood there and let juice drip off my mask as he roared with laughter. I couldn't afford to get mad. Unlike MonoKeras, I don't have a lot of strength and other skills- and I think even MonoKeras would lose against this guy. I simply turned to leave.

But the Koi Warrior wasn't through humiliating me yet. I felt a giant kick in my backside that lifted me into the air and halfway across the room. I skidded to a stop underneath a table and curled up there for a minute. I felt like a piece of bread that had just been shot out of a giant toaster. I hurt, and I was burning both with some physical scrapes, and the utter humiliation of it all. I just laid there and listened to the Koi Warrior laughing it up with his Battledome buddies. After a few minutes, I figured I'd been forgotten, so I crawled out and managed to sneak away.

The only thing that kept it from being a total disaster was the sympathetic look I caught from the Snow Faerie on my way out.

Over the next few weeks, the Koi Warrior started to haunt me. I'd be on an errand in the mall, or strolling through the park, or even just sitting by the rainbow pool, and there he'd be. Sometimes he might ignore me, but usually I could figure on at least one good hit--either a slap, a kick, or just a shove. Sometimes he pretended it was an accident, as if I weren't there. Sometimes he sneered at me. I don't know what it was about me or my slushie that got him started, but he sure wasn't ready to stop. I began to fantasise about how to get rid of him.

It all sort of came to a head the day the mutants had their rally. I was there when they paraded by, holding their signs that read "Don't blame us for our looks!", "We hate Sloth more than you do!", "Mutants have feelings too!" and other similar sayings. I was watching it rather apprehensively. I don't mind rallies, exactly, but ever since I got caught up in the Blumaroo rallies in Terror Mountain, I've been a bit hesitant about them. I remember all too well the outcomes of those.

It turned out that the trouble wasn't going to come from the mutants, though. I saw the tall red figure of the Koi Warrior, accompanied by the clanking metal hulk of the Robo Grarrl, and the Green limbs of the Spider Grundo. There were a few more Battledome fighters in their little group, too, but I didn't quite make them out. All I heard was the huge bellow of laughter from the Koi Warrior. "Hey gang!" he said to his buddies, "what does this look like to you?"

I heard them laughing and jeering at the crowd of mutants, but the real action began when the Koi Warrior picked up on what one of them said and replied, "They're waiting for someone, it may as well be us!"

That was the signal for a full scale assault on the protesters. Ugly mutant brown hides, scales, fangs, and claws suddenly turned onto the Battledome fighters as they dove into the march. I shuddered, pitying the mutants. Sure enough, they began to suffer immediately. Like over ninety-nine percent of Neopets, they were just no match for the huge warriors.

I couldn't watch it anymore. I turned to leave, with one paw holding my stomach as it tried to be sick. It was then that I bumped into the old Gelert standing behind me. "Whoa, sonny," he said, as he prevented me from falling. "Don't be in such a hurry to run away."

"Sorry," I replied. "It's just that I don't like seeing that..." I motioned back behind me.

The Gelert nodded. "I know just what you mean. You were probably thinking about how you might even get back at them, weren't you?" He looked at me shrewdly. I just nodded a bit. "You're not the first one, son. I've looked into it as well, and I'm afraid it may be hopeless."

"Why?" I blurted. "They're nothing but a gang of thugs, why doesn't someone stop them?"

"Because they're a very successful gang of thugs. But you really do them an injustice by calling them a gang. That red warrior fellow is the worst of the lot. Ever since he lost his home, I think he really doesn't give a rip about anyone or anything. He just starts trouble and leads everyone else into it."

"But couldn't the Battledome league just ban him, then?"

"Sure, if they wanted to--but he's one of their best, most colourful fighters. They wouldn't do that. Nope, the only way you could convince them to really discipline him is to show them that he can't do a good job. Not an easy thing to do."

"I guess not." My shoulders drooped with despair, and I left without saying goodbye.

I didn't realise that I'd headed for MonoKeras' office until I found my hands on the doorknob. That pulled me out of my daze, and I walked into the room with an idea forming in the back of my mind.

"Blchocobo!" MonoKeras cried happily when he looked up.

"Hi, MonoKeras," I replied. I sat down in his client chair.

"Have a seat--oh, you already beat me to it. Hey, what brings you by here? Anything on your mind?"

"Maybe," I replied. "Have you heard of the Koi Warrior?"

"Sure, he's a big fighter in the Battledome. I haven't ever tackled him, though, he's out of my league. What brings him up?"

"Well...." I hesitated.

MonoKeras laughed. "Come on, brother, spit it out, it can't be that bad!"

If you only knew, I thought bleakly. "Well... does he have any weaknesses?"

MonoKeras blinked. "Weaknesses? I suppose so. As the Techo Master says, everyone has a weakness, even if that just means they're not as good at some things as others." He frowned at me. "I still don't get it. What's the big deal?"

I ducked my head a bit to hide my grimace. "Could you find out what they are?"


"I want to know the Koi Warrior's weaknesses."

MonoKeras gave a one-sided grin. "Don't tell me my own brother is about to hire me to do some investigating?"

"I guess I am"

"Hmmm..." a calculating look crossed his face. "Now what could I charge my brother to work for him, let's see...."

"Please don't let it be too expensive," I said. I fought to keep a pleading tone out of my voice, but I guess I didn't quite succeed.

MonoKeras looked hurt. "I was just teasing! I'll be glad to do it for you, and don't worry about pay--you've already worked it out these past few months while I.... well, enough said about that!"

"OK," I agreed happily. I left feeling much better than when I came in. With MonoKeras looking into it, I felt sure of getting some good results.

Results weren't long in coming. The next morning, MonoKeras told me to come by his office at about ten and he should have the results of his research for me. I came in to find him sitting at his desk, with mane straggling every which way--the very picture of exuberant exhaustion. If I hadn't seen him at home just a couple of hours earlier, I would have been concerned about his health, but I knew that it was mostly an act. He's always had a flair for the dramatic.

"Ahh, blchocobo, just the Blumaroo I was waiting for!" he crowed.

"Hi," I said, "did everything work out OK?"

"It worked perfectly," he chortled. "And boy is this juicy. Just wait till you hear this!!"

I heard, and he was right. It was great, and I didn't blame him for laughing. I left with an immediate plan in mind. I stocked up with some secret weapons and headed towards the Central Neopian Battledome. I got lucky there--the Koi Warrior was fighting there that day, and I managed to get a ticket into one of the front rows without much trouble.

I sat there, clutching my bag to myself as I watched the Koi Warrior stride out and parade before his cheering fans. Then the challenger, a blue Shoyru, entered. He got some cheers too, though not as loud. The battle started off, and they both danced around the ring, hurling fire and using a dizzying array of weapons. I waited until the Shoyru was between the Koi and me before I tossed my first weapon into the ring.

I bit back a groan as it didn't go far enough. Instead of landing between the two combatants, it landed behind the Shoyru. He took a step back, hit it, and his feet flew out from under him. A bunch of pets gasped, waiting for the Koi Warrior to pounce on his fallen opponent. But he didn't do it! He simply stood there, gaping at what now lay between them. I didn't wait for him to recover. I tossed another one into the ring. He danced backwards, gulping with fear. The Shoyru looked up just in time to see my third missile arc through the air towards the Koi Warrior.

Catcalls came from the crowd as the Koi Warrior huddled back into a corner, eyes darting wildly. The Shoyru lost no time in seizing the advantage. He jumped to his feet, grabbed my weapons, and sprang at the Koi Warrior, brandishing the green, leafy stalks and screaming defiance.

The Koi Warrior panicked. He turned, jumped the ropes, and ran out through the crowd. The Shoyru stood there, crowing triumphantly as he held his victory weapons aloft, while news hounds shot their flashbulbs in his face. Everyone in the crowd was laughing and I couldn't blame them. There, for all the world to see, stood the pet who had put the mighty Koi Warrior to flight by simply threatening him... with three stalks of asparagus!

As it turned out, I never did need to write that letter to the Battledome people. They suspended the Koi Warrior while they gave him a thorough psychological examination. I don't know how he got his phobia about asparagus, but I was relieved to hear that they cured him from not just that, but from a lot of his nastiness as well.

Looking back, I wasn't too surprised to hear that. If I had a vision of green stalks stalking me in the back of my mind, I'd be nasty too!

The End

Although I would love to claim full credit for the quirky originality of this story, many of the key elements were thought up by someone else. This story was originally custom made for the Neopian Times Appreciation Guild as a submission in their Writing Challenge Contest.

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