The task of interviewing a ghost is more difficult than your average Neopian
would assume. Firstly, there's the sight problem. Ghosts, owing to their doubtful
status in the living organism department, are not always particularly visible.
This trick of theirs has led many Neopian skeptics to believe that ghosts are
not real--in fact, one school of thought teaches that they are a figment of
our pet's imagination. The other main Ghost Skeptic view is that the shady Shadow
Government let the ghosts loose to cause excitement and attract attention to
the supposed crime problem in Neopia, a problem which the Shadow Government
is basing much of its manifesto!
Still, even with the Ghost Skeptics throwing a poltergeist in the works, the
fact remains that most Neopians take wandering ghosts as a fact of life. Sooner
or later, that jar of pickled olives or that delicious Pepperolive Pizza will
be taken by one of these traveling thieves, and why mind? After all, olives
and pizza aren't exactly the most valuable items in our Neopian world. Why start
crying over spilt toppings?
The Neopian Times smelt a fish, saw a rat, and filched a grand disguise. Reporter
pythonaddict812 was released in the small hours of Friday night to discover
the real story behind the petty thief facade of the Wandering Ghosts, and managed
to find Toldja Soh, chief of the thieves and Head Wandering Ghost of all Neopia,
to interview. (The reporter was dressed as a Zafara at the time). Here is the
full story on ghosts, from our reporter on the spot.
pythonaddict812: I feel very privileged to be able to spend this time with
you, Mr. Soh. I suppose you realise that journalists all over Neopia have been
struggling to gain this opportunity, and every time, your Ghost Council has
refused them?
Toldja Soh: Well, you can't have our secrets being disclosed to all the petty
little ignorant Jubjubs of the world, can you? I mean, pardon me for being haughty,
but that ferreting little rat--excuse me, rats don't ferret--that ferreting
little ferret you-know-who has been trying to discover our methods of burglary
for eighteen years, and he still hasn't succeeded!
pa812: You-know-who? Who's that? Or are you taking a fair piece from Harry
Potter?
TS: Harry Potter! (laughs maliciously) That so-called wizard. We, little Zafara,
know far more about magic than any wizard ever written about, from Merlin to
Earthsea to that funny fellow in the Marketplace with the pointy hat! You know
who the REAL hero of that Potter story is, don't you?
pa812: Well, I've always liked Hermione, personally, but...
TS: PEEVES! Peeves, that's who! The little guy who steals things and plays
practical jokes on everybody but can turn invisible any time he wants. Nearly
Headless Nick! A parody of a ghost! Listen here, my little Zafara, it's Peeves
who will take over the whole of...
pa812: Yes, yes, I quite see that. The intention of all ghosts is to take
over Neopia, isn't it?
TS (smiling modestly): Well, we do have our hopes.
pa812 (flatteringly): Yes, I'm sure you do. My, what a stunning disguise you
have on. May I ask--because you're the chief thief, aren't you?
TS: Well, yes, although I never know how to spell those two disagreeable words.
Is it I before e or e before I?
pa812: Leaving spelling aside, please. YOU'RE the one that knows everything,
right? So you could tell me--just now--your secrets. You could tell me how you
find people's items, how many of you there are, what you look like--because
I can't see you now--and most important of all, WHY you're so mean!
TS: Oh, I could. I could. Tell you all of that.
pa812: Good...
TS: But I won't.
pa812: Oh.
TS: You see, the honour code among thieves prevents it. Or was that thieves?
But there's one thing I can tell you, my little Zafara...
pa812 (eagerly): Yes?
TS: Our aim is to take over the world.
pa812 (irritated): Yes, I gathered that. But why don't you do something nice
for a change? Then people would really recognise you as leaders and give you
the helm of Neopia, in place of that useless Shadow Government of ours.
TS: Something nice? (laughs horribly again) Listen my little Zafara, thieves
have been around far before Fagin's apprentices in Oliver Twist. Did you write
down that nice little literary reference? Us ghosts have good intentions. We're
really very lovable creatures, once you get to know us. Are you listening, little
Newbies out there? When we steal something--a pepperolive pizza, a jar of pickled
olives--we're doing it for your own good, really we are!
pa812: But WHY?
TS: You really want to know? (pythonaddict812 glares) Okay, okay--you do really
want to know. Well, I'll tell you why. Wandering Ghosts rubbish. We're all really
a political maneuver by the Shadow Government. You should know that, pythonaddict812,
you're a reporter from that nosy Neopian newspaper.
pa812: You know who I am!
TS (dropping the sweet tone): Of course I know who you are, my dear reporter.
And now you know who we are. A thinly veiled excuse for the Shadow Government's
"Crack Down on Crime" proposal. All that Peeves rubbish. Ha!
pa812: But why are you telling me all this?
TS: Because I don't think you'll be telling anyone else, my little reporter.
Guards!
pa812: (Utters a horrendously vile scream which we just couldn't replicate
on paper)
TS: Wonderful. Thank you, guards. Oh, what's this? A little tape recorder?
I think I'll grab it. Nice try, pythonaddict812.
The interview ends here. We discovered pythonaddict812's hidden transcript
under a stump in the Haunted Woods, and decided an article would be a fitting
tribute to her memory and a fitting exposition of these political poltergeists.
So next time you get filched by a wandering ghost, Pet Owners of Neopia, don't
just stand there.
Do something!!!!! | 
