KRAWK ISLAND - Aye, well I’m back, mates. Once again, I be Capn’ Dragon-Tooth
an’ I’m back with a sequel to my ever-so-popular article, “So You Wanna be a Pirate”.
Now I know I wrote that a long time ago, but yeh know I’ve been so busy raidin’
and plunderin’ that I’ve decided I miss bein’ able to get complimented instead
of being insulted all the time. And for some odd reason yeh get insulted fer doing
everything for bein’ a pirate, don’t steal that! Give me back my money! Why’d
you take my sandwich? Sheesh, learn to adjust! So like I said I be back an’ this
time I’m dedicatin’ this article to all the hard workin’ pirate out there. I’m
kiddin’! Like pirates are “hard working!” Instead, I dedicate this article to
all ye who want to and wonder what it’s like to be a Capn’. And let me tell ye
it’s a lot more different than bein’ just any shipmate, real different.
Alrighy, let’s get started with the basic qualifications fer bein’ a Capn’,
which are the same as bein’ any pirate but just well, you know, different:
-Be elected or appointed Capn’ (cause if you aren’ then you sure as heck won’t
-Have a big triangular hat with a feather or skull cross on it (kinda optional,
but ye tell me how many Captains ye’ve seen without a hat)
-Pirate petpet (ditto the hat)
-Real Big Voice (ye’ll be forcin’ out a lot if ye have a little squeaky voice)
Okay here we go with the rest, now you jus’ keep on readin’ and don’ mind
me bad grammar (if you couldn’t tell, I’ve been improvin’ me speech!).
1. Get to Know Yer Shipmates’ Names
Yeah I know it ain’t easy to learn all the names, but if you give it a go,
ye’ll get more respect. Besides yeh know Pirates don’ have hard names (Stog,
Bog, Log) heh, those were the names of some triplets who used to be on the ship!
And if ye don’ know the names right away (which ye probably won’t) don’ call
them by what they looked like. Seriously, like I used to bein’ called Fatso
(had a funny diet back then), Funny Puny Krawk, You-with-that-really-big-tooth.
Not tons of fun.
2. Know How to Read Maps
Yeah I should’ve listed this in the basic requirements, but well some Captains
rely on their shipmates or smarty-pants they kidnap, but I the end it really
helps to know how to read ‘em. You don’t want to be in the middle in the ocean
and ask, “Hey what’s that Red X mean again? We supposed to be goin’ there? (Cough)
Capn’ Brutter (Cough) Not hard to learn, but not easy, ye’ll get to read maps
3. Know How to Steer a Ship
Nuther big duh. But like I said some Capn’s let their crew do the work like
even steer the ship. Now if something goes terribly wrong, and ye’ve got to
steer the ship while the rest of the crew is occupied, well then ye better know
how to turn the stupid wheel or break yer arm purposely (well actually break
both arms, it’s not hard to steer a wheel with one hand), and come up with a
brilliant excuse. Learnin’ to steer the wheel is actually somethin’ most Neopets
learn before they become pirates, so ye should already know.
4. Don’t Act all High N’ Mighty Just Cause yer the Capn’
Now rest be assured, it is fun to become a Capn’ after all those times ye spend
scrubbin’ the poop deck, and washin’ the dishes, but don’ act all royal cause
you rank higher than everybody else. Remember what it was like to bein’ a newbie,
remember to treat all yer shipmates with kindness an’ respect. No I don’ mean
being all cutesy n’ stuff, but ye know give ‘em some more ale sometimes, slap
on the head in a jokin’ manner, give ‘em a day off work (like the ship can get
any dirtier!). If ye act all snooty nosed and bossy, then I ask you one thin’:
Can ye spell mutinee (I spelled that right, didn’ I?)?
5. Solve Problems Fairly
Now I know “fair” ain’t a vocabulary many pirate know, but ye’ll have to try
to keep justice on yer ship, unless ye want a war to break out within’ yer crew.
Now most problems that break out in the ship are usually over silly arguments
that can be solved easily, but ye gotta remember pirates take everythin’ personally.
But all ye gotta do is play with ‘em a little bit. Here is an episode that happened
with me a while back with two other crew mates who had a problem.
Me: Okay, so what’s it about?
Groner: Well we was in the loot room an’…
Libbo: …saw this fancy leather ball, so Groner an’ me decided to play with
it a little.
Groner: Yeah an’ then we stared kickin’ it around the deck, and Groner stared
hoggin’ the ball.
Libbo: Then Groner startin’ whinin’ like a baby, an’ I tell him to stop bein’
a baby. And he starts goin’ mad!
Groner: He insulted me!
Me: Okay, bring me the ball (Libbo brings the ball). Now this is a fine ball,
Groner: Watcha mean Capn’?
Me: It’s goin’ to be a pity throwin’ this ball over the ship.
Libbo: Why you do that!
Me: Well obviously you two can’t share it, now can ye?
Libbo: But wait a minute, that ball’s half mine, I found it too!
Me: Very well (I take out sword and chop the ball in two). Well there ye go
boys, ye each get half, I hope ye learn to get along with each other more easier.
See nothin’ to it, solve problems real simple in front of their eyes, and they’ll
6. Serve Fair Punishments
I know, that word fair again, but ye’ll have to teach those people a lesson.
If that scoundrel steals food, he can’t get away, if that Bruce is feeding private
information to the opposin’ pirates, he can jus’ get a slap on the wrist. Now
ye don’t always have to be hard on them shipmates, but ye have to get em to
learn the lesson the firs’ time. Now if it’s a small offence (stealin’ something
from the kitchen or yeh know somethin’ like that) then give em some small punishment
like doin’ extra scrubbin. Now if they do somethin’ real bad, then ye could
always make em walk the plan or you can read forms of punishments from my previous
article, or the book I might be publishin’ soon (Wink wink).
7. Plan Out Everythin’
Ye gotta be prepared for any raid or war against an opposing fleet. And now
that yer the Capn’, ye’ll be the first one who’s gonna have to answer any questions.
So do yer homework (I know, not fun doin’ homework, and I know ye ain’t at home)
and don’ make up some quick flimsy plan 5 minutes before an assault. (Cough)
Capn’ Brutter, are you readin’ this? (Cough).
8. Bury Treasure in a Hard to Find Place
Now don’ be lazy and just walk in the middle of the shoppin’ center on Krawk
Island and bury yer not-too-hard-earned doubloons. Be ‘creative’ (funny word
I learned from this funny book called the dictionary) an’ find some deserted
island or place where ye can easily bury treasure and come back to find it later
if ye need to. An’ keep yer map a secret too, ye jus’ don’t want to be handin’
out copies to everybody, showing yer location. Oh and it helps to bury yer treasure
in a place with a spooky name, or in a place where anybody would least suspect
it. No I don’ mean Faerieland! Why would ye wanna go somewhere near cutesy pixies!
Ugh, the color pink scares me.
Well that’s all folks. Hope ye’ll learn some more thin’s from this article,
and hopefully I can get that stupid leak in my ship fixed. So now I leave with
you with more cliché pirate sayings: