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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 18th day of Storing, Yr 19
The Neopian Times Week 147 > Articles > Addiction, Anger and the Wooden Mallet

Addiction, Anger and the Wooden Mallet

by jupitersaturn

GAMES ROOM - Okay, now let me start out by saying that "Whack-a-Staff Member" is truly the most ingenious game ever made. I applaud Neopets daily for giving us this beautiful game. I mean, not only does the game in itself serve so many purposes that are simply a vital part of everyday life… but on top of all that, you can actually earn REAL Neopoints 3 times a day for this wonderful game. What could possibly be better? Well I'll get to that part later.

First off, who wouldn't want to just go around with a wooden mallet randomly hitting people? Well that's just a given, we all do at some time or another. (Some of us way more than others, I would say.) But of course there are all of those pesky laws and the possibility of jail time involved. Or even an asylum, and you know you can't get on the Internet there either. The mere thought of this reminds me to keep my weapons at home.

And speaking of the Internet… I know I'm not the only one that sees "The Red Pteri of Death" (aka the Neopets is Down For Maintenance page) and thinks the world as we know it is over. Or possibly less dramatically, I simply run around screaming that someone broke the Internet

Well, consider all of your problems solved. Even though we all know the Neopets Staff is just sitting back eating doughnuts or playing with all the cool plushies we have to go out and pay for, they do at least have the decency to do one thing right. If you scroll down past "the Red Pteri of Death" you'll see that one of the games listed to play is.. yes you guessed it: Whack-a-Staff Member! How perfect!

*Bonk* *Bonk* *Ow* *Thud*

*Whew* Problems solved! I told you this game was great!

Okay, so the key to this game is hitting staff members. You actually get points taken away for hitting Neopets. Well at least they're animal lovers, right? I mean okay, I admit it. SOMEtimes I hit the occasional Mynci, but it just can't be helped. If only they didn't look so much like the El Pickelsaur guy! Sometimes I don't even realize what I've done until I hear no incoherent mumbling about Tigersquash. Or sometimes it happens because of the distraction the Taelia Poster causes. I want to hit her, but whoops! Another Mynci popped up! See what I mean here?

Another great thing. How many times, for instance, have you spent an eternity on that story, comic or *cough* article *cough* and it got denied? What?!? Well just open up the game and start hitting Snowflake! You know her head is only worth 8 points, but it surely brings a smile to my face every time I hear her say "Quit it!". There's no other way to keep track other than counting as you go, but sometimes I play just to see how many times I can hit her. On that note, my personal best is 34 in one game. You're welcome to share your victories with me if you wish.

Speaking of victories though… you know I love this game so much, it's one of the very few I'm considered a "Grand Master" at. I mean, I like games and all, but I'm generally the type that needs assistance loading a video game up for the little ones in the family. I think the only other game I've reached "Grand Master" status at is Hasee Bounce. Well, what can I say.. a girl likes her doughnuts!

So now you ask, "What could POSSIBLY be better?" I know I've listed some valuable pointers about the magnificence of this game, but I think I also know where the logical next step should be: “Whack-a-Faerie”! This is genius! Life as we know it would be complete and everyone would be HAPPY!

Just imagine the mere possibilities! How many times has Taelia asked you to sell a major organ on the black market just to pay for her quests? I mean, you come out with a slushie, a snowball, a few Neopoints and one less kidney! How many points should HER head be worth?

The Fountain Faerie... will she EVER visit? Doubtful, I think I'll go knock her around some. I'll get some other uber faeries while I'm at it. You know... once they finally decide to grant you a quest, they never reward your battle pet with stats. That would just be way too easy, so then you must continue buying up Dubloons and Codestones. Hmph.. knock em out!!

Illusen... oh dear, do we EVEN want to GO there? Why not? I mean you spend weeks doing her quests, spending a couple hundred thousand Neopoints in the process. Then you finally get to level 35 and she has the outright NERVE to ask for something costing a mere mil or so. Sure it worked fine for awhile just feeding my pets "Earth Faerie Brownies", but I'd really rather just hit her than feed her to my pets.

Then of course, there's Jhudora. Despite the serious debates, she and Illusen have a lot of the same qualities. Weeks worth of quests, spend a couple of hundred thousand... She seems to like Scorchstones, based on my previous experiences. She never likes cheap ones. Yes, she must be hit.

This is therapy. We NEED it! Imagine other possibilities too. It wouldn't even HAVE to be a Wooden Mallet. We could use... an Ice Conker, a Snowball Club, Attack Fork, Demonic Bow... the list is practically endless. Now me personally, I would prefer to see some blood. If the Mortogs can explode, I say the faeries can too. But, I understand that this is a family site. So I guess this is something I could live without. Then of course there's the possible sound effects. I can't say I'd be too picky about these. I think about anything would make me smile with pleasure.

So there we go. Our own little Neopian "anger management". I highly recommend these courses. And I hope while the staff are eating their doughnuts, they discuss some more violent.. I mean... "therapeutic" games for us addicts.


  Thank you for reading and uhm, Snowflake? If I get published I promise to avoid your head at all costs. Unless of course the Taelia Poster gets in my way again in which case, you just simply can't hold that against me. If I'm not published though... 34 will be a distant record!

Written with the best of intentions, love and addictions by jupitersaturn.

(The original ideas for this article were thought up by myself, jupitersaturn. They should be taken very light-heartedly, I wouldn't consider 99% of this to be an exact fact. I'm merely pointing out certain things I personally find to be amusing.

However, I'd like to thank dameagatha for helping me in the editing process. Even though some of her tips I ignored, due to my own "hard head" shall we say. Any errors found within this article should be solely blamed upon me. Just imagine how bad it was BEFORE I asked for a little help.)


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